Dust

Dusting is possibly the dumbest activity imaginable. Twenty seconds after you've dusted, the dust just settles right back down again. Shaking a dust mop out the window is just as stupid. Half of it blows right back in and the rest waits until you open the window again to rush back in.
Dust was here long before mankind and will be here long after humans are extinct. It is an integral part of our natural habitat and we should respect that. Dust can be our friend if we let it.
Of course, if dust accumulates on certain body parts, that is a serious issue and should be addressed.

Tortoise

A giant tortoise thought to be extinct was found on a remote island. Scientists took it to some sort of animal preserve. Imagine this beast trying to fit in. Could it float? Would it sink a rock? Is it horny?
What would be its come on lines to a normal sized turtle? Come here often? The sun glinting off your shell is lovely. Who does your nails? Not blinking is so sexy. You smell like the sea. Ever done it with a frog? How about a threesome?
Maybe this giant just wants to nap.
Somewhere, a walrus with lust in its eyes, one who feels age is just a number, will make its move.

Mimes

Amalgamated Mimes Inc. held a aconference. No one spoke. Nothing was accomplished.
Largebowls of olives dotted the table. Soon, the mimes were swallowing olives and spitting pits at each other as a form of communication.
Observers assumed the pits were a symbol.
Two hours later, the entire room was covered in pits.
Ten minutes after they left, a writers group entered for their meeting. Most were angry and disgusted at the mess. Some wanted to beat the mines with bamboo sticks. Cooler heads prevailed. Joe saw apotential blockbuster. Silence of the Pits. In the movie, Joe Pesci would play head pit.

Juggler

Lou's juggling career was going down the tubes. His bookings had fallen off since the day he was juggling kittens at a kid's birthday party and somehow missed connections. The kitten eventually regained consciousness, but not before the kids were traumatized.
Now he sat in a coffee shop and stared at his egg in a mug. It hit him. He would juggle food. Not the usual apples and oranges, but dangerous food and plants. Cactus, artichokes, pineapples, food and plants that might leave him cut and bloodied.
He would wear a white suit that accentuated blood stains and perform in middle schools. Kids, food, blood. That's the answer. Lou bent and kissed his egg in a mug as his waitress passed. It's not what you think, he said. I thought that was sexy, she answered and smiled. Lou saw an opening and began juggling the salt and pepper shakers. The excitement in her eyes was proof. He would get lucky tonight.

You First

Sophie and Steve, age twelve, faced each other. You first, Steve said. She sighed, reached down and removed a sneaker. Steve did the same. She removed a ribbon from her hair. That doesn't count, he said. I say it does, she replied.
He frowned and removed his belt. Sophie removed one sock. So did Steve. She took off a bracelet, making Steve angry. At this rate we'll never get naked, he complained. Lower your voice, she whispered. We're supposed to be doing homework.
Steve grunted and removed both his t-shirt and undershirt. I haven't seen your other foot, she said. It's the same as the first one, he hissed. Don't hiss at me, she hissed.
Take something off, he ordered. Wait, she said, what is that on your chest? A wart, he answered. Disgusting, she whined. Like you're perfect, Sophie? That is an ingrown toenail. What else are you hiding?
Whose idea was this? she asked. Both of us decided. Well, Steve, I changed my mind. You can't do that. A girl can change her mind.
Steve paced, thinking. Can I just have a peek? Sophie considered this. Only if I get a peek at yours.
So they each peeked at the others. They screeched, DISGUSTING!
Everything all right up there, Sophie's mom called.

Complexity

 I am sick of strangers trying to find out more about me. Stop the solicitations. Where I get my spiffy wardrobe is my business. Probing questions will get you nowhere. I value privacy. Being mysterious is next to godliness.
I have layers and layers of complexity. I go deep. Even if you got me drunk you will get nothing out of me. If you really knew me you might regret it. Mind your own business. More knowledge means more responsibility. Right now, your only responsibility to me is to make sure I get my medication and have a good supply of adult diapers on hand.
That is all you need to know.

Spots

People told me a spot on my kitchen cabinet meant new cabinets. Nonsense, I thought. I grabbed my $1.99 all purpose cleaner and a couple of sprays later the spot was history.
I'm good dealing with spots. Walls, ceilings, furniture, floor, I'm all over anything spotty. Stains on clothing are a separate issue. My nemesis. Bleach helps minimally. I scrub and scrub to no avail. If somene points to my stain, I tell them I put it there purposely. A fashion statement.
At the Botanical Gardens I use an extension tube on my spray can to eliminate spots from turtle shells. Not to mention spots on flowers that annoy me.
When I see a bald man I have to determine whether the spots are freckles or dirt. Most times I attack with the spray. Usually I'm right. I've only been arrested five times for miscalculating. This is how I met my friend Carl. We sprayed each other's skulls, wiped them down, then went for coffee.

Road Trip

Dr. Feinman, gastroenterologist, Lost his office after a developer bought the building. Desperate, he approached people in the street, asking if they might want a colonoscopy in their own home. That strategy failed. He then used all his savings to buy a camper, which would serve as home and office.
He took route 80 West and his first stop was Paterson. On the side of his camper were the words, Your Colon is My Business.
When he returned from lunch, he found an angry crowd surrounding his camper, accusing him of perversion. Somehow, he pulled out his medical license and explained he was offering $49.99 colonoscopies with anesthesia. Suddenly, people tried to force their way to the front of the line. That was a small price to pay for being unconscious for any length of time in Paterson.

Elephant in the Room

Bernice, President of The Friends of the Library, called for attention. We must address the elephant in the room. Who will be sacrificed to the budget council so the library can avoid a cut in funds, which would result in librarians being laid off, fewer book acquisitions, and clogged toilets. As always, we will hold a secret ballot to determine which of us will be the human sacrifice.
In the corner, seated alone, was an elderly man called Flash Fiction Joe. He said little. There were rumors he had cooties. As you might expect, he was selected as the sacrifice. When notified, he didn't change expression. He knew his work would live on long after his demise.
He also knew he had two months to lose ten pounds. It might be a naked sacrifice and he wished to die with a flat stomach.

Cheese Loyalty

For many years I was loyal to American cheese, both white and yellow. Oh, at times I cheated with Swiss or provolone. Guilt drove me back to American.
Then one day at the supermarket, I was feeling restless and bored with myself. I decided to break out of my comfort zone. I grabbed a pack of pepper jack cheese.
It took several days for me to get up enough courage to make a sandwich using that type. I still had one slice of American left and considered throwing it on top of the other. But that would be cowardice. I was ready for new vistas.
Without mustard, I lay three slices onto 12 grain bread. I stared at it. No sandwich spread. I wanted to experience the full flavor. I took a bite and the rest is history.
I simply cannot go back to American. I mean, have you TASTED pepper jack?

Velvet Rope

Sol and Joe saw it in the papers. A celebritory event being held for Robert Goldstein, the write who they helped in their writing group. His memoir, Big Tony and Me, was selling millions. The two men felt they should attend and congratulate him.
When they got there, they found a security guard at the restaurant would not let them into the VIP section, which was roped off. All sorts of celebrities paraded past them. They tried to get his attention, but he was busy being hugged by Charlize Theron.
At one point, Goldstein had to use the facilities. As he approached the rope, Sol and Joe greeted him warmly. He squinted and shook his head. Never saw these guys in my life, he lied to the security person. He then brushed past them.
Sol and Joe were asked to leave, which they did. They walked away, mumbling curses. We were there at the beginning, Sol said. Joe sighed and nodded. At least we got to smell Charlize.

The Watchman

Ernie's job was to make sure the lobsters didn't escape from the tank. He had to keep a sharp eye. Oh, they were sneaky. They would climb atop each other until the top one could climb over the edge. On several occasions Ernie had to chase after them as they sought escape.
Sometimes he tried to make eye contact. He would dance and sing for them, showing compassion. But he was warned not to get too close to any of them. The next day another shipment would replace the previous lobsters.
He had been a watchman for soft shell crabs, who were surprisingly social. He gave them hand signals and they responded by flipping over onto their backs.
There were rumors he might be placed on snail duty. Ernie dreaded the possibility. Snail were aloof. They won't make eye contact. He thinks they actually have an inferiority complex.

Homecoming

The astronauts returned to Earth after decades in space and were greeted as heroes. After the celebrations were over, the head of NASA ordered them to his office.
I must inform you of certain changes while you were gone to ease your adaptation into society. They were all ears.
The Cubs won a World Series. The Red Sox won four.
A family called Kardasian made millions in something called reality TV.
Bruce Jenner is now a woman.
Bill Cosby is in jail. Harvey Weinstein is headed there.
Rith Bader Ginzberg is a rock star.
Coffee machines are worshipped.
There are now free range chickens.
Cameras and movies don't use film.
Frank Sinatra and Elizabeth Taylor are dead.
Netflicks, Amazon, driverless cars, and bots are taking over.
Laptops have replaced friendship. Unions are gone.
Donald Trump is President.
Millions of bees have vanished. People blame Trump.
Silence.
Can I have some water, someone said.

Twitches

Bill's serious head twtich cost him women, friends and jobs, He desperately needed help. While browsing Amazon's self help books, he came across a writer with a long list of books with strange titles. The author photo on the back mesmerized him. It seemed to say, but my book and your twitches vanish.
So he ordered one. When it came, he ripped off the package and began reading. Within seconds his twitching stopped. He leaped in joy. He dicided to attend the Easter parade in NYC. On the subway, he continued reading.
The other riders saw the writer's photo on the back and began twitching as one. Bill noticed this when he reached his stop. Buy the book, he shouted. It will heal you. As soon as he left, all twitching stopped.
Great literature can be magical, but also contain evil in every paragraph.

Shake It Up

Things are stagnant, Marion told her husband, Eddie.Why, he said. I feel like we're in a rut, she replied. We've become predictable. Let's make love right here in the kitchen on the floor.
Now? I'm reading the paper.
Get up and drop trou, fella.
She lay on the kitchen floor and pullred up her dress. And do not channel Dick Cheney.
But that's my go to seducer. That means you can't do Sandra Bullock.
I'm going to be Amy Schumer.
I can't perform if you're her. I need Scarlett Johansson.
I'll do her, but you must come up with someone special.
Eddie mounted her, knowing the pressure was on. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
Alright, alright, alright, he repeated in a drawl.
Oh, Eddie. You did Mathew. If only you had beard stubble.