Saturday, August 27, 2016

Blog Blockers

This is my 1200 post on this blog, so I thought listing the ten toughest things about writing a blog was apropos.
1.Blogging after a big meal full of carbs
2.Blogging while the stupid dog upstairs is barking for his life.
3. Blogging about something embarrassing like being unable to spell apropos.
4. Falling back on a lame list when you're lacking ideas.
5.Blogging about a subject you know nothing about, like blogging itself.
6. Trying to come up with funny material women will like.
7. Convincing people your blog is only the tip of your talent.
8. Limiting yourself to a word count because a little of you goes a long way.
9. Understanding they will not make a movie based on your blog.
10.Not allowing comments, which can destroy your confidence and cause stomach acid.

Worm Hole

I was in a pet shop looking for a snarky parrot that would insult my guests. I got to the lizard section, felt dizzy and passed out. I woke up in the same spot, but it was a different store. This was a Poet Shop. Poets for sale. I hasd passed through a worm hole. I hate  when that happens.
Poets were encased in glass cubicles with names underneath. Beth--Charming and friendly. Sarah-contemplative. Clary-Emotional. Shafik--mysterious. Joe-Naked and challenging. I surmised Joe could be snarky and was so close to buying him when I fell unconscious again. I woke up back in the pet shop surrounded by noise and smells.
The proprietor said I was out of his sight and was clueless about a worm hole in his store. I plan on revisiting this place. Next time I'll bring more money.

Friday, August 26, 2016

No Credit Cards Accepted

I had a terrific lunch with a woman friend at a place she recommended, a 75 year old establishment with old time decor and bins of candy and a whole list of ice cream flavors.
We had an excellent conversation covering many topics. I pride myself on being a good listener. We are well versed in local and national politics. She was even a Mets fan, so we could talk baseball. A fine lunch.
The bill came, I took out my credit card and asked the waitress if I give it to her or bring it up front. She replied up front, and, oh, by the way, we don't take credit or debit cards.
Now it's one thing to go with charming old time decor and offer free ice cream with every meal, but this is 2016. People pay with their phone apps for God sake.  I had two bucks on me.
There was no sign in the window indicating no credit cards. My partner knew that and didn't give me a heads up. I would have gone to an ATM machine.
After she paid I promised next time we meet it's on me. She was very gracious--being 83 does that. But these  people have to wake up and get with the times. Suppose it had been a whole family?

Writers Retreat

What goes on at these things? I know people who've done them and seem to have a good experience, but how much actual writing gets done? Three day retreats mean you will see others in the morning before they shower in their footie pajamas.
I just can't envision myself writing for more than two hours a day. Then I will need to leave and do a power walk or explore the area. I suppose there is much small talk during these things. That is not my strength. If someone begins telling jokes and it comes to my turn, I don't know many jokes or funny stories. I'm basically a serious guy who snores a bit and that may present a separate problem
What if all age groups are at this retreat? Will the younger ones actually speak to the fossils? Will the fossils launch into long diatribes against post modernists? Will there be ping pong and darts? Who chooses the food? What if there's a power outage in winter and writers have to huddle for warmth?
Writers do not huddle well.
No, I think I'll pass on the retreat schedule, stay holed up in my room and create my masterpiece. In my footie pajamas.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Five Bucks

I found a folded up five dollar bill on the ground while power walking. If I had been jogging as in years past I would have sped right past it. Some part of me, I'm embarrassed to admit, wished it were a twenty. There's always a moment after you scoop it up when you want to look around to see if anyone is in the area and might have dropped it. A few weeks before at the Post Office I noticed an elderly woman drop money in the lobby as she was filling out a form. I immediately brought it to her attention.
I'd like to think if I see it get dropped I'll do the right thing.
I used the $5 to pay for a load of laundry. If I were lacking in ethics I would have bought drugs or booze.
Why don't people just use a wallet? Maybe it was a jogger who needed it to buy cold water and now became dehydrated and faint. Now I feel guilty.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Pinpoint Guidance

Dex prided himself on being able to guide vehicles into spaces and around tight quarters without mishap. He had been a certified Guider for over a decade without a single issue of one vehicle touching another. Sometimes in heavy traffic areas, he was called out of bed by police to help direct traffic.
He would be walking along and spot a new or nervous driver trying to fit into a tight space. Without hesitation, Dex took control, using deft hand and arm gestures and calling out instructions in a firm, but calm voice. He always made certain to compliment the driver afterwards, building their confidence.
Dex had a purpose when he awoke every day.
But then came that horrible week in which it seemed he'd lost his touch. Three slight fender touches on backing into a spot, all on his watch. Cameras caught it all and now he was being called before the Council of Pinpoint Guidance to discuss his actions. There was a chance he would lose certification and be banned from guiding vehicles, essentially demoted to helping kids adjust their hand brakes.
Maybe he should have his eyes checked. Guider's were allowed glasses. Or, horrors, maybe he was succumbing to pressure. He couldn't bluff them--it was all on camera.
The hardest truth was there were only seconds to decide whether a driver could continue backing and cutting the wheel, or pulling up and angling it again. The young kids just certified didn't hesitate. That was Dex a decade ago. Now he was the nervous one.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Air Spray

I had a coupon for $1.50 off of $5.00 worth of air spray at CVS. When I got there I saw all air sprays were marked down from $2.19 to 99 cents. So I got six cans for $5.94 minus the discount coupon, which came to $4.54! I was overjoyed driving home. That works out to about 75 cents a can.
But when I got home and tried to find space for them, there was none available. I would have to use toilet paper at an incredible rate. You can only eat so much eggs and beans.
I sprayed all my rooms and myself without making a dent in my stash. It could take months to use up all this air spray unless something dies in my refrigerator motor.
Can I come over and spray your rooms? Your dog? You? Just asking.