Thursday, June 16, 2016

Serious Young Women

Serious young women do not laugh at my jokes, stories, anecdotes, writing, asides.
They snicker at my wardrobe choices.
For a long time I thought this was fixable. It is not.
I refuse to desperately seek approbation that I am funny. I will not remove my shirt as a last resort.

Lost Gum

A few minutes ago I dropped a pack of gum between my car seat and the divider. I pushed the front seat all the way forward and checked underneath. No gum. I felt all around with my hand and banged my head several times. The gum costs .89, but it's the principle. Where could it have gone?
Every coin I lost was lying right under the seat. Same with pens and candy. There is no logical reason this cannot be found. i am going to make myself a peanut butter sandwich for protein energy and resume my search.
This has become a man thing. Women would just shrug and give up. I am making payments on that car so it should be loyal to its owner, not hide one stinking pack of sugar free gum. This is how a life begins to unravel. Not my life, folks.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Parent and Child

I am not a parent, but there would be no negotiation with my child. If I got backtalk I'd drag the ungrateful kid to a shed and lock him in there with hungry ferrets.
Then I'd post photos on the Internet and ask for offers. I guarantee the next time I give an order I'd get respect. Or maybe the kid would come at me with a machete.
Or I could forget all that cruelty and ask a nun to come over and let her do a number on him with her ruler.
Once you train them, you have a decade's worth of cheap labor.

Thursday, June 9, 2016


Sandra rushed to catch the elevator leading to her writing group meeting. She hated being late. Fortunately, Joe held the button so she could enter. She knew Joe mostly because he was so prolific.
She thanked him while expressing her fear of being late. Joe smiled and assured her if she walked in with him no one would say a peep because he had gravitas.
She noticed he seemed taller. She looked down and saw he was wearing black stilettos with four inch heels. Joe smiled and explained he had an issue with height. One day he glanced in a window showing women's shoes and realized there was the solution. I knew what I had to do. Right now I'm unsteady, but with practice I should manage heels gracefully. I love looking down on people.
Sandra could only admire Joe's taste. She had the same pair in aqua blue.


They came from Hoboken. Jersey City did everything it could to prepare. The visitors were young and educated. They moved en masse down Paterson Avenue past the Holland Tunnel, down Manila Boulevard, over to Grove Street and stopping at Newark Avenue.
Jersey City folks had heard the frightening stories, but if these two disparate cultures were to exist side by side there had to be a face to face meeting.
At 11am Saturday the first horde of giant strollers stopped by Grace Church. Residents held crosses out of windows, shaking in fear. Hipsters in ripped jeans and fedoras followed the strollers, some smoking cigars.
The writers, artists and musicians of JC formed a wall at the corner of Grove and Newark. At the first sign of trouble they would have fled to The Path train. They held out avocado dip and bean salad as a peace offering.
Everyone held their breath.
Amazingly the music of Enya relaxed everyone and the mellow atmosphere continued all day. A reporter asked a man his thoughts. 'I'm 82 and I never thought I'd see this. It's a miracle.'
Recipes were traded. Face painting ensued. Children had the dip and crackers. Some vomited.
Clean up duties were shared. As night fell there was some modest disrobing. True globalization.

Birds and Snakes

Mommy, what happened over there?
Billy, a baby bird fell out of the tree.
Why is that snake coming over?
The snake is talking to the bird's mother.
Snakes can talk?
Of course. They are probably deciding whether to sue the owner of the tree.
Because he didn't take care of it and the branch broke. Now they will sue.
What will that do?
They will settle out of court and the bird family will get free food for a year. The snake will get weekly deliveries of mice to eat.
What about all those other birds?
They are witnesses and will get their own bird bath.
What happens to the tree?
It will be cut down so this doesn't happen again.
Where will birds build their nests?
A developer will arrive to plant sturdy trees that will take three years to grow.
Will I see nests under my window?
I'll bet you do. Oh, that little bird is throwing up. Probably a concussion.
What is that?
A brain injury.
Like that guy with the strange hair who's always on TV?
Not that bad, dear.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Florescent Lighting

My bathroom florescent lighting lends me an air of mystery. If I carried a florescent lamp around and aimed it at the perfect angle, I'd get more respect.
Florence Florescent created this lighting years ago, but foolishly sold the rights to GE for a pittance. Later, she created florescent head lamps for miners, but was sued for copyright infringement by GE and wound up dying in poverty.
There is a statue of her in a small park in her hometown of Guttenberg, NJ. Parents try to explain her importance to kids, who just shrug and ask for ice cream.
After Hamilton winds down, there should be a musical about this woman. Meanwhile, I will continue to preen before my mirror, under lit and shadowed in mystery.