Jammed Printer

After Ben filled out an online survey for CVS, he was entitled to a $10 coupon. He clicked on the link and waited for the printout in the next room. A gargling, whining sound came from his printer. The paper was jammed. The coupon was stuck. He tried yanking it out, but only tore it worse.
Needing help, he went across the hall and knocked on muscular Hank's door. Hank opened it wearing a blue caftan and ballet slippers. Music from The Nutcracker played in the back round. He readily agreed to help his friend. Ben asked no questions.
The paper seemed to sneer at them. Just try getting me out, you wonkers/ Hank took his index finger and thumb and pulled. Suddenly the printer engaged, spewing out the sheet, causing Hank to fall backward and hit his head on the floor. He was knocked unconscious. Ben immediately feared being sued. Quickly, he formed a plan. He would dsrag Hank back to his apartment and hope he woke up not remembering anything.
Halfway there, Mrs. Welch opened her door and emerged with her Yorkie. She took one look, shook her head and whispered, I am not judgmental, but you two have to be more discreet.
Ben reprinted the coupon and used the $10 to buy two packs of dental floss. In case he ran short.

Swag Lamp

Wilma wanted the Larry King Swag Lamp, the last one in the store. Hugo thought it was ugly. Especially the garish yellow liver spot covered shade. Wilma threatened to withhold sex. Hugo weighed that against the $85 tag. He ponted to a Bill O'Reilly end table, on sale for $40. Wilma called him a sexist pig.
Hugo was on a tight budget. His job as laundry lint collector had been downsized after Amazon entered the business and caused outlets to close.
Megan Kelly ash trays were $150--evidently she was the next big thing in TV news. Hugo proposed a deal--the swag lamp for her if she let him get the Anderson Cooper cuff links, seemingly a good investment, unlike the Rachel Madow edible underwear, already on closeout sale.
Both went home happy and a marriage survived another day.

Meet Me Halfway

I just want my new printer to meet me halfway. My old printer moans and gurgles when I press Print. I pull out the wire, twist the laptop, yank out the plug to no avail. I speak to it and remind it how well we used to work together. Silence. The ink is innocent--it's the machinery.
A Geek Squad guy tells me either the USB ports are worn out or there is a short on the mother drive. For a moment I thought he was talking about me.
I bought a new wireless printer and a new laptop. Now I get  message that the laptop is not recognizing the printer. Christ, I set it up right next to it. Do I have to introduce them?
I feel impotent. I'm just a writer trying to keep up with technology, which refuses to meet me halfway.

Silent

He remains silent and expressionless. Never smiles or coughs or clears his throat. Immaculately dressed. Hair combed. If he feels deeply about anything he doesn't show it.
One senses that with the same hand he uses to compose poetry, he could strangle a stranger.
He could be a government operative or a trained assassin. All of us sense we'd better not upset him.
I think his father fears him.
God, I wish he would blink.

Thrown to the Wolves

Juanita sacrificed everything for her job. She must have made 5000 omelets for customers. She was always on time and never argued with customers, boss or co workers. She was respected.
One fateful day, as she was preparing a special omelet for a frequent patron, Juanita had the sudden urge to sneeze. It blew out so fast she couldn't look away. Globs of saliva landed on her creation. She fearfully looked around. No one witnessed it.
Going against all her principles, she served it anyway. Except there was a witness--Ritchie, the custodian who lusted after her and was rejected many times. This was his chance for revenge.
No sense going into details. She was summarily fired, thrown to the wolves. She wandered the streets, knowing not what her fate would be. Who would hire her?
One man saw her sobbing and asked what was wrong. She told him the whole story. This compassionate fellow was a flash fiction author of some fame and he took her in and made her his proof reader.
Juanita loves her new life. She even tucks him in at night.

Trump's First Kiss

There are first kisses and there s MY first kiss. I have a world class tongue. A tongue from heaven. I can do AMAZING things with my tongue. Look at these lips. Soft and full and tender. I say this in all honesty--my first kiss was HUUUGE! Earth shattering, thunder cloud of bliss. It went on and on. Huge. Fire and fury. The girl almost fainted.
Spit? Gobs of spit, high quality, top of the line spit. You wish you had my spit, believe me. I carressed her shoulders with these very hands. Big and soft, just like my amazing lips.
That was one lucky girl. Believe it. Not fake news.

David

I just purchased Michelangelo's statue of David on E-bay, all 17000 pounds of it. The seller swears it's the original and who am I to cast doubt? I got a good price, but forgot to factor in UPS delivery cost. I'm going to install it in front of the Hudson County Sewerage Authority building so all can enjoy it. I am truly a man of the people. I may rename it Dave.
Amazing what you can buy online. I bought 70 slightly used vowels for when I play Scrabble. I'm thinking of posting some of my best irony, used only once, just to see what people will bid.

Talking to Cops

I try never to talk to cops unless I'm lost or beaten up.The other day I got lost because road construction blocked my normal path to my breakfast cafe. I stupidly returned to the road I was on and got off at the next exit. I should have just followed the detour signs.
I drove and drove, imagining running out of gas in northwest New Jersey with no food or water and no one stopping to help. I would have to write a farewell letter for folks to find. Who would read my eulogy? I was stunned to realize either my friends were not really my friends or were too long winded and would put the church to sleep.
Luckily I came upon flashing lights. More construction, a cop nearby. I rolled down my passenger side window and asked for the town I was traveling to. He leaned his burly self down, peered in and told me I was headed in the right direction. I thanked him and drove on.
I'm sure he took my license plate down. I do look suspicious in certain light.