Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Streaks

There are streaks on my full length mirrors in my bedroom which I cannot eliminate. It doesn't matter what I spray on. They return like evil spirits. Maybe something sinister is living in my closet. I've tried Windex and damp sponge and dry paper towel and all purpose cleaner and prayer. The streaks spoil my view of myself.
I can clean my fridge and stove and floor and furniture. Windows are a challenge I will someday tackle. But these wonderful, besmirched mirrors are a curse I must deal with. I removed the sliding doors from my shower by myself. I am a capable person. I will find a way to solve this problem before I die.
If streaks begin appearing on my walls, time to call in Ghostbusters.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Thief

Warren was a thief. He stole posture, accents, dialects, laughs, expressions, stories. He was a professional actor and incorporated all in his work.
At a local theater he was performing a series of monologues when one of the attendees, Mandy Capowitz, recognized one of the stories as his own. It concerned a man ordering a lawn mower and getting one that only ran backwards. When he sent it back, the replacement only went sideways. It got plenty of laughs. Mandy was incensed and confronted Warren afterwards. The actor admitted he'd heard the story at a restaurant Mandy frequented and where he spoke loudly.
An apology wasn't enough. Mandy wanted him to cut his lawn once a week for a year. Warren agreed. This man, who only wished to entertain, found himself mowing a large lawn with a machine that only went sideways. He knew he had to face the music. As long as it wasn't Yanni.

Anticipation

Bob's house was surrounded by his core readership--zombies and hoarders. Word had gotten out that his next volume of the series was ready for publication and they could not wait. He locked himself in the bedroom as they pounded on windows and doors. The stench coming through the vent made him wretch.
He regretted that photo shoot in front of his house. Now they knew where he lived.
Eventually they broke down the door before the Zombie Swat Team arrived.
Whatever body parts the zombies left uneaten, the hoarders took home and stored in Tupperware.
There would be no further volumes in the series. Bob's editor saw this coming.

Trash

The dumpster is my friend. I've been tossing out lots of stuff lately. Thirteen broken cameras, 1500 spools of undeveloped film, old buckets, heavy duty electrical cord, an old jacket.
Thought I'd have to get rid of my VHS tapes, but saw VCR player on Amazon. Hours of fun watching old films. I gave a basketball to the Salvation Army. My knick knacks are treasures, but some have got to go because I have no place to put them.
I should hold my own flea market. I hate getting rid of albums I will never have time to listen to. I just feel safe perusing them as a link to my past.
I have an onyx lamp that doesn't work. I removed the shade, put it on my bar and declared it a sculpture. Who's to argue?
Decluttering is a spiritual experience.

Friday, August 21, 2015

Sports Authority

Now I have a plastic discount card from these people for my key ring. That makes 15 of these things, each representing a different store. I'm having trouble finding my door keys because of plastic swarm. If you have bladder problems it only makes things worse.
I'll have to eliminate at least a couple of tags. Big Lots? I hardly go there, but I like the design. A&P seems to be going out of business, but tossing that one would be UnAmerican. I will never relinquish my AC Moore tag.  Stop and Shop is a possibility. Their prices are higher and the cashiers snooty.
Panera must stay-I could have rewards I'm not aware of. And the color scheme is very soothing.
Pathmark gave up on this sort of thing. Just scan away and hope there are discounts imbedded. I wish doctors had the same thing. Swipe at each visit, get a free digital exam for ten visits.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Milk

I have developed a milk fixation. For years I ate my cereal dry, that's right, without milk. I can't remember why I gave up on this staple. I am lactose intolerant, but I have pills for that.
Anyway, a friend drank milk right out of the bottle in front of me and I thought that was kind of cool. So now I add it to my cereal.
In Burger King, when I get my coffee, they always give me 4 milk cups. I only use two and used to return the extra. But I thought about it and realized those are my cups, I paid for them. So I take them home and line them up in the refrigerator, waiting for their turn to douse my cereal.
I broke many bones as a kid, probably because I was milk deprived. Not anymore.

Greeting Cards

I got a card in the mail from an old penpal of 30 years giving me an update on her life. I tried sending her an email using the address she gave me, but it bounced back. There was no return address on the envelope, so I'll have to search my address book and hope they haven't moved.
Why has everything gotten so complicated?
Thankfully, I found my old transistor radio so I can listen to the ball game in my garage. Stores do not sell these gems anymore. I can't understand why us seniors have to constantly adopt to technology. Why isn't there a franchise called Senior Store, where all the old stuff is sold? I still have a record player and albums. I also have a VHS player I forgot how to use and about 200 VHS tapes nobody wants, not even Salvation Army.
Now I'll have to find her address and an appropriate card. More work, less time to ponder deep issues.