Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Stuffed Cabbage

I think the smell is coming from the stuffed cabbage room, Andrea said.
Inspector  Barlow asked why there was an entire room full of cabbage.
Before she could answer, Armando burst in, announcing the Mrs. is lying in the fertilizer bin.
Was she breathing, her half sister Margo asked.
The man flushed and admitted the stink forced him to retreat without checking.
Sir Whitely suggested they examine the stuffed cabbage room for clues.
I run this investigation, the Inspector barked. We will question all of the dinner guests, one by one, in the sitting room.
Sir, interrupted Browning the butler, there are no chairs in the sitting room.
How can people sit in the sitting room without chairs, asked Alistar, the defrocked minister with a drinking problem
The stench grew worse.
Martin, the host's husband, suddenly broke into sobs. I hadn't seen her since the appetizer and never reported it.
The Inspector eyed him suspiciously.
May I ask, sir, were you having marital problems?
The man broke down and admitted he was having an affair with Maggie the maid.
All that cabbage, mused Sir Whitely, can destroy a gastric system. Just saying.
Browning explained further. The sitting room chairs have been moved to the dining room to accomodate guests.
Elementary, muttered the Inspector, lighting his pipe. He took a deep breath and puffed fast. He was readying himself for the fertilizer.


I opened my underwear drawer and minions came bursting out, scrambling around the house, spewing unintelligible words. I tried to lock myself in the bathroom, but they poured out of the hamper.
When I finally confronted them and got some semblance of communication, I discovered they saw my bald head and big ears and thought I was Dr. Spock. Now they wanted wisdom to enhance their lives.
I thought a moment and came up with this: if you see someone choking in a restaurant, forget the Heimlich Maneuver, just climb into his pockets, as many as you can fit, and rub yourselves vigorously against his body. You can't choke while you are aroused. This is a fact.
The minions stared at me, took it in, and began bouncing all over. Some tried to get into my back pocket, but I fought them off. They love cocktail nuts.  Luckily I have two full cans. Who knows what hungry minions are capable of?

Coloring Book

Little Charlotte loved coloring giant lobsters. Pages and pages of angry lobsters.Green, yellow, orange and beige.
One day, Peter Pan was in the neighborhood holding fairy dust he swiped from Tinkerbell's apartment while she was in rehab.
He peeked in the window and saw Charlotte coloring away. He knew if he sprinkled the book the lobsters would come alive. And so he did.
Why did you make me beige, one hissed as they surrounded the girl. They gobbled up her crayons and began chasing her around the bedroom. Peter was aghast. Her mother heard the noise and charged through the door. The lobsters attacked her as Peter flew off to other adventures. Charlotte sat in the corner and cried.
You thought this would be a charming story you could read to your kids. You're on the wrong blog.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

The Mysterious Building

Brandon saw them lining up around the building every day while walking his dog. That place had been vacant for years. Six weeks ago the doors opened and lines formed. He thought maybe it was a medicinal marijuana clinic.
These were the oddest looking folks he'd ever seen. Features that didn't come together, long arms, hair sticking up in all directions, bulges where there shouldn't be, protruding teeth, awkward posture. Some honked and wheezed for no apparent reason.
Their clothes were ill fitting to say the least.
Brandon had to find out what was going on. He asked politely what the deal was.
Someone informed him they were casting for a movie based on the stories of Joe Del Priore, who wrote a series of books and self published. Big bucks if we get cast, one said.
Brandon had never heard of the guy. Curiosity satisfied, he walked off, honking and wheezing following him.

Family Negotiations

I lined them up in the living room. I had been putting this off because I hate confrontations. But things had gotten out of hand.
I shouldn't have to remind the four of you I picked you up off the gutter and gave you a home. It's not as luxurious as your former employer, Donald Trump, but it is comfortable. You have a roof over your heads  and a warm bed. Lately, all I'm getting is spurious complaints.
Let's go through them, shall we--and stay awake.
The reason you don't have toothbrushes is robots don't have teeth. I let you use my mouthwash out of the kindness of my heart.
If I want to leave my socks around, that is my prerogative.
You cannot just stop work to watch Jerry Springer.
Your sex life is your business, but try to keep it down. All that clanking is keeping me awake.
Who ate my cole slaw? Keep your paws out of my refrigerator.
Stop disparaging my wardrobe. Robert Hall suits still fit.
When I have guests, do not sit on their laps and ask for a hug.
This is what I get for being compassionate and treating you like family.
Wake up, Louis!

Oh, Granny

She came in through the bathroom window. I looked up and there was Granny climbing through once again. Not again, I said. Shut up and hide me, she cackled. I barely made it out of Francine's. Don't move as fast as I used to.
Tell me you didn't, Granny.
Did, didn't, it's all relative. just because I keep winning, they think I'm cheating. How do you cheat at poker? How about sticking me down in the basement behind the furnace. Not the closet. They nailed me there last time.
She stood a bit over five feet and weighed about 85 pounds.
Granny, they know where I live. They'll be here momentarily. This nonsense is driving down property values. Every friday night the same issue.
Don't argue with me, Sonny. I am who I am for 81 years and nothing's going to change.Just because I can deal fast doesn't mean a thing. Pennies, they're worried about pennies.
Bills were sticking out of her housecoat.
Quick, hide me under the sofa.
I did as told. Family is family.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Robot Silence

The robot working next to me on this assembly line never speaks. It's a long day without conversation. I liked it better when Howie was next to me. He wasn't quite fast enough, so this gleaming piece of aluminum was moved in. I can barely keep up, but they'll never replace me. I'm the shop steward. Getting our robots to join the union has been difficult. They don't need benefits and work for nothing.
It's harsh to categorize them as boring. Sophistication and wit are beyond them to this point. I tell knock knock jokes and there's no response. I'm not even sure if I should tell jokes disparaging Mexicans. Maybe they were created in Mexico.
Last week one robot locked up and had to be taken offline. I'm afraid one of them will catch fire. They seem pretty strong and might go berserk.
Maybe if I mention The Pope I'll get a response. Who doesn't like the Pope?