White Whale

Call me Ishmael.
That's a stupid first sentence, Mr. Kraven.
Give it a chance class. This is a classic.
But it's so long. My older sister says a white whale bites off some guy's leg and he goes bonkers.
Mr. Kraven, if he got that close, why wasn't he eaten?
Whales are black, not white. I wish they were yellow.
Only seals and walruses are black. Are they in this book?
My sister says there's lots of blood. I hate bloody stories.
Is there kissing? Does Ishmeal kiss anyone?
What about the shirtless guy with the harpoon? Does he kill the whale?
This guy Ahab--does he whip his crew? Does the whale eat the ship?
Calm down class. We haven't started yet.
Are there females in there like Wonder Woman?
Does anyone have tattoos?
What about sharks? I won't read it without sharks.
Does the whale eat the boat? Is that allowed?
Who is this Herman Melville? Does he have a reality show?
Is Ishmael cute?
Class, this is an adventure and a psychological study of a damaged, possibly insane man.
So does our President throw a harpoon?
I'm getting a headache, class.
But Mr. Kraven we haven't even started the book yet.

Investment Guru

Why am I here, Lenny?
You are my investment advisor.
I told you to buy shares in Tesla. Did you listen?
No. I saw a better opportunity.
Did you consult with me?
No. I was sure this would grow.
You lost your shirt.
That's one way of putting it. I crave the thrill of risk.
Tell me about this company.
Dallinger--Del Priore Dry Wit Inc. They sell dry wit globally. There's a need.
Most people do not get dry wit. They want dirty jokes and slapstick.
I also invested in Selinger Enterprises. They offer ballroom dancing and hair restoration.
Join my Fantasy Football League. There's a draft coming up.
You're gas lighting me.
No, that was dry wit.

Mind Games

My condo association has ordered everyone to have a numbered sticker on their back window. Supposedly it's due to parking restrictions. I think they are keeping tabs on us with a tracker in the sticker.
They did this in Ca. and created messages centering on Satan being the true redeemer. Billy Bob Thornton and Woody Harrelson supposedly fell for it, along with the Olsen twins and Faye Dunaway.
Gas lighting happens all around us. People have been dropping hints I may be unhinged.  One unfortunate trip to Great Adventure with those endless water slides and annoying, splashing kids. I told the judge it was self defense. My probation ends next month.

Baby Duty

Rolf's concept of child care at his facility revolved around responsibility. Babies under his care were required to roll over four times an hour. Pacifiers were to be secured inside the mouth. If they fell out that was three demerits. Babbling was strictly limited and no babbles could be repeated. Dribblinbg and chin drool meant another demerit.
Only three hiccups per child per day. No screaming unless being stuck by a safety pin. Absolutely no coughing without reason.Crawling should ensue at a designated time. Each child, at some point, is expected to change their own diaper. He does allow unlimited giggling. But reckless leg kicking and arm waving will not be tolerated. It wastes energy needed for eyeball rolling.

Killer Deal

The man at the writers exchange told me he had killer deals. I wanted to add to my collection of writers in my basement.
I had no particular preference as long as each one was unique. He brought me into a huge warehouse where dozens of people roamed around aimlessly, hoping for a home.
There's Mandy, he said, pointing t a middle-aged woman. She writes salty poems and naughty limericks. I nodded, impressed. Over there is Sam, who knows everything about writing, but is totally blocked. A good home might get him going again. I wasn't sure about him. I saw another guy who looked stoned. No, that's Frank, a paranormal writer. Very imaginative. Loves humus. Can do the hokey pokey. I shrugged. I asked about another fellow who was crawling around with his butt crack showing, drooling and cackling. That's Joe, the man said. If you want him you'll need a tetanus shot
I said give me him. I'll house train him. He writes flash fiction, the man said. I nodded. One of those..

Grand Union

After we scored the winning goal, we hugged each other on the field. When we tried to break up, we were stuck. No amount of pulling and twisting could loosen us. The refs and other team had already left. Parents tried to separate us unsuccessfully. We cried like babies. I had to pee. We tried walking backwards to the dressing room. Thunder and lightning suddenly struck. Rain pelted down. We staggered in the mud. Out of the trees a tall figure emerged. He raised his arms to the sky and spoke in a strange language. Fire erupted all around us.
We had beaten a Catholic school for the championship. God was not happy.