Diseased Halloween Parade

I went to a diseased Halloween Parade today in Hoboken. Why did it fall apart? Simple. candy. Kids began walking down Washington Street with their parents and all was fine. Great costumes, lots of excitement.
Soon, however, things fell apart. Tykes dragged their parents off the street onto the sidewalk because that's where the businesses with candy were.
Why did Willie Sutton rob banks? That's where the money was.
There developed holes in the parade, spaces where no one was marching. Police did nothing as the whole thing disintegrated into greed.
There was a costume contest on a soccer field at the end. Maybe half the participants showed up. I didn't stay for the results.
This happens every year. What can you do? If I were a kid I'd detour the same way.
FYI--If you're observant and quick, you can swipe candy from their baskets and pails in the sidewalk crunch. One year I nailed three Reese's Peanuts, the Holy Grail of candy. I'm saving them dental issues going forward. My conscience is almost clear.

Apologies

I have lusted after Angela Lansbury, Ruth Gordon, Betty White, Cloris Leachman
I want to spank Miley Cyrus, Jesse Eisenberg, Helen Mirren, John Goodman
I fantacize about Alfred Hitchcock, the Coen Brothers, Ida Lupino, Lou Costello
I have impure thoughts about Don Cheedle, Dom DeLuise, Dame Judy Dench, Lili Tomlin

So sorry
Deeply embarrassed
I sincerely apologize
I'm so ashamed
 No excuse
This isn't me
 Totally inappropriate
 Please forgive
I'll get help

I was DRUNK, Damn it!

Icy Stare

Examples of giving or getting an icy stare

Forget to wipe down equipment at the gym
Nose itch causes me to rub it on sleeve
Old slow moving people while I hold door
On a cell while getting checked out at market
Slurping anything, even gravy
Changing seats on a bus for no reason
A fascination with Jimmy Buffet
Switching my inserts into new sneakers at Foot Locker
Squatting to lift a newspaper
When I rattle my Mentos gum pellet container
Borrowing  quarter for the meter more than once a year
When I make a face as you order from the menu
Anyone proudly displaying their coupons
If I regale anyone with tales of six years in the Reserves
A question like 'Have you always had thick ankles?"
When I practice my icy stare in the mirror in public rest rooms
Power walking with tiny hand weights
Counting to myself to pass the time
One long hair on my chin

Favorite Halloween Costume

By Billy Winters, age 6
Miss Dotson's class

My bewt favorite Halloween costume ever was last year when I was five and dressed up as a Praying Mantis and scared all the icky girls on my block and really scared Mr. DeSoto who hates kids and fell over when he opened the door and saw my big eyeballs and I yelled Trick or Treat and they said he had a heart attack and was put in an ambulance and taken to the hospital and the other kids yelled WOW!
He came home three days later and looked really bad and I want to say I'm sorry but I'm afraid to go over there because he hated kids before and now he really hates kids even if he doesn't know I'm the same kid who scared him, but he might and then invite me in and give me poisoned tomato juice which I really hate but mom says is good for me.
The End.

Flunking Out

Ben loved Greta who was amazing with a yo yo. Her tricks brought crowds and traffic tie ups. God, she was talented and lovely. Ben could hardly work a tweezers.
She was polite but distant to him. Hans, with his card tricks, had the inside lane on being her guy. Sometimes they teamed up in the park and performed.
Desperate, Ben found a yo yo school in Jersey and signed up. He was awful. Several times he almost hit other students with it while attempting tricks. He broke strings. He complained of a sore wrist. He showed up drunk. Eventually, Oscar, Yo Yo King of Bloomfield, flunked him out.
Word got out about his failure. Greta kept her distance. His life was over.
Then one day a new student showed up--Suzie the Slinky Savage. Boy, could she manipulate that thing. It was like it obeyed her every command. Ben knew this was a skill he could master. His life had meaning again. He would draw his own crowds.

Salad Dressing

Manoosh opened his restaurant, Salad Heaven, and with all the emphasis on health and diet, he knew it would be a success. He was right initially, but then complaints rose about predictability and blandness in  the dressing.
One customer gave him a slip with a name--Jorge the Salad Whisperer. Call him and he will solve your problem. Manoosh surveyed the empty tables and did just that.
A day later Jorge arrived wearing a sarong. You have made the right decision, sir I will return you to solvency.
First he cleared the kitchen of all personal. Then boxes and boxes came. Jorge would not let the owner look inside.
Soon, Jorge's salads containing bits of meat that could have been chicken, drew a line of patrons around the block. The dressing was thick, pure and tasty. Manoosh was overjoyed. Until authorities came and arrested Jorge. Seems several fresh cadavers were missing and there was a sudden shortage of plasma. Jorge had pushed the salad envelope a bit too far.

After the Rain

My son and I stood by the river watching drowned frogs float by after the hurricane. Rafts containing soaked, homeless people rushed past, one after the other. DPW workers, librarians, crossing guards. Two women screaming. Is that mom, my son asked. Yes, it is, Rob.
What does all this mean, he asked. One of us will have to make the meatloaf, son. The other woman was my mother in law. I suppressed a smile.
What will happen to them, dad?
They will go over the falls, crash into rocks and be broken into pieces, son. He wiped away a tear just as another raft carrying pizza guys wearing aprons blasted past to certain death.
Is there a God, the boy asked.
God is everywhere. I will take you to the dog park and let you watch old arthritic dogs still try to lick their own balls. That is evidence of God.
What will our government do?
Drop supplies from a helicopter and make speeches. Look at the bright side. More parking spaces for the survivors.
Then my son and I sang The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow from Annie.
He was off key. I was perfect.

Word Scammed

A guy whispers he's got a great deal for me. He leads me into an alley and opens a box. Inside are slips of paper, each with a long word. He pats my shoulder. These are words that will boost your vocabulary and impress everyone. You will sound brilliant. Women will want to sleep with you. Believe me, I've used them to get  their digits. Choose one.
I hesitated, then took a slip. The word was excoriate. I shivered with excitement, repeated it several times. I was hooked.
I bought the whole box for $40. Got it home and began memorizing each word. I loved how each sounded coming out of my mouth.
It was when I went to the dictionary to look up their meaning that I discovered I had been scammed. None of these words--most of them anyway--actually existed. Meaningless gibberish. I cursed my stupidity.
I needed a plan. Just then I heard my mailbox close. I ran to the door and called to Willie, my mailman. Willie! Wait up. Have I got a deal for you.

No Threat

I'm always ready with a comeback for a threatening situation. I use guys like you for refrigerator magnets. Which arm won't you been needing?
I see you have too many teeth and wish to lose some.
Let's hug it out. (That's if the others fail.)
Aging turns you into a non threat, especially if you walk slow with a stoop, which I do around cops. At the gym, I am invisible, no competition for the bodybuilders.Woman don't give you a second glance.
The only place I'm a threat is in writers' critique groups, where I take apart submissions, bring tears. You do what you have to for power.
The best way to avoid threats is to stay home. Just like the North Koreans.
Our President loves threatening. He keeps things interesting.

Things That Confuse Teens

Curfews
Jeans without holes
Opera
Stop signs
Adult diapers
Men with back hair
Food without condiments
VHS tapes
Alarm clocks
Ballroom Dancing
John McCain
Dial Tones
Email
Crock Pots
Dust on Furniture
Boom Boxes
Polaroids
Scrooge McDuck
File cabinets
Plan B

Sand Castle Blues

This is not working. Kids are laughing at my lopsided sand castle. The design lacks something. The turrets are a joke. I must rethink this. All this sand and no ideas.
Finally I decide on a replica of The Hague. Ten miuntes later, some kid says it looks like a bald guy. I explain the importance of this building. He shakes his head and says nothing is more important than Disney World. I am furious and toss sand at him. He retaliates and a little tike is collateral damage. Sand in the eye.
Adults converge on me. carry me to a hole and dump me inside. Pile sand up to my chin. I scream. A lifeguard comes over and calls for help. The Beach Patrol vehicle almost runs me over. I am given a warning for disturbing the peace. It is on a piece of paper stuck in my mouth. They leave.
I have lost faith in God.

Alone in a Crowd

Crowded place. Grab corner table. Look around. Recognize no one. Waitress flies past. Loud talking and laughing. Open my book. Try to read. Eventually place my usual order of oatmeal. One guy alone against the wall immersed in his laptop. No eye contact.
How do they find so much to talk about?
I scribble topics in a notebook in case someone wants to talk to me. This is still better than eating at home with just the radio. My cell buzzes. Yes, this is he. No. I do not want to change my AT&T plan. Sorry.
My food arrives. I chew slowly, pretend to read while I'm watching the door in case someone I know enters.
It might happen.