My Indian Dentist

My Indian dentist tells me her butt is too big. I ask if she's ever seen Everest. She says no. I ask if Nepal is a separate country from India. She informs me it is, but very close like Mexico to us.
As she drills she asks if I'm okay and I nod. She is in her thirties with a family. Walks very fast. Loves taking x-rays. Two needles pinch me slightly.
I can feel her pushing down with her strong fingers.The way she gently but firmly gives orders and instruction to her assistant is quite erotic. I really need to nap, but she tells me to open my eyes. I do what she says. Her eyes are big and dark and intense.
I am at her mercy. She is a root canal specialist. I assume that is why she doesn't give me a free toothbrush afterwards like my regular dentist. If I discover others got one I will be crushed.
Driving home, numbed up, I contemplate the shape of her butt under the blue smock.

Holiday Family Party

I'm hoping there are no fights or serious arguments. The best way to prevent rancor is keeping serving food and drink. The animosity goes back a long way. I will not choose sides. I just hope I don't become the referee. It helps that there is a big dog bouncing around the living room
I don't know some of the people very well. If they ask what I'm up to, I'll tell them I'm happily retired. That should bore them enough to end the inquiry. I don't like talking about myself. New Year's resolutions are another topic. I'll say I resolve to drink more water. That should bore everyone enough to leave me alone to watch football.
I will be amazed at how youngsters are now teens and young adults and I am possibly the oldest in the group. I will ward off sadness by drinking extra eggnog. On January 2 I will resume my losing battle with keeping up with bills. I got a $50 gift card to Stop & Shop. Now I have to find one. I will use all of it on healthy fruit and veggies and any magazines with Zendaya on the cover.

Musical Chairs

So I went to see The Last Jedi and sat there with a few others at this 1130am showing. The sound on the coming attractions was perfect, but no picture. Then the movie began and still no picture. Then a blank screen. We were told they were working on it. Half hour later, we were moved to another theater witha 3-d showing. I took the glasses with temerity. I heard people get dizzy watching 3-d. Well, I had nothing to fear because that screen went blank. Twenty minutes later we were moved to yet another theater. This time everything worked and we saw this 2 and a half hour opus.
This was senior discount Wednesday and altogether we elderly lost one precious hour of our lives. They should have offered free popcorn and soda.
Mark Hamill can really act. Who knew?

Forbidden Storage Space

One day my neighbor from Haiti asked me to take a spare key to his storage space. If anything happens to me, destroy everything, were his instructions. I shrugged and took the key. He seemed nervous, but in these times who isn't?
Two weeks after he gave me that key his body was found covered in strange markings in a dumpster. Police were baffled.
I was shocked. But I had made a promise and went to the storage building and found his space. I wasn't sure what I would actually do once inside. Destroying someone's property did not appeal to me. I used the key and opened the door. I could lie to you. I could say I found nothing unusual. Sorry. I saw dozens of different exotic dolls and many candles. I heard something in the semi darkness. A low moaning. I looked up. What seemed to be mist on closer examination turned out to be figures of spirits, floating, hovering.
I shot out of there and kept running.
Later, I went online and looked up anything I could find about voo doo.
My neighbor must have offended the wrong God.
I sense his wife knows more than she's saying.

January Sales

I always wait until January to purchase my thong underwear. I get rock bottom prices for my rock bottom. I order by the dozen. An active guy like me runs through them pretty fast. I also order my sun tan lotion at that time. Despite my age, I have the body of a twenty five year old and beaches and pools clamor for me as their lifeguard.
I've gotten discounted poets who sit in my living room reciting their work as I play soft music. A few years ago I found a cold cut slicing machine at half price. I spent weeks slicing pounds of cold cuts and sharing with neighbors. Then I got carpel tunnel syndrome and had to stop.
My church, St. Rocco of the Ho;y Riverbed, offered half price crosses, free confessions and extra Holy Water after Christmas.
The best aspect of January shopping is the slashed price of eggnog. If there were eggnog available throughout the year, I think there would be more tolerance and world peace.
But I said that about guacamole dip and look who we elected.

Savior

Me alone. Flat tire in parking lot. Empty trunk to find donut tire. Me trying to loosen lug nuts unsuccessfully.
Car pulls up. Man gets out. Speaks broken English, possibly Latino. Asks if I need help. I explain the situation. Gym work does not help. He takes instrument and patiently loosens lug nuts. Replaces my tire. I thank him and offer $5. He refuses. Gets in car and leaves.
\Hudson County gets a bad rap. Not the richest, nor the best educated. But once in a while someone will do something like this and give you hope.
Now I need to double my exercises to strength my arms. Thankfully, no woman was in  the car with me.

Men's Locker Room

Rules--
no giggling
no side glances
no communication
no taking two lockers
no peeing without flushing
no humming show tunes
no loud grunts during bowel movements
no coughing fits
no serious farting
no flexing
no comparing body parts
no multi-colored socks
no hair dryers
no mousse
no mention of Project Runway
no more than 4 'bro' references
no combing shoulder hair
Absolutely no squealing

Relaxation Techniques

Benny used relaxation techniques on various animals. He taught a baby sparrow who kept falling out of the nest balance and judgment. A squirrel kept coughing up nuts until Benny showed him better mouth storage skills. He helped numerous flying squirrels avoid slamming into each other mid air.
There was a pig who hated mud and was gradually introduced to it by getting hosed down in dirt. A beaver who hated the taste of wood, who feared his teeth would crack. Benny started him off on oatmeal and gradually introduced harder substances until the fear was gone.
An anteater had nightmares about accidentally consuming spiders to the point where his snout tightened up and closed. Benny held up rubber spiders in front of him until that fear ended. A goat feared a farmer who looked at him strangely. Benny had a frank talk with the man, threatening to report him to the police. A cow was so tense it couldn't give milk. Benny sang soft folk songs and convinced it personality was more important than milk production.
A buzzard suffered from binge eating and he gave the bird a mantra to repeat. He was convinced this would work because it did so with a very agitated hummingbird.
Benny just adored nature.

Crossing Guard

Bart finally achieved his life ambition--he was crossing guard at the Fallupi intersection   six way beast of a challenge. People rushing to work, kids to school, a blind man, vicious feral dogs, a rabid squirrel.
The Kasabi family of eight, led by Mrs. Kasabi, an aggressive crosser who ignored him and almost got her kids run over just added to the tension.
For nine months there wasn't a single incident at his intersection. Other crossing guards practically genuflected before him
Until that fateful day when some old guy, evidently a writer, approached vehicles, trying to get people to buy his book. One actually did, and his excitement was such that he stepped in front of a 16 wheeler and became turkey stuffing.
His fellow writers brought ragweed to the spot afterward, which stunk up the whole area.
Mrs. Kasabi complained about mustard on his yellow vest. Bart almost used his stun gun on her. But he had too much class to follow through.

Basic Training

I hated basic training. Drill Sargents screaming at you. Drop for pushups. Grab those vertical bars. Endless marching, saluting, fatty foods, stupid platoon members screwing up, making all of us pay. Boredom at night, lumpy bunks, tossing grenades, firing rifles, crawling under barbed wire, snorting gas, bayonet fighting, climbing poles, laying wire, lugging 99 pound howitzer shells, driving bumpy jeeps and trucks.
I missed sitting in philosophy class pondering cerebral mysteries.
But looking back, I realize the Army taught me assertiveness and self confidence. Look at how I carry myself. The posture, the facial expression, the walk, the tone of voice.
I have an honorable discharge in my garage near my 14 safe driving awards from the Post Office, my Little League trophy and my 300 unsold books.
This is a life well lived. Learning to kill and maim made me who I am today.