Sunday, February 7, 2016

Mournful Cry in the Night

When Cameron discovered his broker was cheating him, he devised a plan of punishment. He waited for the thief one night as he pulled into his driveway. Cameron pounced with a chloroform drenched rag over the man's face.
Alan, the broker, found himself tied to a tree in the woods. Cameron opened a back pack full of books. Now you will learn the meaning of suffering, he promised.
He began reading as Alan's mournful cries filled the night.
He read from Twilight People--Switchblade Stories 1 by Joe Del priore
He had not even completed that tome before Alan passed out from the pain. The woods were quiet. Cameron would wait until the bastard regained consciousness and then proceed on to Volume 2. He hoped he didn't kill any innocent animals in the process.

Loose and Light

My poultry are getting too fat. Maybe I keep them penned in too much without exercising. I called in Boris, known for his farm animal exercise programs. He lined up all my chickens and turkeys and ordered push ups and sit ups. We need to do some serious core work, he barked.
Ernie, my rooster, sat it out with a groin pull. Probably fooling around in the hen house. I believe Boris when he claims inside a month they'll be lean and mean.
My wife objects. She feeds the pigs and goats and doesn't understand different species need a different approach.
I had a beer right in front of my exhausted poultry. I do have a sadistic streak.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Adventurer

Eddie was restless. The tribe had established itself in this region for eons. He wanted to see what else was out there. Others felt uncomfortable with change. He was ordered to stop complaining and accept the status quo.
In the middle of the night Eddie sneaked away with minimal supplies. He wanted adventure and discovery. He walked and walked through dense undergrowth and barren areas. Moist, smelly land, followed by dry flaky outcrops. Everything was new. He had gone completely across this egg shaped terrain by day's end.
He needed to rest one night before trekking back to the tribe.
The next morning he awoke to a shock. A loud whirring sound. Suddenly the dense underbrush vanished and he was exposed to the sun and elements. Nothing but barren land as far as he could see.
What has happened? What has become of my tribe? Am I all alone in the world?
The shock left him paralyzed.

 Joe stood by the elevator as Steve approached. Nice haircut, Steve commented. I did it myself, Joe said. I like it short like this. I used  professional barber kit. See, I was getting this itching across my scalp and now it is gone.
What a relief.

Twelve Siblings

There were 12 of us living in a three bedroom apartment. Our parents simply gave up and left. We were behind on the rent and running out of food. None of the oldest of us could find a job.
We held a meeting. Solutions were difficult. Mostly, we needed food.
The 15 year old twins mentioned a caring, compassionate teacher. Mr. Halliday.
I wondered if they could convince him to come visit us for dinner.
But we do not have enough food for ourselves, they protested. I paused. Does this teacher have anyone who would miss him? I asked. They shrugged. Describe him.
Well, he's kind of stocky, in his early thirties.
Meat on his bones, I asked. They nodded.
The twins somehow convinced him to come for dinner.
Truthfully, I'm not even sure the oven still works. I suppose I should test it. But first I need to get hold of some chloroform.

Water and Dirt

George prided himself on seeing things others missed. His home was surrounded by water. Dirt lined the shore. When it rained he analyzed the drops and realized they were of the same composition as the surrounding water.
Something mysterious happened to the dirt when it rained. The same thing that happened to the dirt on shore. He stayed up all night examining the change in composition. He did the calculations. He created an equation. It worked! Now everything made sense.
He ran through the village shouting he had unraveled the mystery.
I have discovered mud! he cried.
The others shrugged and went on with their day. George's wife made him a tuna salad sandwich. That always calmed him. Now he needed to find a use for mud and they would be rich.
This was years before someone discovered exfoliation.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Sneaking Out

Ralph defied his parents' orders and kept sneaking out to play chess. It was an addiction. His grades suffered. He was hanging out with a rough crowd--east Europeans and Russian kids his age. They cursed and spit and drank Red Bull out of the bottle.
His folks showed him slides depicting the evils of chess, how it leads to bad hygiene,sloppy fashion and non verbal communication.
They got him involved in a healthy activity--a youth bowling league. Ralph had never been inside a bowling alley. As soon as he entered the place, fear gripped him. Loud crashing noises, shouting, smells, strange shoes. His whole body shook. His team consisted of four other addicted chess fiends. None had a clue what to do. He could barely lift the ball. His shoes were too big. He had a two step approach and tossed it with both hands. He bowled a 36. Snickers from other teams. This was living hell
A month later, he and 12 others hid in Marvin's basement in the middle of the night, chess boards spread out on a large folding table.
They twitched in anticipation. Addiction had won another round. Are there rounds in chess?

Weather Advisory

Al knew how to prepare for a winter storm. He organized his four kids into snow shoveling quadrants and trained his Basset Hound to howl at the first sign of a flake. His wife had to check the entire car for defects.
Leo, his neighbor, offered his NASA designed snow blower, but Al declined. He wanted his kids to be self sufficient.
He subscribed to Netflicks. Last storm they had tried charades and his kids thought he and his wife's interpretation of Jay Z and Beyonce was a rendition of Zombie Nation.
The sky darkened, wind increased, small pets flew past, old women in black held crucifixes, the mayor warned everyone to stay home.
Only the town checkers center was open. 42 hardy checker players were hold up inside playing one game after another. Courage comes in many forms. Three days later, when they were dug out from two feet of snow, it was discovered cannibalism and board games are not mutually exclusive.
Al lay flowers on the site. His dog pissed nearby. Now that was mutually exclusive.