Sunday, July 23, 2017

Crackling Grandma

My grandma crackles. I don't know how she does it. She cackles too, but that's to be expected. All of us will eventually cackle. But no other adult I know crackles. I think it originates in her abdomen. She swears she's not in pain. I suggested meditation or yoga, but she refuses. She's proud of her uniqueness. Most times I'm okay with it, except when she's in the bathroom and I can hear loud crackling and cackling at once. I lose my appitite.
Grandpa just snorts--no crackle. I secretly recorded the two of them and sent the tape to a horror film director who is using it as the sound track to his next film. I thought about sharing the proceeds with my grandparents, but I have my own medical bills. When I crouch, a low whistle is emitted from my butt. I'm told it might be due to excess fiber. Maybe it's genetic. I could use a butt muffler.

Trip to Maine

My name is Adolphis and I am a moose bounty hunter. Each moose has distinctive markings. Once a moose commits a crime I am on the case. This one head butted two innocent campers. My contacts in the large antler species underground informed me the moose, Heinrich, headed for Maine.
I loaded my tranquilizer gun, hopped into my ATV, and headed north, stocking plenty of beef jerky for the trip. I have a moose tracking device based on scent. Sometimes it malfunctions and I accidentally tranquilize some housewife hanging wash in her yard. My bad.
Bringing back this animal nets me $250, barely enough to pay expenses. But this is my passion.
My tracer is lighting up and vibrating.I must be very close. My energy is optimal and I'm ready. One more bite of beef jerky and it's Go Time.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Off the Grid

I found the cast for my new play online. They had been laid off from a canceled children's TV show in Milwaukee. I was cutting corners salary wise. I took them to dinner to get them acclaimated to the big city. They couldn't believe octopus was on the menu.
I had written a musical version of The Winds of War, the Herman Wouk novel. All the cast members were excited to be involved. My director Keith, initially was stoked to begin. But as rehearsals wore on, it became obvuius none of the cast could sing worth a damn. So we changed our focus and I submitted a script of Hitchcock's Rear Window as a light comedy.
It was tough getting investors until The Mob showed interest. We are mounting our first preview very soon. The Boccanocca Family gets 65% of the profits. They made me an offer I couldn't refuse. You do what you have to in this business.

Twist and Shout

When The Lone Ranger took his first yoga class he twisted into the crouching cougar position and shouted Hi Ho Silver! He scared the hell out of the others, especially Arnie Silver in the back row. Afterwards he complained to Tonto he didn't understand the concept of yoga. His back had been bothering him after years of chasing varmints and he thought he had a hernia. He was told yoga would help.
Tonto nodded silently, his go to response when kemo sabe whined about something or other. Tonto, when stressed, just went hunting for rabbits.
He helped The Lone Ranger into his saddle and both realized their partnership was nearing its end. They had discussed opening a saloon, but getting a liquor license was a bitch. Tonto wanted to settle down and raise kids. He had his eye on Annie Oakley.

Waiting For It

Rescue team after another train derailment
Women attracted by my new cologne
The sun rising aftera sleepless night
Kirk Douglas to finally get his screen test in heaven
Hillary's latest excuse
New music from Billy Joel
A Zen pizza delevery
Someone to explain Zen
That hair restoration application to kick in
The first tulips and last snowball

Wednesday, July 12, 2017


Eraserhead loved the piles of hair that grew straight up like an eraser. People always commented on his unique look. One day he decided to have the sides trimmed to accentuate his look. He went to Angelo, the barber he used to go to as a kid. Now the man was much older, but his business was steady and his reputation intact.
The problem was Angelo had a rash that itched like mad. It soured his whole outlook. He didn't even want to open his shop, but his dedication won over. When Eraserhead walked in, he recognized him immediately. They shook hands and the young man sat in the chair. Just a trim on the sides, he said.
Not a problem, Angelo said. He marveled at the bushy pile of hair as he trimmed. He then asked if he wanted his eyebrows also trimmed. The fellow nodded. Just as Angelo began, he felt an intense itch down in an intimate area that caused his hand to slip. The entire eyebrow was shaved off. Eraserhead shouted obscenities. Angelo got furious and attacked his pile of hair with the shaver. In seconds Eraserhead became Flattop. He flung off the white sheet, jumped out of the chair and out the door screaming.
All Angelo wanted to do was hide in the bathroom and scratch and scratch and scratch.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


He had a plan. He would wait until just the right moment. The others would be preoccupied during a busy period. He remembered his lost friends, horribly eliminated. He felt completely alone, but he wanted to live.
Patience. Focus. Finally, the chef was in the bathroom, the servers on the floor. The kitchen was empty.
In one smooth leap, he hit the floor and frantically crawled out the back door into an alley. He made it to the sidewalk and thankfully there weren't many pedestrians and few cars.
If he could just find water. Wait! To his left a park, which could mean a pond. Maneuvering through shadows, he somehow made it and scooted atop the dry grass. He was exhausted, but found what he was looking for. Water. Turtles. Safety. Protection. Camouflage. He was about to crawl in when he heard a child's voice. Mom! Dad! Look1 A lobster!
He saw a net and cursed his luck. Why wasn't I born a crab? He was the one who almost got away.