Between Us

Just between us...
I peek into public bathroom stalls to make sure the previous occupant flushed.
I'm wearing black fishnet stockings right now.
I never watched Mr. Rogers and fear those who did.
Every time I eat out little kids come up to me and stare until their parents call them back.
I use way too much shampoo for the amount of hair I have.
I lust after women in yoga pants.
I have a sensory alert system that detects when someone will pass wind.
I use people with blank expressions as inspiration to feel good about myself.
I am afraid of unicyclists and carnival music.
I fear animal trainers dressed in cache.
I also fear pauses in conversation, which is when I remove my shirt to get things started again.

SWitched at Birth

Sometimes I think I was switched at birth. None of my brothers understand my sense of humor. I honestly think Bob Newhart was my father.
I wonder if nurses secretly check out ugly parents and match up ugly babies with them. Who would know?
Where did Obama really come from? Was his mom white? What about invitro fertilization? How does that fit into this discussion?
I'd enjoy hearing  a
duet between Pavarotti and Ernesto Invitro, the great Spanish tenor.
Call me a lot of things, but do not call me shallow.

Woke

I have more than one thing on my mind. I am interested in a woman's history, thoughts, choices, philosophy. I am a good listener and ask questions. I want to know what makes her laugh. I almost never notice cleavage.
I am mature, respectful, sensitive. I just wish women would appreciate all these qualities and cease undressing me with their eyes.
There is more to life than making money. My books are not selling much. But I'm content publishing for future generations to salivate over and cellebrate my work and life.
Can I borrow a quarter for the meter?

Turquoise

The Chorde family loved that color. Their clothes, drapes, paint and car were turquoise. They dyed their dog that color. When a relative died, the casket was that color. Martin and Julia told their kids The Founding Fathers wore turquoise socks.
All was fine until the Catholic Church declared the color turquoise Satan's color. They abolished it from the churches and any Catholic who associated with it would be excommunicated.The Chordes consulted Father Ned, who pointed out no fruit, vegetables, fish or meat was purple. Not even pickles, cole slaw or mushrooms.
Look what happened to circuses, which employed the color without limit. Gone, all of them bankrupt.
Martin and Julia considered creating a gas leak and ending it through carbon doxide. But suicide is against the Church, she reminded him.
But, he said, if we go to hell, we'll be surrounded by turquoise!Yes!

Boy Scout

Larry lay awake in the tent, certain snakes were sliding in. Everyone else was asleep. He hated the Boy Scouts. Hated camping, hiking, merit badges, itchy uniforms, silly caps. His parents forced him to join. All he wanted to do was play pool and win bets.
Too warm, he climed out of his sleeping bag and went outside. He decided to pee in the bushes, wild life be damned.
That is where he found fellow scout Elmer, who also hated this situation. I want to go home , he sobbed. They kept each other company until dawn and fell asleep. Scoutmaster Willis searched all over for them next morning in vain. Police were called in.
All they found out of the ordinary was the largest garter snake they'd ever seen. Absolutely engorged. Weeks later, Larry's parents still believed he had run away to Portland or Seattle. Elmer's parents assumed he was eaten by wild ferrets. They moved on with their lives.

Final Warning

Bill got a final warning letter demanding he make friends. A three friend quota was required and he was remiss. The authorities were concerned about the populace focusing on tablets. Businesses were empty. So were parks and streets. Bill's neighbor, Joe, a writer, also got the letter. They decided to be each other's friend, meaning they only needed two more.
The barber, mailman, street cleaners, crossing guard all turned them down. So did  Mr. Mann, their old gym teacher.
There was a theater group in town. Actors could pretend to be their friend.
A woman answered the door at the theater. Looked them up and down. Will you be our friend, they asked. She smiled and invited them in.
I'll be your friend if you'll do something for me.
What would that be, they asked.
Come inside and I'll tell you. They hesitated and shrugged. Bad mistake.

Trimming the Fat

I needed to declutter and trim the fat from my life. Simplify things so I could have more time to write.
I informed six distant relatives I was dead to them. I unfriended 420 people. I only wash one armpit each day and do not shave under my chin to save time. My gym workout now consists of flexing my calves and stretching my neck. I tossed out my Futons for Dummies book and old photos of frat buddies holding wooden paddles.
I've cleaned out all my belly button lint. Extracting my butt crack lint is an ongoing process.
What's that? You'll never shake hands with me again? So be it. Writing comes first.

Furniture Sale

My neighbor saw the SOLD sign in front of my house and inquired if I was selling furniture. His was old and in bad shape. I let him in and he toured the place, making a list. As he calculated what he was willing to pay, I suggested we check the basement. I hit the light switch and we descended the stairs.

In the middle of the floor was a bare metal gurney with thick restraining straps hanging where the arms and legs would be. A power saw lay on a stool. On the wall hung cuffs, chains, whips, a ball gag, a blow torch, among other items. In the corner sat a gallon of bleach and a vat of acid.
I can give you everything here for $600, I said.
I turned and he was halfway up the stairs, screaming. But, of course, the entire area was sound proofed.

Hopscotch and Hula Hoops

Let me explain something. As a kid, while others were outside playing their stupid games, I was reading 19th century philosophers and thinking about the meaning of things. I did not come near a hula hoop until I was 32 and coming off a bad break up. It soothed my depression.
I did venture out and played hopscotch one time. First, I calculated the geometry, physics, wind condition, barometer, torque and other factors. Then I went out and destroyed those snotty ignoramuses, absolutely annihilated them.
The reason I had no friends growing up is jealousy. They resented my superiority.
Now, years later, I have 14 different medical conditions and stress like you wouldn't believe. I spent hours searching for a hula hoop, but no one stocks them. Maybe I should try to find a hug somewhere.

Downstairs

They asked me to come along. I was lonely, so I said yes. Five of us walking into the night to a small pub. We went downstairs in almost complete darkness. It smelled of fresh cold cuts. People sat around in a haze. Trance music played. I drank something and got dizzy.
The lights went up and I saw a small stage. One man was dressed as the Mad Hatter, another as the Cheshire Cat. A beautiful young woman came out dressed as Alice. She smiled and slowly removed her Mary Janes and knee length white stockings. A woman in a rabbit's costume approached her.
Things got really interesting. Let's just say this fairy tale had happy endings for all of us.

Coveted Membership

I wanted to belong to Narcoleptic International so bad. Twelve times I applied and was turned down. The qualifications were stringent. One must have proof one fell asleep on public transportation, in church, on the toilet, at the podium, showering, walking the dog, eating, having sex, beach combing, etc.
If you have recorded proof of snoring, that helps.
Finally, on my 13th try, I was accepted. I got the notice from Brussels. I was so excited, I had to pee. As you might expect, I dozed off in the middle. That's a downside of this condition.
Now I am going to try to get through this post without...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.