Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Strange Cactus

We ran out of gas and I blame Cleo--she was driving. We were Peace Core volunteers headed for the village of Yana in the Solange providence. All we had were two canteens and a cooler full of Klondike bars.
Figure something out, she said. You're the guy. I got out and looked around. All desert in all directions. Then I saw movement. One of the cacti seemed to turn toward us and before I could react, it shot a laser beam right at my shoulder. I doubled over in pain and screamed, scrambling back to the Jeep.
Suddenly we got hit from all sides by beams as more cacti joined in the attack. I tried reasoning with them through the window to no avail. That's when Cleo opened up on them with an automatic rifle, blowing the bastards to bits. Cleo was from Texas.
We were still out of gas in the middle of nowhere, but I knew I'd come up with something. After all, I was the guy here.
Let's have a Klondike bar first, I said.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Salad

Toss in peanuts, lettuce and bacon bits. Add tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, red and green peppers
Olives, lots of pitless olives. mix it up good.
add my grandmother's special dressing, which i kept in a freezer in my basement for over a decade.
six friends coming over for dinner. ready to serve.
then i remembered grandpa keeled over and died after eating her salad. grandma collected all the insurance money.
oh well. i didn't say they were good friends.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Fashion Barbarism

My baseball cap makes me look gangsta. My fishing hat turns me into Woody Allen. Comfort is my guiding principle. Not so for women, who are dressed by sadistic men wearing ascots and too much moisturizer.
Women should just dress in layers that hang there without regard for hemlines, seams, big shoulders or plunging cleavage, the single biggest cause of strep throat in females. Who cares if it hangs right as long as it hangs.

Paul Bunyon

He was having a midlife crisis. Is this all I am? Destroyer of trees? They say I'm performing a service. Creating jobs. But my nightmares of being strangled by tree branches, being choked by leaves say different.
What else could I have done with my life? I am a powerful man with the intelligence of a muskrat.
No one criticizes beavers, who build faulty,sloppy construction. I'm not a sadist, have never destroyed a single flower. You're thinking maybe my big axe compensates for a tiny penis. Yeah? Stick around and I'll show you some real wood.

Why Balloons Matter

Without balloons there would be no balloon animals, putting kid entertainers out of work,leading to more street crime, desperate people jumping out of alleys, brandishing a balloon platypus, demanding your watch and phone.
There would be an excess of helium and much disorientation. How would we celebrate without balloons? Just saying.

Mt. Rushmore for women

Elinore Roosevelt
Billy Jean King
Rosa Parks
Ella Fitzgerald
Kate Hepburn 

Crumbs

They take turns vacuuming the crumbs off the carpet. There are always crumbs, many from crushed corn muffins. Then they rearrange Garbanzo beans. To shake up other residents, they substitute dried kidney beans.
So the day passes. Evenings, for entertainment, they release the inbred frogs, who have no sense of direction and collide in mid air. Soft smacking, then bedtime, another day done.