Maria was the very first molecule created. She was surrounded by darkness and silence. What was her purpose? Sub atomic particles bounced around inside her. She wanted answers.
One day Anthony appeared. Another molecule. Soon they were a couple. They wanted to merge, but had no extremities and sex hadn't been created yet. Their particles were getting more restless. Maria and Anthony decided to take a break.
Soon, however, billions of other molecules appeared. They lost track of each other. Maria wound up in Cleopatra and Anthony was placed inside Napoleon. Two different, but exciting lives.
Life became more complex. Time as a concept became important. Particle accelerators destroyed sub atomic particles. Maria and Anthony never did meet again. This tragic couple was lost to time.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Francis
Nunzio knew being a good father meant teaching your son. Francis was frightened. He looked up at the 40 foot tree and cringed. You got this, his father insisted. It's in your DNA. Go ahead and climb.
His son tentitively grasped the tree and started climbing. At ten feet, he lost his grip and fell. His big eyes pleaded with his father to take him home, but Nunzio was determined to finish this task.
Ten, fifteen times Francis tried and the resulys were the same. Nunzio despaired. Was he a failure as a father?
Suddenly a tour bus pulled up full of people with cameras. Francis spotted them and impulsively scampered to the top of the tree and hung upside down on a sturdy branch. One tourist became so excited, he got off the bus and walked toward the tree. The tour guide ran up and stopped him. Koala bears look cute, but they can quickly turn vicious. Get back on the bus.
Francis eventually dozed off up there.
His son tentitively grasped the tree and started climbing. At ten feet, he lost his grip and fell. His big eyes pleaded with his father to take him home, but Nunzio was determined to finish this task.
Ten, fifteen times Francis tried and the resulys were the same. Nunzio despaired. Was he a failure as a father?
Suddenly a tour bus pulled up full of people with cameras. Francis spotted them and impulsively scampered to the top of the tree and hung upside down on a sturdy branch. One tourist became so excited, he got off the bus and walked toward the tree. The tour guide ran up and stopped him. Koala bears look cute, but they can quickly turn vicious. Get back on the bus.
Francis eventually dozed off up there.
Saturday, December 22, 2018
Husky Revolt
The eight huskies stopped dead. The sled came to a halt. The maniac driving it cursed them. Walt, husky leader, told his crew what they already surmised--the human was insane. Crossing Antarctica alone in sub zero temperatures was suicide. We didn't sign up for this, he barked. The others howled in agreement.
We need to turn this baby around and head back to civilization. I want to have kids. My balls are frozen. So is my tongue. Eight of us, one of him. Plus, you're sick of staring at each other's butt hole. We were ready to sacrifice in the name of exploration, but not this insanity. Even Polar bears are huddled together.
Let's shift our weight and do a reverse. If he falls out, not our problem. See that? He just spit on Malcolm. The swine.
We need to turn this baby around and head back to civilization. I want to have kids. My balls are frozen. So is my tongue. Eight of us, one of him. Plus, you're sick of staring at each other's butt hole. We were ready to sacrifice in the name of exploration, but not this insanity. Even Polar bears are huddled together.
Let's shift our weight and do a reverse. If he falls out, not our problem. See that? He just spit on Malcolm. The swine.
Dracula
Dracula was getting impatient. His watch said 315 PM. Five more hours until daylight. His idiot caretaker insisted on leaving his coffin in the living room with the TV on.
Dr. Phil was a blowhard. Ellen was silly and immature. He knew all of Rachel Ray's recipes. Got annoyed at soap operas. Judge Judy scared him. So did the women on The View.
He was consumed with nightfall and blood. His caretaker sometimes played music. Metallica, Radiohead, Connie Francis and Barry Manilow. Dracula especially enjoyed the Andy Williams Christmas album.
But the days dragged to the point he wished he weren't the un-dead.He wondered what blood type Dr. Phil was. The only real celebrity he'd bitten, bit him right back. It was Dick Cheney. Dracula respected that man. How could he not?
Dr. Phil was a blowhard. Ellen was silly and immature. He knew all of Rachel Ray's recipes. Got annoyed at soap operas. Judge Judy scared him. So did the women on The View.
He was consumed with nightfall and blood. His caretaker sometimes played music. Metallica, Radiohead, Connie Francis and Barry Manilow. Dracula especially enjoyed the Andy Williams Christmas album.
But the days dragged to the point he wished he weren't the un-dead.He wondered what blood type Dr. Phil was. The only real celebrity he'd bitten, bit him right back. It was Dick Cheney. Dracula respected that man. How could he not?
Silence
I live in silence. My condo has no parties, my neighbors are quiet. Sometimes it is so quiet I play with zippers and call credit card customer service just to hear menus.
People who live out in the country must go slowly insane. I think that's what happened to J.D. Salinger over the years.
Last night I was alone in a coffee shop except for a guy sitting behind me who didn't make a peep. I hardly knew he was there as I wrote in my notebook. Maybe the glare from the top of my skull drove him into a trance.
There was mercifully no piped in music, no scrambling, giggling kids.I closed my eyes and thought about my legacy as a writer. Then I thought about chocolate as I remained in my quiet little bubble.It was so silent I prayed I wouldn't fart and have it heard by the teenage counter girls.
People who live out in the country must go slowly insane. I think that's what happened to J.D. Salinger over the years.
Last night I was alone in a coffee shop except for a guy sitting behind me who didn't make a peep. I hardly knew he was there as I wrote in my notebook. Maybe the glare from the top of my skull drove him into a trance.
There was mercifully no piped in music, no scrambling, giggling kids.I closed my eyes and thought about my legacy as a writer. Then I thought about chocolate as I remained in my quiet little bubble.It was so silent I prayed I wouldn't fart and have it heard by the teenage counter girls.
Saturday, December 15, 2018
The Journey
Eldon was exhausted, as was his family. The covered wagon bounced and jerked sideways. His kids cried. His wife was a pillar of strength, which kept him going.
He had the paperwork giving him a stake, a piece of land he could farm. His cousin Josepi was already established out west with a pizza parlor. Business was popping, although he had to make his own cheese.
His son asked about Indians and Eldon could not betray his own concern. Day after day they trudged on through freezing cold and wind. One day it rained hard, causing serious mud, which the horses got bogged down in. They were stranded. Off in the distance they heard music growing closer.
Out of the rain and fog emerged a mariachi band. They were lost, looking for Mexico.
Eldon pointed south and told them to keep going in that direction. In return, the band offered a maracas player. Cannibalism crossed Eldon's mind for a moment. He shook his head. Even here in the middle of nowhere, a man must keep his principles. Eating one of the horses was not off the table however.
He had the paperwork giving him a stake, a piece of land he could farm. His cousin Josepi was already established out west with a pizza parlor. Business was popping, although he had to make his own cheese.
His son asked about Indians and Eldon could not betray his own concern. Day after day they trudged on through freezing cold and wind. One day it rained hard, causing serious mud, which the horses got bogged down in. They were stranded. Off in the distance they heard music growing closer.
Out of the rain and fog emerged a mariachi band. They were lost, looking for Mexico.
Eldon pointed south and told them to keep going in that direction. In return, the band offered a maracas player. Cannibalism crossed Eldon's mind for a moment. He shook his head. Even here in the middle of nowhere, a man must keep his principles. Eating one of the horses was not off the table however.
Dissent
The idea came to me as I drove past a Chuck E. Cheese. Why not a similar place for adults. where they could engage recklessly. I'd call it Dissent, a place where adults could gather and do nothing but argue.
Light refreshments would be served and admision would be $20 a head. Get all of it off your chest. Make it clear you are right 100%. Lung power was vital. Listening was not. Anyone caught agreeing would be tossed out.
For a $100 yearly membership you get a black card entitling you to join any Dissent group anywhere.
Who needs understanding when one has a perfectly good position?
I personally believe not all body fungus is bad. Go ahead, argue that.
Light refreshments would be served and admision would be $20 a head. Get all of it off your chest. Make it clear you are right 100%. Lung power was vital. Listening was not. Anyone caught agreeing would be tossed out.
For a $100 yearly membership you get a black card entitling you to join any Dissent group anywhere.
Who needs understanding when one has a perfectly good position?
I personally believe not all body fungus is bad. Go ahead, argue that.
Moving In
James was excited about moving into his condo. He decluttered from his old apartment and cherished the storage space next to his bathroom. Perfect for keeping his beloved paintings.
However, he didn't know how to store Sally, Elsa, Gretchen and Lupita. He could just leave them in their containers. Maybe leave just one inflated and ready for romance. Lately he felt a strong attraction to Lupita. Elsa had sprung a leak, leaving her less than satisfying. Sally seemed bored and Gretchen was simply not as flexible as in years past.
James decided to table this decision and focus on matching his throw rugs with his drapes. If he had guests he wanted them to assume he was just like them. The bank certainly would not give a mortgage to someone strange.
However, he didn't know how to store Sally, Elsa, Gretchen and Lupita. He could just leave them in their containers. Maybe leave just one inflated and ready for romance. Lately he felt a strong attraction to Lupita. Elsa had sprung a leak, leaving her less than satisfying. Sally seemed bored and Gretchen was simply not as flexible as in years past.
James decided to table this decision and focus on matching his throw rugs with his drapes. If he had guests he wanted them to assume he was just like them. The bank certainly would not give a mortgage to someone strange.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
Poised Pen
Everyone was jealous of Nicky for being such a prolific writer, turning out one book after another. He'd sit alone in a cafe typing away, oblivious to everything.
We must distract him, they thought. But how?
Rhonda was the answer. Stacked, beautiful and willing to help, she asked if she could sit across from him. Nicky nodded without looking u p. She leaned forward and cleared her throat. Nicky look ed up and froze. He couldn't breathe.
She introduced herself, asked what he was writing. A bio of Frederick Douglas, he stammered. Do you also write?
No, she answered. I'm an exotic dancer at Club Carnal on Route 46. Nicky swallowed. Perhaps you can write about me, she suggested.
Nicky nodded quickly. You would have to see me dance first. Nicky kept nodding and breathing hard.
His concentration was shot. She leaned forward even further, giving him a good look.
Are you single, she asked.
Nicky nodded and closed his laptop and opened his heart.
We must distract him, they thought. But how?
Rhonda was the answer. Stacked, beautiful and willing to help, she asked if she could sit across from him. Nicky nodded without looking u p. She leaned forward and cleared her throat. Nicky look ed up and froze. He couldn't breathe.
She introduced herself, asked what he was writing. A bio of Frederick Douglas, he stammered. Do you also write?
No, she answered. I'm an exotic dancer at Club Carnal on Route 46. Nicky swallowed. Perhaps you can write about me, she suggested.
Nicky nodded quickly. You would have to see me dance first. Nicky kept nodding and breathing hard.
His concentration was shot. She leaned forward even further, giving him a good look.
Are you single, she asked.
Nicky nodded and closed his laptop and opened his heart.
New Language
The toxic culture in the office had to be addressed. Too much friction, insults, cruelty. People hated coming to work.
Manager Naomi opened a large cardboard box and began handing out hand puppets. This is how we will communicate from now on, she said. Use your hand puppets and smile as you speak. Wiggle it, rub it against your coworker's face. Communicate!
Joe kept to himself. Naomi cornered him. What's wrong, Joseph. He frowned. My puppet looks like Harvey Feirstein. How can I imitate his raspy frog in heat voice? Why didn't you give me Michael Buble or even Pee Wee Herman? You just added more stress to my life.
Naomi sighed. Give it a chance. She walked off. Joe rubbed his puppet against his cheek and whispered,Sspeak to me, Harvey.
Later, he rejoined the group, a strange smile on his face.
Manager Naomi opened a large cardboard box and began handing out hand puppets. This is how we will communicate from now on, she said. Use your hand puppets and smile as you speak. Wiggle it, rub it against your coworker's face. Communicate!
Joe kept to himself. Naomi cornered him. What's wrong, Joseph. He frowned. My puppet looks like Harvey Feirstein. How can I imitate his raspy frog in heat voice? Why didn't you give me Michael Buble or even Pee Wee Herman? You just added more stress to my life.
Naomi sighed. Give it a chance. She walked off. Joe rubbed his puppet against his cheek and whispered,Sspeak to me, Harvey.
Later, he rejoined the group, a strange smile on his face.
The Namers
The Namers stared at the object before them, trying to contain their excitement. Sniffed it, examined it from all angles. This was something completely new. Puzzlement. Consternation.
Possibilities were tossed out. None semmed to fit. Brain block. Mind fog.
Maybe we should taste it, one suggested. No, that's against protocol, another responded. Just then one member coughed and sneezed simultaneously. A collective light bulb went off. That's it! That sound is this object.
The leader took a deep breath and shouted Falafel!
The group broke into applause. Another project successfully completed.
They then devoured said project in seconds.
Possibilities were tossed out. None semmed to fit. Brain block. Mind fog.
Maybe we should taste it, one suggested. No, that's against protocol, another responded. Just then one member coughed and sneezed simultaneously. A collective light bulb went off. That's it! That sound is this object.
The leader took a deep breath and shouted Falafel!
The group broke into applause. Another project successfully completed.
They then devoured said project in seconds.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Insect Threat
They are watching us. Trillions of insects just waiting to destroy mankind. Not birds--birds are harmless. Insects. Crawling, hopping, buzzing, staring with nightmarish bug eyes.
We've let our guard down, focusing on global warming. Nonsense. We're blinded by the grace of the mantis, the flash of the firefly, charming crickets, lovely ladybugs, industrious ants, undefeated roaches.
Outnumbered, we must do what the Russians do--strike first.
I've written letters, distributed leaflets, texted and emailed the authorities. Insects are our mortal enemies--that's my message.
They feed me well here. The bed is a bit uncomfortable, especially with the restraints, which come off if I'm good.
They think I'm going to harm myself. Fools. Right there in the corner I see a tiny spider watching me, forming its nefarious strategy. If necessary, I will eat it.
We've let our guard down, focusing on global warming. Nonsense. We're blinded by the grace of the mantis, the flash of the firefly, charming crickets, lovely ladybugs, industrious ants, undefeated roaches.
Outnumbered, we must do what the Russians do--strike first.
I've written letters, distributed leaflets, texted and emailed the authorities. Insects are our mortal enemies--that's my message.
They feed me well here. The bed is a bit uncomfortable, especially with the restraints, which come off if I'm good.
They think I'm going to harm myself. Fools. Right there in the corner I see a tiny spider watching me, forming its nefarious strategy. If necessary, I will eat it.
Brain Cells
Out of billions of brain cells, it's been established men only use 11 for decision making and judgment calls. That's right--11.
Women use about a billion. But they also use at least that much for discussing each decision with their friends and with men.
Guys use those 11 for guy things like--
smashing beer cans on their foreheads
playing video games until they lose consciousness
revving their motorcycles really loud
skinny dipping wearing only neck jewelry
refusing to collect clipped toenails
nuzzling thes dog too long
running against traffic
scratching in strange places
offering to light a woman's cigarette with a flashy lighter
trying to look thoughtful without getting a headache
Women use about a billion. But they also use at least that much for discussing each decision with their friends and with men.
Guys use those 11 for guy things like--
smashing beer cans on their foreheads
playing video games until they lose consciousness
revving their motorcycles really loud
skinny dipping wearing only neck jewelry
refusing to collect clipped toenails
nuzzling thes dog too long
running against traffic
scratching in strange places
offering to light a woman's cigarette with a flashy lighter
trying to look thoughtful without getting a headache
Sorry
I'm sorry I missed your wedding. I'm sure it went well. I didn't come because I'm sitting here in a grungy Motel 6 room with no job. I punched out my boss. My car was repossessed. I'm broke and am mainlining smack. My bank account is a myth. My friends abandoned me after I refused to get help.I haven't shaved or showered in days. I don't smell too good. My landlord changed the locks.
After you broke up with me, my life took a bad turn. If I weren't on the first floor, I'd leap out the window.
So I missed your wedding. Have a great life.
After you broke up with me, my life took a bad turn. If I weren't on the first floor, I'd leap out the window.
So I missed your wedding. Have a great life.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Cataract Hell
They don't tell you everything beforehand. 1% of cataract removals cause problems. Fine. I'll take those odds.
He removed a big one from my right eye. Done in five minutes. Assembly line office. I get home, take off the plastic see through cover as instructed. Can't see anything but white light. Not even a blur. I figure the cause is a dilated pupil. Hours pass. No change. Pupil still dilated at bedtime. Next morning pupil is back to normal. But I still can't see out of the eye.
Must call friend to drive me to doctor. They show no alarm. The doctor looks into my eye. Tells me the size of the cataract caused swelling in the cornea and fluid accumulation. A not uncommon result of this surgery.
I'm given beta blocker drops which should lower the pressure in my eye and ease the swelling. Online, it says recovery can be anywhere from two days to much longer. Right now I have 50% vision in te eye.
They don't tell you everything.
He removed a big one from my right eye. Done in five minutes. Assembly line office. I get home, take off the plastic see through cover as instructed. Can't see anything but white light. Not even a blur. I figure the cause is a dilated pupil. Hours pass. No change. Pupil still dilated at bedtime. Next morning pupil is back to normal. But I still can't see out of the eye.
Must call friend to drive me to doctor. They show no alarm. The doctor looks into my eye. Tells me the size of the cataract caused swelling in the cornea and fluid accumulation. A not uncommon result of this surgery.
I'm given beta blocker drops which should lower the pressure in my eye and ease the swelling. Online, it says recovery can be anywhere from two days to much longer. Right now I have 50% vision in te eye.
They don't tell you everything.
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