Friday, July 3, 2015

Take My Seat

Another person offered me their seat on the bus. This is getting embarrassing. Do I look that bad? I am awkward carrying bags on and off buses.I can still shower, shave and dress myself. I can operate a microwave. My posture can use some work, but i trim my nose, ear hair and scraggly eyebrows.
I switched my watch to my right wrist where it looks more impressive. My proctologist said my prostate felt like an apricot, which I guess is good.
I can still pee straight most of the time. I do take 8% more time than a decade ago. Yes, I have a NJ Transit senior citizen discount card, but if people could see how toned my glutes are no one would offer me their seat.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Special Effects

I just watched the entire two hours and 45 minutes of Transformers-Age of Extinction, and my brain is tapioca. How much destruction do you have to show to keep people's attention? How loud do the explsions have to be? Do you have to destroy entire cities?
I remember when they parted the sea in The Ten Commandments and we sat there mouths agape. I dread sitting through the new Terminator release or The Avengers Age of Ultron or San Andreas or a dozen others. Actual character development takes about five minutes. Witty one liners substitute for substantive dialogue.
I wanted to see Testament of Youth but it's already out of theaters.
I just watched a two hour documentary about the late B.B. King. Not a hint of special effects, not even an attempt to make Mick Jagger less scary. The only explosion came from the guitarist's fingers on the strings.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Limp

His leg is all twisted, causing a pronounced limp. He has trouble speaking. one or two mumbled words. Grunts. Mid-fifties, lanky, graying; no one knows what happened to him.
He goes to strip clubs. Confesses none of the women are interested. He writes short pieces, prose poems. Has no interest in our writing. Leaves early.
He seems infatuated with a married woman in our group who is too full of compassion to realize what is happening. This will not end well.
Many desperately lonely people out there limping through life.

What She Tells Me

This is what she tells me. Someone is breaking into her condo and moving things around. There is no video because they are all in on it. Where ever she goes she is being recorded. It's not her cleaning woman. Cops, the super, strangers. Others.
I say nothing. I can't even nod. I give her my serious look so she doesn't get more upset.
I have no friends, she says.
The words hang helplessly above us.
I shrug, pick up the check and walk out, continuing with my life.

Diagnosis

My doctor says I might die in my sleep because of apnea. I stop breathing up to 30 seconds. I almost drowned in my c-pap mask, so I am trying a dental device that opens the air passage. I am not getting enough oxygen at night, which may account for my behavior during the day.
My diabetes is not in tight control. My prostate is growing. So are my cataracts. I have lost some hearing and my right foot hurts.
I must walk two hours a day and take 10 different drugs. My body has become a Third World country.

Eight Toes

In my entire life I have come across only eight toes worth examining out of about 300000. Exposing certain body parts must be regulated. A neck conveys experience and character. Age lines and flab are unacceptable around the neck.
Liver spots on the hands are actually quite artistic. Warts are conversation pieces. Birth marks have a story. Even hickeys can be intellectualized. But elbow creases blatantly displayed is disrespectful. Impressionable children are watching.
Larry King should not leave the house without a man bur-qua.

Little Tea Pot

The little tea pot was sad. It was summer and everyone switched to iced tea. No one cared about him.
Long, boring days ensued. He tried engaging with the blender, the toaster, and the micro, but they had their own thing going.
Looking out the window, he saw a barbecue with wine, soda, beer, and seltzer, besides the ice tea. Snapple to be exact. What happens to the insides of a neglected tea pot? It becomes cold and bitter and not very tasty. So in October when you return to hot tea your first few cups taste awful. Hard to swallow like abandoning an old friend in warm weather.
That quiet whining coming from the cabinet? Forgotten tea bags.