As a frog, Eubie had one problem: he couldn't hop. It was psychological. Nothing wrong with his legs. He just froze when it came time to move. While his peers flew past him, he took tiny steps. When questioned, he said he had hamstring problems.
Eubie was forced to move around a lot, evading questions and discovery. Luckily, he was adept with his tongue, snatching flies at 20 inches. He was depressed and frustrated, however.
Then one day another frog, Archie, a practical joker, gave him a hot foot and Eubie exploded off the lily pad all the way across the pond. Euphoric, he spent the day leaping from pad to pad. Alas, one such jump landed him in a sinkhole and he vanished.
The moral of this story is to accept ones limitations only after every option has been tried. Then just live your life with a croak and a rib-bit.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Unsung Heros
I have great respect for toenail collectors. They traverse entire neighborhoods, carrying burlap bags, providing a vital public service. Formed in 1963 after it became obvious no one wanted to recover their clipped toenails, Toenail Collectors Incorporated has provided continuous dedicated service. We know toenails dead over six months are a haven for bacteria, as well as a pollutant.
These public servants pore over every inch of one's home, rugs, carpets, bathmats, under furniture in the sink and bathtub, using gloves, collecting hundreds, placing them in those burlap satchels and moving onto the next house, refusing tips, unlike the lint collectors, who mix navel and butt lint and stare you down until you give them a fiver.
Where to store all these curled up, brown clippings? Off shore toenail dumping has been considered. So what if a few fish die consuming them. As long as the turtles aren't harmed. At some point though, someone is going to have to start clipping the turtles' nails. Let's leave that to the next Administration.
These public servants pore over every inch of one's home, rugs, carpets, bathmats, under furniture in the sink and bathtub, using gloves, collecting hundreds, placing them in those burlap satchels and moving onto the next house, refusing tips, unlike the lint collectors, who mix navel and butt lint and stare you down until you give them a fiver.
Where to store all these curled up, brown clippings? Off shore toenail dumping has been considered. So what if a few fish die consuming them. As long as the turtles aren't harmed. At some point though, someone is going to have to start clipping the turtles' nails. Let's leave that to the next Administration.
What the Cat Dragged In
Amber stumbled in, hair frazzled, face flushed, gasping, looking like something the cat dragged in. She had just come from a session with her personal trainer. It's always the same structure--stretching, breathing, focusing. Then comes the torture--one exercise after the other, each more intense, with Bushka, her trainer, screaming at her to step up the pace. Swing those kettle bells.
Pain is weakness leaving the body. Limited water breaks, no sobbing allowed. Fast music, heavy bass beat. There was no safe word that could end the agony. Worse than anything, Bushka kept up a stream of complaints about her boyfriend, family, back stabbing friends, not enough parking spaces and a spreading yeast infection she couldn't control.
Personal trainer nightmare. All so Amber could fit into stretch pants. Women.
Pain is weakness leaving the body. Limited water breaks, no sobbing allowed. Fast music, heavy bass beat. There was no safe word that could end the agony. Worse than anything, Bushka kept up a stream of complaints about her boyfriend, family, back stabbing friends, not enough parking spaces and a spreading yeast infection she couldn't control.
Personal trainer nightmare. All so Amber could fit into stretch pants. Women.
Friday, October 5, 2012
In Memory of Ann
Like all of her fans, I was nauseated watching Ann Curry sign off from her co-host job at the Today Show. Fighting back tears, she struggled to be gracious, while the barracuda replacement, whose name shall not be mentioned, waited in the wings. Let's call her Pepsodent Girl. Curry had 15 years of superb reporting, award winning stuff. She was the good soldier, watching while the network brought in Meredith It's All About Me Viera to take Katie Curic's place.
Because the ratings slipped a notch and Good Morning America crept ahead, panic ensued. The change was bad enough, but the awkward way it was handled made you cringe. Matt Lauer seems semi-comatose, Al Roker's bad puns multiply and Hoda and Kathy Lee are two bar flies swathed in makeup. So let's blame the only professional journalist on payroll. Wonderful.
I haven't watched the show since, except for the Olympics. I have to say Josh Elliot on GMA is getting on my nerves. I'm not going to call for Regis. That would be an easy solution. No, the person we need to see and hear early in the morning, the one guy who would start our day right is Larry King. Let's start a petition.
Because the ratings slipped a notch and Good Morning America crept ahead, panic ensued. The change was bad enough, but the awkward way it was handled made you cringe. Matt Lauer seems semi-comatose, Al Roker's bad puns multiply and Hoda and Kathy Lee are two bar flies swathed in makeup. So let's blame the only professional journalist on payroll. Wonderful.
I haven't watched the show since, except for the Olympics. I have to say Josh Elliot on GMA is getting on my nerves. I'm not going to call for Regis. That would be an easy solution. No, the person we need to see and hear early in the morning, the one guy who would start our day right is Larry King. Let's start a petition.
Electrocute
In his continuing quest to kill himself, David Blaine is now allowing himself to be electrocuted for three days, protected only by a special suit. One million volts fired at him, enough to light Anna Wintour's dressing room. He can't even scratch his face or risk horrible death. With my itchy mug I'd last about 30 seconds.
This man has created the highest profile stunts on the planet, yet he could walk down the street unrecognized. He's like the Olympics. Once it's over people go on with their lives.
He's doing this in NYC, where self electrocution might stimulate a shrug. He's tried to drown himself, I'm sure he's been stabbed and shot at and strangled, encased in ice, all televised. He's starved himself, gone without water, probably leaped from high altitudes using a cellophane parachute.
I'm trying to picture his Board of Directors sitting around trying to come up with new ways to thrill audiences without actually killing this guy off.
They should force him to remain in line at Motor Vehicles, or wait for an auto part to arrive at Firestone, or spend hours at a walk-in clinic waiting for an x-ray. Self mutilation would be a respite.
This man has created the highest profile stunts on the planet, yet he could walk down the street unrecognized. He's like the Olympics. Once it's over people go on with their lives.
He's doing this in NYC, where self electrocution might stimulate a shrug. He's tried to drown himself, I'm sure he's been stabbed and shot at and strangled, encased in ice, all televised. He's starved himself, gone without water, probably leaped from high altitudes using a cellophane parachute.
I'm trying to picture his Board of Directors sitting around trying to come up with new ways to thrill audiences without actually killing this guy off.
They should force him to remain in line at Motor Vehicles, or wait for an auto part to arrive at Firestone, or spend hours at a walk-in clinic waiting for an x-ray. Self mutilation would be a respite.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Joestock
I have decided to file a public offering for Joestock. I believe I have strong growth potential and would be an excellent investment for those dabbling in the market.
I write, paint and photograph. I keep myself in good shape, have a nice smile. I'm working on my handshake. People seem to like me. I have friends who will vouch for my potential.
I plan to widen my interests, travel more. I am certainly well read. Ask anyone. I'm constantly creating new goals, becoming a more complete person. I feel I am reaching my peak. I also create a fair amount of gas, which is a prime commodity.
You could do a lot worse than putting your faith in me. Dividend checks are almost guaranteed. My initial offering is a ridiculously low $22.99 a share. Get in on the ground floor and watch your investment grow. Speed dial your broker. Joestock will get you that summer house in Cape Cod. Trust me.
I write, paint and photograph. I keep myself in good shape, have a nice smile. I'm working on my handshake. People seem to like me. I have friends who will vouch for my potential.
I plan to widen my interests, travel more. I am certainly well read. Ask anyone. I'm constantly creating new goals, becoming a more complete person. I feel I am reaching my peak. I also create a fair amount of gas, which is a prime commodity.
You could do a lot worse than putting your faith in me. Dividend checks are almost guaranteed. My initial offering is a ridiculously low $22.99 a share. Get in on the ground floor and watch your investment grow. Speed dial your broker. Joestock will get you that summer house in Cape Cod. Trust me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Slippage
My transmission is slipping. I can feel it when I accelerate or decelerate, that rough hesitation. My car has over 72000 miles and I was about to have a transmission flush at Firestone, but the service guy told me that may worsen the problem. Tomorrow at 8am I have to take it to a transmission specialist. I am praying it's something that can be corrected without needing a new trans.
I estimate only .00003 percent of the population knows anything about this complex auto part. It puts us at the mercy of the specialists. I have to believe this man is honest. But this will still cost me money.
I need to create a way to generate income. Maybe I can be an extra in films. I look like a somewhat creepy innkeeper in the middle of nowhere. A young couple happens upon my place and decides to spend the night. One closeup of me, without any lines, should sell tickets. Or I could be a baffled tourist. A murmurer in court scenes after someone has been caught lying. Mostly, I can be an extra in movies where humans are actually aliens.
I wish I could bake and set up weekly bake sales. Would you trust any food I made?
I need my car more than I need my self respect. That's my point.
I estimate only .00003 percent of the population knows anything about this complex auto part. It puts us at the mercy of the specialists. I have to believe this man is honest. But this will still cost me money.
I need to create a way to generate income. Maybe I can be an extra in films. I look like a somewhat creepy innkeeper in the middle of nowhere. A young couple happens upon my place and decides to spend the night. One closeup of me, without any lines, should sell tickets. Or I could be a baffled tourist. A murmurer in court scenes after someone has been caught lying. Mostly, I can be an extra in movies where humans are actually aliens.
I wish I could bake and set up weekly bake sales. Would you trust any food I made?
I need my car more than I need my self respect. That's my point.
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