Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Book Festival Blues

I was recently involved in an outdoor book festival where I got a table to sell my books. The weather was perfect and people were friendly. I got to meet several other authors, all with interesting stories.
No one actually bought any of my books, which I expected. I've been involved in these before. People are on tight budgets. I did get compliments on my covers.
I was there from 1030 to 3pm. I was supposed to stay until four, but sitting there all that time is a chore. The library sponsoring it did buy 11 of my books and gave me a bottle of water. I tried to sneak past the organizers, hoping I wasn't seen leaving early. They may not invite me back next year.
People still read print books. That is the takeaway. They just don't buy them at festivals. I got to read a couple of stories in the gazebo. My throat tightened as usual and I cleared my throat right into the mike. Since I was the first reader, I'm guessing I left 3 billion germs on that mike.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Night Crossing

If I could spit or dodge or detour, I would
I am 215 years old and my sight is going
Across the road are friends and food
This treacherous journey across 50 feet has cost me family
I pray traffic will be light
If I make it across, maybe I'll just stay there
I think I hear an 18 wheeeler
Damn humans
I wish my shell was neon

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Cii Bikes

Ron and Ramona sipped their wine on this, their first date. There was chemistry, no question. The lights were low, soft music played. His hand touched hers and they smiled.
Their trance was broken.
Ron, how goes it? God, it's been months. Who is this ravishing young lady?
Uh, Joe, we're having a private moment.
Look at that skin tone. You from the West Indies?
No, I'm from Baltimore.
Listen, let me ask you something. Ever ride those Citi bikes?
Joe, we're in the middle of something.
Yeah, speaking of which, my ass is killing me because of that bike.
Joe, can you please leave?
You got any experience as a nurse, miss?
Lovely name. I ask because that damn bike irritated my hemorrhoids. That cream they give you smells like cottage cheese.
Actually I'm a hedge fund manager.
Oh, one of those. Well, we all have to live together. Mind if I scratch?
Joe, do I have to escort you away?
Boy, Ron. I thought we were friends.
Go. Now.
Okay, fine. But don't blame me if you run out of conversation.

Bathroom Tips

Before you let anyone enter your bathroom make sure all thse soap slivers piling up are trashed. Forget fancy patterns. Go with no frills white, admired by everyone. Chrome shower rod, and fixtures and drain top off your signature look. Include a grab bar and shelf for people with balance issues.
Do not display ambiguous shampoo. Head and Shoulders screams manly man. Prell, not so much.
Sometimes you'll get a grouchy workman do not engage. This is a tough job, renovating bathrooms. He could be going through a divorce. Or have hemorrhoids. Once it's finished you can have small cocktail parties right in your bathroom.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Salvation Army Anxiety

I drop off lots of stuff at the SA for tax deductions. Most of it is in good shape. I can park right in front. The volunteers are always helpful. It feels good giving to give to those less fortunate.
However, I have anxiety going there. The guy behind the desk knows me by now. I always ask for a receipt and he obliges. We don't make small talk.
But what if he begins to question how one guy could donate so much stuff? What if he looks me up on the Internet, digging for dirt. Maybe something about me makes him uncomfortable. Maybe he thinks I'm fencing stolen goods.
I know what I'll do. I'll make small talk like a normal person and smile. I never smile anymore since Perry Como died.
That's a separate issue.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Soap Pads

Is there anything more wondrous than soap pads? These tiny rough blobs after moistening spurt out gobs of soap, enough to clean microwaves and counter tops and silverware and toasters and small pets if they stay still.
Some complain they are too abrasive, but so is Beyonce and where would we be without her? Of course they can be hard to find. I suppose you can get them on the Black Market or through Canadian websites.
Sometimes when I'm sleepy I carry one in my pocket and grasp it. Its fibers dig into my palm and I'm good to go.
I like their soap smell better than Irish Spring. It shakes me up when I have to toss one out after it has done its job. It's like losing a friend. Although I'm so preoccupied with wetting my pads and scrubbing away I don't have many friends.
Keep your antiseptic boring sprays. I'll stick with Wally. Yes, I name my soap pads.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Broken Tooth

I bit into a cheese cracker and broke my tooth. This was unsettling. Am I supposed to quit chewing on that side? Avoid hard foods like Ike & Mike candy?
My dentist is a chubby fellow concerned about whitening my teeth with strips that cost $69. I drink coffee, but do not smoke. I was told some are just born with yellow teeth. If my teeth were whiter I'd have more friends and get invited to more parties.
I had just gotten my teeth cleaned by a tiny, attractive woman with a great smile. I shook her hand afterwards, sad that I wouldn't see her for another six months. Now that has changed. I must return to have this tooth treated. Maybe she will assist.
One good piece of news is Barnes & Noble sent me a $25 gift card. I wish they sold cheese crackers.