Animal Love

Maury knew the cops were after him. He was breaking into seafood stores and freeing the lobsters. He couldn't deal with their plight. It didn't stop there. His apartment was home for crabs, snails and oysters.
They were quiet, unlike his former anteater, who honked for food. His place smelled less than sweet, but Maury could care less.
As the lobsters aged, he fitted them with adult diapers. His biggest challenge was getting the clams to open up and express some emotion. An obnoxious crawfish tried to mate with one of the crabs and ate a snail.
Sometimes Maury would get lucky at a bar and bring a woman home. These narrow minded women could not grasp his compassion for these beasts. It wasn't as though he were breeding skunks.
So he spent lots of time in his recliner petting several clams on his lap, whispering loving words.
Once, a lobster bit off one of his toes, but he had nine more. It's all good, he thought.

Tongues

Lena went to that new church and soon began speaking in tongues. Wally had no idea what she was saying. This isn't you, Lena, he shouted. She sprayed saliva and fell to the ground. Her eyes rolled up revealing white.
Was she seeing God or Satan or both? Finally the spiritual epileptic fit ended. She lay there exhausted. When her breathing calmed, Wally leaned over and asked what she was saying. Lena blinked several times, opened her mouth and croaked, I'd like some Altoids.

Bar Brawl

All hell broke loose. Drunks dropped trou and yodeled. Women clawed at the hot bartender. The bouncers threw each other out. The floor was wet and sticky, Rhesus monkeys hung from ceiling lights and defecated on passed out revelers. The paper towels were set on fire.
Police, EMS and firemen arrived. A priest stood outside and prayed. It took hours for order to be restored.
I'm begging you, Joe, choose another town for a reading and book signing. The firemen let all your books go up in flame as a precaution. Too little, too late.

Shower Curtains

Sliding glass shower doors are ridiculous. Soap scum accumulates to a point where you need a chisel to remove it. They are heavy and clumsy and add nothing to the bathroom decor. A visitor can see enough to distingish one's private parts. Somtimes they get stuck.
Shower curtains, on the other hand, are colorful and imaginative and can match your walls. How exciting is it to run them back and forth on the rod, bunching and separating hooks. Teach your kids. There are Bob Marley, Bernie Sanders, Gloria Steinem branded ones, complete with large photo.
The Al Sharpton Deluxe Shower Curtain sells for $49.99 at Kohls. Everybody has a brand.
It's all about bathroom prestige. I understand the Clintons are putting out a combination shower curtain/ Dollie set. Buy one, get one free.

Dent People

They sit in their cars for hours in lots just waiting, waiting for another driver to pull up next to them, open their door and gently tap the door to their car.
Then they jump out all angry and flustered, upset over the 'damage' to their vehicle, not noticable to the naked eye. They demand cash to pay for it. If you refuse, they threaten to call police or store security. Some might break into tears, claiming they just purchased the vehicle. Look at that scratch! What scratch?
Back and forth. You're tired and late, so you give him $20 and leave, shaking your head.
Next day, the bastard is parked in another lot, just sitting there, waiting for another inadvertent door tap. This constitutes their beer money. Such is capitalism.among the 99%