Monday, December 5, 2016

Satan Says

My hooves are killing me. My back is on fire. No pun intended. Carrying around human souls is heavy lifting. Especially poets, whose souls weigh a good 50 pounds. Some barter with me. Fame and fortune in exchange for their soul.
Prose writers just shrug and say take what you need. After my last novel I'm going to hell anyway. Dancers plead, artists threaten me, photogs want a selfie. Politicians are all about the deal. Lawyers ask what took you so long?
Ah, there's a poet over by that podium getting ready to expound. Hey, Billie! Billie Collins! Over here. Yeah, it's your time. Oh alright, I'll let you do one more reading. I'll grab a cup of java. Just don't go running off. My hooves hurt as it is and I just may vaporize you out of spite.
A deal is a deal.
Incidentally, Castro's soul is stinking up the place.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Cork

I got a 60% off coupon from Michaels and circled the store three times trying to choose something to buy. I had enough canvas, brushes and paints. I tried creating from air dried clay, but everything turned out looking like a brown lump. I don't do crafts. I could have bought a pen and ink set and fooled with cligraphy, but my hand is no longer so steady.
So I finally bought a set of four rectangular cork tiles, which one can use to pin important reminders to. Except my life is so uneventful I have nothing to pin. I thought of going door to door in my condos and askif I could pin their reminders onto my cork. That sounds vaguely salcious and the last thing I need is the condo board meeting to decide what to do with me.
So I sit here smelling my cork tile. Someone should create a cork aftershave fragrance. Just saying.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Moose Antlers

Gerry was impressed by Cameron's moose head on his wall. Gerry had no masculine hobbies like hunting. He did like to try on hats, but that didn't qualify. He felt he was losing his friend's respect.
At Thanksgiving Gerry's Aunt Loretta visited from Philadelphia and together they celebrated the holiday. A week before, Cameron returned from Africa with an antelope head, which was mounted next to the moose.  Gerry was consumed with jealousy.
On Thanksgiving, Aunt Loretta began choking on the stuffing. Frantic, Gerry tried the Heimlich Maneuver, but his back gave out. His aunt continued choking.
A week later, Cameron came over with tickets to a Knicks game. Gerry led him to the living room and pointed to the wall above the fire place. Cameron's eyes popped. "Where'd you bag that one? he asked.
Gerry smiled. "In the wilds of Pennsylvania. Had to track her for days."
"We need to go on a hunting trip together," his friend said.
That was all Gerry wanted to hear.

Lost on My Desktop

Joe was a frustrated writer, unable to sell anything. As a last resort he began writing porn and surprisingly was very good at it. Publishers demanded more. But when he checked his computer, all his documents were gone, replaced by a cackling clown.
He knew he had been hacked by arch enemy John. He demanded his porn back. John said he was holding it hostage in exchange for Joe's satire. Joe refused. John threatened to release the contents and claim it as his own. Joe gave in and sent him 3000 words of satire.
John fulfilled his end, but not before declaring Joe's porn as derivative. Joe fumed, pointing out one piece contained hermaphrodites, bondage and various condiments like relish.
Six months later, John's novella, containing all of Joe's satire, was a #1 bestseller. The Cousins Karamazov.
Joe sobbed for weeks.

Stranger Trust

What to Trust a Stranger With

The location of my safe room
The contents of my belly bag
What's under my armpits
How I take my coffee
Unripe avocadoes
Where my grave plot is located
tic tacs
My personal fragrance
My innocence
My belief in chaos theory

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Defective Parrot

When you purchase a parrot you expect it to imitate you in a respectful manner. My new parrot is not meeting standards. It is defective. It just sits in the corner of the cage, ignoring its perch, humming show tunes. Oklahoma, Brigadoon, The King and I.
Sometimes it dozes off and snores up a storm. I do have a Jersey accent. I read some of my published work to it and receive indifference for a response. Instead, it imitates Alan Rickman's character from the Harry Potter films just to spite me.
It only eats sushi and Spam and only drinks Red Bull. The other day it squawked "I'm Lonely." A decision. Do I return to the same store and risk getting another faulty parrot? Do I ignore its pain?
Damn. I should have stuck with my old pet, a lizard named Boris. Except I found myself imitating him and sticking out my tongue inappropriately, like at the opera.

New Tub

I just had a new tub and surround installed and it looks great. Except the chrome shower rod keeps sliding off when I attach the curtain and liner.
I squeezed and squeezed and twisted that thing to no avail. Finally I replaced it with my old brown rod, which stayed up, but doesn't match my chrome fixtures and grab bar. Yes, I need a grab bar so I don't fall. Women might think real men don't use a grab bar. Men think if he had my equipment he wouldn't need a grab bar.
I had to wait 24 hours before showering after they installed the pieces. I didn't go to the gym, so I don't smell too bad. Although that's something for another to judge. The rod better stay up tomorrow or I'm not making any more payments. But I love that grab bar.