I don't trust the guy who changes my oil because he told me my air conditioner needed recharging. The guy who is my mechanic tested it and said that was nonsense. But the mechanic at the dealer showed me burnt spark plugs, indicating the mechanic I had trusted before had put in the wrong plugs for that car nine months ago. But the dealer mechanic also suggested I needed a new battery only two years after I had another installed by a different mechanic from the guy who told me my air conditioner was just fine. I didn't believe I needed that new battery, but I had it put in anyway because I didn't want the guy to think I was calling him a liar. I don't trust the parts guy either because I ordered two wheel covers and one of them doesn't fit. I have no idea why the other wheel covers disappeared, but I suspect jealous neighbors removed them. What they have to be jealous about I haven't figured out yet, although I do have impressive ears. Anyway, one wheel cover is sticking out and if I hit a bump that one might just vanish too.
I don't trust Pringles Potato Chips because their sneaky ad for $1 off states in tiny letters that you have to buy four cans. I would consider it, but only if it was the fat free choice, which is always sold out. I might even consider multi-grain chips or ranch chips or spicy chips, but I will NOT buy four cans of pizza flavored chips. I am health conscious after all.
I don't trust these tv reports of excessive flooding. Who's to say if these videos aren't ten years old? Obama sends in money, the town and news crew split it. Is that inconceivable in this age of scams? I'm not sure I trust you, reader, who may be fully capable of stealing my paranoia and claiming it for your own. I'll stop here because I'm getting a Pringles craving.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Aftermath
I ventured outside this afternoon to get my newspapers and have lunch. The rain had stopped, but wind gusts blew me into a fence. A stocky woman wearing a Jets cap used her upper body strength to yank me away and to safety inside a Dunkin Donuts. As a thank you, I got her one donut. I had earned a free one by filling out a survey online, using my receipt from a previous visit. Actually it was someone else's receipt they left on the counter, which happens a lot. I've gotten three free donuts using other people's receipts. This is one way to defeat unbridled capitalism.
Then I went for my power exercise walk down Bergenline Avenue. Flooding caused much of it to be blocked off by police vehicles as DPW workers cleaned out sewer grates. A small group of onlookers watched, as the usual Sunday soccer match took place across the street. Suddenly, out of the water, two large claws burst through and grabbed the DPW guy's legs and tried to pull him down into a netherworld. Immediately police and those watching sprang into action, pulling at the man's arms as others, including the woman who saved me, pummeled the beast beneath the surface until it finally let go. I have a bad back, so my role was that of consultant, suggesting the best grip to save the man.
I continued my walk, buffeted by gusts, but determined to finish. Storefronts were boarded up with plywood. Several, however, substituted employees taped to front windows. This is a tough economy and I guess people do what they have to to keep their jobs. They were drenched of course and I asked one if I could untape him. He told me not until after 3pm-that was their bosses instructions. I couldn't wait around and regretfully departed. I stopped a moment to watch some boys playing basketball in the park near the soccer field. At one point the ball actually flew in the wind all the way to a huge rain-created pond. One boy took off his sneakers and socks, rolled up his pants and waded in after it. I don't have to tell you what happened next, but I will. The claws came up and grabbed his legs, pulling him down. I looked away, horrified. A cop ran past, complaining, "This means paperwork." I did not stick around for a resolution. I had more Dunkin free donut surveys to fill out.
Then I went for my power exercise walk down Bergenline Avenue. Flooding caused much of it to be blocked off by police vehicles as DPW workers cleaned out sewer grates. A small group of onlookers watched, as the usual Sunday soccer match took place across the street. Suddenly, out of the water, two large claws burst through and grabbed the DPW guy's legs and tried to pull him down into a netherworld. Immediately police and those watching sprang into action, pulling at the man's arms as others, including the woman who saved me, pummeled the beast beneath the surface until it finally let go. I have a bad back, so my role was that of consultant, suggesting the best grip to save the man.
I continued my walk, buffeted by gusts, but determined to finish. Storefronts were boarded up with plywood. Several, however, substituted employees taped to front windows. This is a tough economy and I guess people do what they have to to keep their jobs. They were drenched of course and I asked one if I could untape him. He told me not until after 3pm-that was their bosses instructions. I couldn't wait around and regretfully departed. I stopped a moment to watch some boys playing basketball in the park near the soccer field. At one point the ball actually flew in the wind all the way to a huge rain-created pond. One boy took off his sneakers and socks, rolled up his pants and waded in after it. I don't have to tell you what happened next, but I will. The claws came up and grabbed his legs, pulling him down. I looked away, horrified. A cop ran past, complaining, "This means paperwork." I did not stick around for a resolution. I had more Dunkin free donut surveys to fill out.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Evacuation
Last hurricane I got lucky. We draw scraps of paper to decide who will take which animals to safety. I work at the Essex County Zoo. Last time I drew the turtles. A slam dunk. Put them in a large cushioned box, placed it on the back seat of my car and took off for points west, away from the eye. Not this time. I drew seals and walruses. Great. How to transport them? Ideally, a vehicle carrying a pool on a flatbed. No such thing exists and if it did, the Bronx Zoo would get preference.
So I rented a school bus. There was no time to prevaricate. My assistant Morey worked his tail off herding these flopping beasts into that bus. You never heard such whining from a guy who's supposed to like animals. I'm no bus driver and that continuous honking was driving my nuts. None of them would stay in their seats. Morey had them toss a ball around, but we had to feed them fish every few minutes.
It figures I get lost looking for route 78 and we wind up in West Orange, where I immediately hit a pothole and blow out a tire. Now we have to unload them right on Main Street so I can replace the tire. Of course as soon as they slither out of the bus they take off in different directions. Morey throws up his arms in despair and heads for the nearest bar. Eventually police rounded them up, ticketed us for causing a disturbance and warned us to stay away in the future.
At some point we ran out of fish and fed them corn chips and sausage patties. Hey, food is food, right? We finally reached a lake out in west Jersey and let them out to swim awhile. The all clear came soon afterwards. The next day I was feeling darn good about things. All of the animals were safe. I kind of expected a bonus. I get a call to race over to the circular seals and walrus area. It wasn't pretty. They were projectile vomiting the corn chips and sausage at the crowd. Sensitive stomachs I guess. When the people saw me they surged in my direction, seething. "But we all love these creatures, don't we?" I exclaimed. A walrus honked in disdain. I was hit in the head with a fish, ran back to my office and locked the door.
Next time I'll beg for the Aardvarks. So efficient, so quiet, no baggage, no slime. Easy to hug.
So I rented a school bus. There was no time to prevaricate. My assistant Morey worked his tail off herding these flopping beasts into that bus. You never heard such whining from a guy who's supposed to like animals. I'm no bus driver and that continuous honking was driving my nuts. None of them would stay in their seats. Morey had them toss a ball around, but we had to feed them fish every few minutes.
It figures I get lost looking for route 78 and we wind up in West Orange, where I immediately hit a pothole and blow out a tire. Now we have to unload them right on Main Street so I can replace the tire. Of course as soon as they slither out of the bus they take off in different directions. Morey throws up his arms in despair and heads for the nearest bar. Eventually police rounded them up, ticketed us for causing a disturbance and warned us to stay away in the future.
At some point we ran out of fish and fed them corn chips and sausage patties. Hey, food is food, right? We finally reached a lake out in west Jersey and let them out to swim awhile. The all clear came soon afterwards. The next day I was feeling darn good about things. All of the animals were safe. I kind of expected a bonus. I get a call to race over to the circular seals and walrus area. It wasn't pretty. They were projectile vomiting the corn chips and sausage at the crowd. Sensitive stomachs I guess. When the people saw me they surged in my direction, seething. "But we all love these creatures, don't we?" I exclaimed. A walrus honked in disdain. I was hit in the head with a fish, ran back to my office and locked the door.
Next time I'll beg for the Aardvarks. So efficient, so quiet, no baggage, no slime. Easy to hug.
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