Saturday, October 22, 2016


I found Ernie in his backyard feverishly counting his chickens. He had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and did this ten times a day. He didn't shave or shower and ate one meal a day. I approached and the chickens seemed annoyed. They couldn't leap over the six foot fence. They had no union to protect them.
Don't bother me, he barked. I may have counted some of them twice and now I have to start over. I just wanted to borrow his hedge clipper. I was used to his crankiness, but not that smell, worse than the chickens.
I guess it could be worse. He could have been counting worms or butterflies.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

First Born

Margo the witch was furious. We had a deal, Marty. I lengthen your equipment in exchange for your first born. Where is my kid?
Marty tried to explain how hard he tried to get laid. His bar stool banter was lame. He dressed like a slovenly hipster. He had dandruff on his dandruff. When he got a woman drunk enough to get into bed his wang was so big it got stuck sideways in his boxers. By mthe time he released his lizard the lady had dozed off.
Margo listened and glowered. Enough, she barked. You know what the consequences are if you failed to deliver on your end.
Marty pleaded for another in vain/
The next morning he woke up with balls the size of honey dew melons. Chafing was certainly in his future.
Margo made a deal with Bill. His kid for learning how to make matzo ball soufflé

Occupy Barlucci

The Occupy Barlucci movement had stalled out. His pizza place was crowded with protesters, while his family cowered in a back room. Some wanted more anchovies, some wanted less spinach pizza, others demanded more tomato, less dough.
Police couldn't be bothered. Barlucci developed Carpel Tunnel Syndrome from flipping so many pizzas. The cost of ingredients had sky rocketed. His three delivery boy sons had no sense of direction. He wallowed in despair.
Bored, the protesters ate condiments and sprinkled cheese.
Eventually the neighborhood brokered a deal. Unlimited pepperoni topping in exchange for smaller anchovies. Most of the protesters despised anchovies anyway. ASslong as the cheese distribution remained stable.
Democracy in action.

Freezing Time

Things I would stop by freezing time.

Right before I pass wind.
Stopping someone reaching for the last brownie.
A lady smiling at me.
The moment a hot pepper touches my tongue.
Another car backing into my spoe.
Clenching my abs.
The garbage truck pulling away as I chase with my bags/.
Sniffing bleach alone in a darkened laundry.
Rescuing a stranger with food stuck in his esophagus.
When I get sudden insights in a world full of chaos.
Smelling a woman's perfume during a hug.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Lower Back

Tiny demons have engineered a hostile takeover of my lower back. They are holding my nerve endings hostage. They demand access to my nasal cavity. I am in a quandry. Back pain or sinus problems? I've had both and it's no picnic.
I sit here in my recliner watching football, wondering if I will ever be able to rise without help.I did some moderate lifting this morning before the demons took control.Tylenol  and a heating pad only helped a little. I should try to stretch, but truthfully, I need a good massage.
It's a beautiful afternoon and I refuse to be stuck inside. I must walk, I will walk. I will not give in to their demands. My nasal cavity is pristine and will remain that way. I do not negotiate with nerve terrorists.
If I still can't move well by tonight I will take a hot shower and lie naked on my bed. Maybe I'll keep my socks on.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Decision Tree

Wally had a decision to make. Should he marry Roxanne or not?
He stood before Ambivalent Bush and and got no definitive response.
He moved to Procrastination Hedge and was advised to hold off and wait.
He went to Pragmatic Vine and was told to check her bank account first.
Finally he reached Decision Tree, closed his eyes and meditated. All sorts of answers flooded his mind, life changing decisions.
Boxers or briefs?
Lentil soup or macaroni and cheese?
Beard or Mustache?
Table tennis or darts?
Cataract surgery or hernia?
Neil Young or Billy Joel/
Suspenders or belt?
With each resolved decision more leaves fell from the tree. Soon there was only one leaf left.
Roxanne or stay single?
That one leaf floated to the ground and Wally had his answer.
The tree sagged in exhaustion.
He hoped she liked suspenders.

Bad First Sentences

I woke up in a bed full of pus and realized the mother of all butt boils had exploded.
The sensual oatmeal beckoned and Donald shoved his maw down into the mush.
The raccoons closed in, lust in their eyes.
I lost all patience watching Carol remove lint from her elderly dad.
Smoke from the chimney could only mean the family had finally solved the problem of Uncle Jed.
The wise man looked to the sky and uttered one word--dominoes.
The elevator stopped mid floor and the stranger next to me pulled out a gun and demanded to know my stand on hermaphrodites.
When did coughing up phlegm become a competitive sport?