Multi-talented

Jay was retired and bored. He sought something different. At an arts and crafts festival he saw an amazing performance by a man played harmonica while whittling a stick held between his knees.
Next day, Jay bought a harmonica and began practicing. He got a knife and wood at Home Depot.
He worked and worked and eventually was able to play a Dylan tune while whittling a swizzle stick.
He sat in front yard performing as neighbors watched in amazement.
Sadly, he developed hiccups and accidentally slashed an artery with his knife, bleeding out in minutes.
Life is so fragile. His swizzle sticks are now collectors items.

Greeting

Nice to see you is such a bland greeting. It conveys nothing. After a short conversation with someone you barely know, this is one thing you say with a smile. What does nice even mean? Under what context?
I had a nice colonoscopy. It feels nice to nuzzle my dog. Snowflakes are quite nice.
What about a quick hug? Whwn does that come into play?
Here's another one--catch you later.
That makes no sense if you go off in different directions with completely different plans. You may never see that person for months.
I missed you is still another phony statement. No one ever says that to me. If I say it to a woman a red flag pops up.
See you soon.
No you won't.

Clouds

God was bored with his clouds, so he brought in Estaban, a designer, to create more interesting ones. Humans were bored looking at the sky.
Estaban thought long and hard about this project. He didn't want to let The Lord down.
Finally he came up with a concept and pitched it to God, who was skeptical, but gave him the go ahead.
Estaban created clouds in the likeness of dead comedians, people the public loved.
Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, W.C. Fields, Bob Hope, Jack Benny, Lucille Ball, Mary Tyler Moore, Mae West, Groucho Marx, Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, the Three Stooges, Richard Pryor, Red Foxx, Moms Mabley, George Carlin, on and on.
TV weather reporters had to adjust. "Temperatures dropping, wind increasing, partly Henny Youngman, with a chance of showers."
Estaban pushed the envelope by creating a Bernie Sanders cloud, but that frightened kids. So he switched to George Burns, a wiser cloud covered with smoke.

A Story

Tell me a story, Daddy.
Okay, Sweetheart. Once upon a time there was a shirtless man who rode horses to show off his manly chest. In fact, he frequently took of his shirt for no reason. He ran his village with an iron fist, disposing of all suspected enemies in horrible ways. So fearsome was he, that other villages refused to trade with him. His people grew hungry and thirsty for vodka.
His response was to attack and conquer the other villages. The populace was distraught. Who would save them from the shirtless madman?
Word came that there was a powerful man from far across the orean, someone who led the strongest village ever. Yes, he woud be the one to come with his forces and save them. Their hopes soared.
But one day a photo appeared showing the savior shaking hands and smiling at the shirtless beast. Chagrin followed.Now their only hope was for the shirtless man to fall off his horse and land on his head.
What happened? This story is not quite finished, my dear. But don't worry. You are safe. It's just a story.

Sopranos

The final episode of the Sopranos left viewers asking, is that all? Suddenly the screen went dark. Nothing was resolved.
I refused to let it go. There must be clues somewhere as to what really happened. So I went to Holstein's ice cream shop in Bloomfield and sat right in that very booth. I looked over every inch, determined to find a clue. Then I crawled under the table with my flashlight and waved it back and forth.
In the far corner I saw it--a series of numbers and letters, which I scribbled down.
I brought the code to my friend Sebbie, a world class code breaker. Three days later he called me with the message.
I had to calm myself. This solved the mystery.
Here was the message: "Tony dies of feta cheese poisoning. David Chase."
I sobbed. I love Tony Soprano. I also love feta cheese. I was so torn.

Sociology

One time a college student asked to follow me around so she could study my daily habits. I like privacy, but she was cute so I said okay.
She accompanied me to my favorite coffee shop, where I sat and read the paper. Two hours later, I was still reading and she had dozed off. After I shook her awake, she suggested I do something interesting. So i took out my nose hair clipper and went to work.
The young lady grimaced and sheepishly told me she might be better off following someone else. I was hurt, but agreed. As she left, she asked if I could recommend someone. I thought a moment and gave her the contact information for my proctologist. She thanked me and left.
Truthfully, if you experience me doing or saying uninteresting things, it's just a ruse. I am actually dynamic, charismatic, colorful, witty and elegant.
I do, however, have coffee breath.