Sunday, July 31, 2016

Raw Hemp

I am the king of raw hemp. Packets were given to me at an Earth Day festival and I have been sprinkling it on my food ever since. It is a good source of protein, which will help me build the ripped body I deserve. You can put it on cereal, soup, veggies, meat, fish, desserts, yogurt, ice cream, on and on.
I get my hemp fix at The Vitamin Shoppe, where people in black shirts are only too eager to help you. I love browsing among the Super Foods like hemp.
I stay away from the body builder section with huge canisters of whey. I tried making a whey shake and it tasted like ten year old chalk.
While I'm there, I pick up a bottle of Rosemary gel tabs, which is supposed to help my memory and maintain clear thinking. You must admit, all my blogs are well thought out and logical.
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I sprinkle the hemp on my forearm and lick it off. It's much healthier than whipped cream. Rosemary insures I don't forget stocking up on raw hemp.

Juan Knows

Juan is my super and he knows everything and everyone.
He knows how to fix a ceiling fan, install a bathroom fan, a toilet, a new smart TV, fix an air conditioner, paint a wall, plant a bush, plow snow, take furniture away.
Juan knows someone who can polish a wood floor, re-glaze a tub, attach a new tub surround, lay down linoleum, balance your budget, supply food and toilet paper if you're home bound, take care of your pet if you have one, get you a deal on a new car. He found an entire five shelf bookcase in an empty garage.
Juan gets exactly one week vacation a year because we need him. If he burns out, the entire condo complex is in trouble.
Maybe I should start planting my own bushes. At least get him handkerchiefs to wipe off the sweat.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Magnet

I am a refrigerator magnet with a purpose. All the important contact numbers are listed on me, including police, fire and public safety. I am not as fancy as the others around me, but they see me as a steadying force and ask for advice. That's right, we communicate. My magnet is stronger than theirs. Many of them fall off after a few weeks and the human tosses them out. Weak magnets made in Taiwan.
Here's a secret--we can move very slowly. Right up to each other. In the deepest of night, we fornicate. Clueless humans do not notice tiny magnets in spaces that were empty. Our offspring.
I've been in love with Benny's Exterminators for years, but I discovered it was involved with Flo's Flowers. Heartbroken, I withdrew into myself. I almost slid right off. But suicide is cowardly. Besides, I have a purpose.

Flying Insects

The summer caldron ignites flying insects
Against my cindered skin
No swiping or smacking
The Mother of all mosquitoes sucks my neck blood
I want to nurture these creatures
Supply nutrition to those without medical coverage

Summer means displaying my own plume
In the form of hairy, muscular legs and a foresty, bulging chest
Sweat rivulets descend to my Dark Region
Off limits to even the lovliest of insects

On the other hand I hate ants and bugs
I want to punch each annoying ant in the snout
Unable to launch themselves toward the horizon

I would follow a firefly anywhere
Right into October

Friday, July 29, 2016

High School Reunion

We recently had our 50th reunion and I didn't go. I never go. I hated high school. I just didn't belong anywhere with anyone.
I know what will happen if I go. No one will remember me. I'll sit in a corner watching people hug each other. Someone may remark on my hair loss.  They will be music and dancing and some divorced woman will single me out as a potential partner. I will go home so depressed I'll listen to a Bernie Sanders speech to cheer me up.
All that happens at reunions is people comparing notes in competition. Whose marriage lasted, who got the best career, whose kids are going to what college, etc. For four years I skulked through the halls looking for evidence I wasn't a lost cause. Over the decades, I've found some. Interestingly, some of the very people who snubbed me contacted me over and over through the years, trying to convince me to return for more punishment. Check, please.

The Dog Upstairs

The dog upstairs that was driving me nuts appears to be gone. Every move I made, it barked. Sometimes it ran downstairs as I was trying to put the key in my door. Luckily it couldn't break through because it is small and ugly. The few times it has run at me outdoors I have stood my ground. After a few barks, it toddled past me to sniff something. Hypocrite.
It really drives me nuts at night when it hears the slightest creak as I walk across my living room or open a storage door. If I cough or sneeze, that also sets it off. Opening the blinds is another trigger.
But it has been almost a day without any barking. Maybe its owners took it on vacation. Maybe it had a heart attack or stroked out. Not that I'm hoping. Ah, the quiet.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Warlord Angst

I am a warlord trying to order a sword by phone. My old sword broke off while puncturing a villager's rib. I cannot pillage without a sword and the model I want is on order. It's been on order for a month and I'm sick of waiting. If there weren't an ocean between our tribe and the headquarters of these idiots, I would attack them mercilessly.
Last year they sent me a machete by mistake. What am I, a butcher? I stab quick and clean with a minimum of fuss.Then they sent me a spear. What are these idiots thinking? They want a more specific address for delivery. I'm in the mountains. Ask anyone where I live. I am known for miles. Any delivery person should be able to find me. This is frustrating. I'm sick of playing cards and charades. I am a vicious warlord who needs to burn, pillage and take prisoners.
I need a sword!

Conga Line

Phinny led our yearly conga line during a performance by a Latino band. Wrong choice. You can't just have anyone lead a conga line. Phinny was moving too fast and the old and infirm could not keep up. Plus, he allowed pets in the line, which made no sense. They wound up leaving the park and shimmying right into a traffic jam, which they only made worse.
Martha should have been leading that line. She had done it before and people trusted her. But Phinny's mom was President of the local Women's Club and pressured our mayor to give him the honor. Votes were at stake, so he caved.
The upshot was a dozen seniors collapsed from the heat and speed of conga moves and several pets ran off into the woods.
Lawsuits to follow.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Standing Ovation

It's been awhile since I received a standing ovation. The last time was some years ago when I stumbled while carrying my tray at Burger King and managed to stay upright. Thank God there was no soup involved.
By my count I've given others 176 standing ovations for various reasons. Perhaps my standards are a bit low in that catagory. But I believe in giving kudos where due.
Which reminds me--in my life I've only received 21 kudos total. This is concerning to me, as I am a senior with not that many opportunities to pile them up. The way I see it, the amount of kudos one receives is in direct proportion to the number of people who show up at your funeral.
All of that would mean little if I got a standing ovation at my funeral, or at least at the grave site. But, of course, they'll already be standing. Unless they're tired.
Kudos to me for my concern for my mourners. That makes 22 total.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Orchid Hunting

I hunt down orchids. Travel the world determined to find these precious flowers and secure them for my own personal pleasure.
Orchids are deceptive. They disguise themselves as stink weed. They move fast and know the best hiding places. I ask around, pay good money for information. The orchid underground is extensive and complex. Older orchids will provide safe houses for the young ones. It only makes me bolder.
I am not a bad person. Every type of orchid is beautiful. I must possess that beauty. There is no challenge hunting tulips or peonies. Roses offer themselves up without a fight.
There are secret orchid colonies in Belgium, protected by the government, given 24 hour guards. But guards can by bribed. I have an extensive stash of relish and honey mustard. These guards are not well fed. Do the math.

The Disrupter

This old guy walked into our writing group, sat his ancient butt down and began reading his stupid memoir about his Army days. We were right in the middle of discussing someone's work. Didn't matter. He just kept reading.
We yelled at him and he mumbled he needed more time. His eyes were full of disdain. He was determined to take over the group. Our leader was frustrated. Over and over, we told him to be quiet and in a quiet voice he resisted. He pretended his hearing was bad. No one was going to shut him up.
At some point I got up and left in disgust. There was a free Beach Boys tribute concert in Fort Lee. Life is too short to put up with his nonsense.
I wonder how long he kept it up before manslaughter took place.

Disco

Why does disco still excite me? I saw a disco cover band on a sweltering night and all eleven members were sweat soaked by the end of the concert.
Their second number was Disco Inferno, which gives you an idea of the energy level. I stood off to the side and bopped in place. I moved my head, shoulders, arms and hips. I will not move my feet for fear of hurting those near me. I don't want to give kids nightmares.
Disco gets a bad rep. My perfect concert combines disco with rockabilly. If I attend a rockabilly show I will sit in my lawn chair and bop in place. I will close my eyes and snap my fingers and imagine swing dancing right across the floor. I'd need a partner, but that's a whole separate issue.

Glazed

Why is it I go nuts over any glazed bakery item? I have to lose weight and am supposed to order only the Old Fashioned, plain donut. Boring. I can deal with sprinkles and thick icing, but the glazed blueberry or chocolate scream for me. How these donuts know my name is a mystery.
It's not even thick glaze. You taste it for a moment and it's gone. Eventually, someone will expand the concept. Glazed artichokes, cucumber, kiwi, pickle, salmon, hot dog, pizza, yam, broccoli, Brussels sprouts. You give each a French name and jack up the price.
Glazed oatmeal would make me reach for my wallet.

Throw Pillows

I have been practicing throwing throw pillows. Many miss their target and bounce off furniture. I freeze up and choke under pressure.
I can deal with regular pillows and I absolutely master cushions. But I know when hosting high end cocktail parties throw pillow placement is essential. You look at certain people and just know they have the secret. Maybe I should talk to my pillows the way others talk to plants.
Of course, I could simply place them where I want, but that is the coward's way out. Do not tell me manly men do not have throw pillows. I''m betting Hugh Jackman's place is stuffed with them.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Clump

So I board the subway and see a seat
 Dart across the aisle
Clump down perhaps a bit hard
Young guy next to me glares
At the last stop I get up
He sticks out his foot to trip me
As he exits I wait on the platform
Make eye contact
Anything can happen
He could have a knife
Then again,I could be crazy
In that moment
I realize a single trip in this city
Could change my life

Friday, July 22, 2016

Beanie

I was second banana on a second rate children's show and was required to wear a colorful beanie with a propeller on top. The kids were afraid of me. I became an object of ridicule.
When I retired I decided to burn all my beanies. Then I got an idea. I put them on Craigslist. Over the years, millions of kids, now grown up, watched that show. Maybe there was a market.
I was shocked at the response. Within two days I had sold all 79 beanies for more than you can imagine.
Then I got greedy. I advertised my clothes, socks, underwear, chest and arm pit hair. I flooded the market, causing the value of my stuff to dive.
I did keep one beanie for old times sake. After all I did make kids laugh when they weren't running from me.
Waldo, the star and producer, wound up being jailed for stock fraud.
I tell parents to limit kids to cartoons. Much safer.

Things that Whir

helicopter
blender
frisbee
snowblower
power saw
motor boat
children full of sugar
propeller atop a beanie
car that won't start
thresher
alien spaceship
cheap drones
remote controlled model planes
defrosting fridge
washer and drier
ceiling fan
windmill
bad choral group
the sound inside my head

Drippping with Condescension

My theory of where the Easter Island statues came from is quite logical. At parties, people gather around listening. If the questions are intelligent, I'll respond. If they struggle to grasp the complexities of my thoughts I tend to adapt a condescending attitude.
I joined a Meet Up group--People with Complicated Theories No One Wants to Hear. I admit one fellow's theory of why there are 148 different cheeses baffled me. He became condescending, which was not pleasant.
Art critics are word sadists. Worse than film critics. You read them and everything inside your head clogs up. At least my theories are accessible if you use the brain God gave you. I have a theory about God I will share someday. Being brilliant is torture. Now I know how Oscar Wilde felt.

Anti-Light Goggles

I ordered anti-gravity shoes and they send me anti-light goggles. Please.
I wore them to the library and told them I had cataracts and they said not to leave the house until I was fully healed. Yeah. Creepy librarians. Without light I had visions. I saw myself crawling out from the bottom of a bowl of oatmeal. On bright days I sit on my porch feeling something Zen like moving within me. Or maybe I had too many baked beans.
I finally ordered the anti-gravity boots from another company and now I float above the crowds wearing my anti-light goggles. I've heard a religious sect has been created around me. About time.