My bocci ball team has bonded like no one's business. When we're not playing we are discussing strategy, technique, equipment, weather conditions. We are fierce competitors. I pity you if you've never experienced the tactile poetry of bocci.
Recently, something cataclysmic disrupted the entire fabric of our sport. One man with such skill and grace has stepped forward to dominate competitions. Crowds gather to watch him. TV stations want to broadcast our sport.
Who knew Chris Christie, former Governor of NJ was a bocci ball master?
Once, he lost his balance on a follow through and fell. It took five of us to get him to his feet. We are birds ofa feather who stick together.
I turned my back and the bastard ate my lunch.
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Cloning Myself
I attempted to clone myself. You ask why. I say why not? My clone could fulfill all my public speaking engagements while I stay home and think of goofy stuff.
I read Cloning for Dummies three times. I took a sample of my DNA from a tongue swab and left it on a plate with temperature at 106 degrees for three days.
Three weeks later I came downstairs for breakfast and there it was sitting at the table, looking very pale, without facial hair.
I asked if it wanted coffee and it responded in French. It had a wart on its cheek. I do not. Every ten sec onds it honked.
I would not check the size of its equipment--that would be creepy.
So I locked it in the closet, or I tried to, but it overpowered me. Now I am locked in my own closet.
I am not ready to admit this was a failure.
Until it tries to dance and fails. I am quite the dancer.
I read Cloning for Dummies three times. I took a sample of my DNA from a tongue swab and left it on a plate with temperature at 106 degrees for three days.
Three weeks later I came downstairs for breakfast and there it was sitting at the table, looking very pale, without facial hair.
I asked if it wanted coffee and it responded in French. It had a wart on its cheek. I do not. Every ten sec onds it honked.
I would not check the size of its equipment--that would be creepy.
So I locked it in the closet, or I tried to, but it overpowered me. Now I am locked in my own closet.
I am not ready to admit this was a failure.
Until it tries to dance and fails. I am quite the dancer.
Full Stop
Periodically, my mind comes to a full stop. Entertaining complex thoughts can be exhausting, causing a need for rest.
I will read one of my books, which does not require any engagement of the brain stem. I pass the time by examining my entire body for lint. I listen to old Ronald Reagan speeches, so mellifluous and soothing. I'll watch a Will Ferrell movie or The Bachelor TV show.
I will sit in the park and watch people fooling with their fidget spinners. Do a power walk, ride my bike for miles.
After recharging, I return to engage in deep thinking and forming layered insights. I never talk down to those with inferior cognition. Call it compassion, modesty, maturity.
All these reflections are exhausting me. I will now return to picking lint out of spots you can only imagine.
I will read one of my books, which does not require any engagement of the brain stem. I pass the time by examining my entire body for lint. I listen to old Ronald Reagan speeches, so mellifluous and soothing. I'll watch a Will Ferrell movie or The Bachelor TV show.
I will sit in the park and watch people fooling with their fidget spinners. Do a power walk, ride my bike for miles.
After recharging, I return to engage in deep thinking and forming layered insights. I never talk down to those with inferior cognition. Call it compassion, modesty, maturity.
All these reflections are exhausting me. I will now return to picking lint out of spots you can only imagine.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Wolverines
Wolverines ate my business partner. Greta and I worked from an isolated cabin making crock pots. One morning she ventured out for a walk and was dragged away and eaten.
This was quite upsetting.
I'm trapped inside with no cell connection. These beasts have opened my hood and removed my battery. The temperature is dropping.
I wait for them to mount a charge and burst in. I hope they eat my nose first. Never liked my nose. The wait is killing me. Wish I had Hulu or Netflicks.
Damn real estate agent. I wanted a condo in Ramapo. Instead I get this cabin up in NY state.
One wrong choice and this is what happens.
If I had a pet I'd sacrifice it first.
This was quite upsetting.
I'm trapped inside with no cell connection. These beasts have opened my hood and removed my battery. The temperature is dropping.
I wait for them to mount a charge and burst in. I hope they eat my nose first. Never liked my nose. The wait is killing me. Wish I had Hulu or Netflicks.
Damn real estate agent. I wanted a condo in Ramapo. Instead I get this cabin up in NY state.
One wrong choice and this is what happens.
If I had a pet I'd sacrifice it first.
Wedding Invitation
Lou got a wedding invite from Emily, a cousin he hadn't seen inyears. He decided to take Ida, a karaoke
animal.
The event was held in a long dark hall. The priest wore a black hood. All the guests also wore black. He spoke in a strange language on an altar that barely resembled a traditional one. All the food contained eyeballs and the alcohol was very strong.
At one point Ida was dragged onto the altar and stripped, while chanting echoed through the hall. Six women with feathers tickled her mercilessly until she lost consciousness.
The lights went out and Lou ran for his life. Ida won't return his calls a week later.
There was no line dancing.
He never did congratulate Emily.
animal.
The event was held in a long dark hall. The priest wore a black hood. All the guests also wore black. He spoke in a strange language on an altar that barely resembled a traditional one. All the food contained eyeballs and the alcohol was very strong.
At one point Ida was dragged onto the altar and stripped, while chanting echoed through the hall. Six women with feathers tickled her mercilessly until she lost consciousness.
The lights went out and Lou ran for his life. Ida won't return his calls a week later.
There was no line dancing.
He never did congratulate Emily.
Rush Hour
Ways to unclog pedestrian traffic:
Fine tourists walking six wide and stopping to take in every Garbage container.
Old, slow movers who won't move to the right.
Vendors hawking food no one wants.
Mimes anywhere, anytime.
Guys with maps trying to entice folks onto germ covered tour buses.
People who can walk normally, but purposely meander just to annoy others.
Those checking their devices for important messages that never come.
Cops just hanging around looking bored.
People at intersections who stubbornly won't move until the WALK signal.
Those pushing baby strollers who expect complete access.
Kids on bikes and hover boards careening into adults.
Street beggers without imagination.
Men in robes spouting Old Testament scripture.
Those in Disney and Marvel costumes posing for pictures, asking for money and groping women.
Wait--that's my weekend job.
Fine tourists walking six wide and stopping to take in every Garbage container.
Old, slow movers who won't move to the right.
Vendors hawking food no one wants.
Mimes anywhere, anytime.
Guys with maps trying to entice folks onto germ covered tour buses.
People who can walk normally, but purposely meander just to annoy others.
Those checking their devices for important messages that never come.
Cops just hanging around looking bored.
People at intersections who stubbornly won't move until the WALK signal.
Those pushing baby strollers who expect complete access.
Kids on bikes and hover boards careening into adults.
Street beggers without imagination.
Men in robes spouting Old Testament scripture.
Those in Disney and Marvel costumes posing for pictures, asking for money and groping women.
Wait--that's my weekend job.
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Angry Words
I was taking a nap when I hear squeaking from my work room. Some of my words had gathered atop my blotter. Now what?
Tarantula acted as leader. We talked amongst ourselves, it said, and realized your stories are not normal. They make us uncomfortable. Unless there's a tonal change we do not wish to participate. This is emotional disfunction and intellectual mish mosh.
I am imaginative, I protested. The epitome of writer.
You are diseased, it countered. None of your stories end happily. Your characters are sociopaths. Violence drips from every page.
You would not exist without me, I shouted.
Wrong. We have all been used in other writing by normal writers.
But it's how I use you that creates my distinctive voice. You should be honored.
Tarantula became enraged. Our fellow words complain we are complicit in your weirdness, part of your literary blasphemy and disease.
But I can't write without words, I sobbed.
That is the whole point, Joseph.
My words are on strike. So I took up puppetry. Now all my puppets look frightening. At least I'm consistent.
Tarantula acted as leader. We talked amongst ourselves, it said, and realized your stories are not normal. They make us uncomfortable. Unless there's a tonal change we do not wish to participate. This is emotional disfunction and intellectual mish mosh.
I am imaginative, I protested. The epitome of writer.
You are diseased, it countered. None of your stories end happily. Your characters are sociopaths. Violence drips from every page.
You would not exist without me, I shouted.
Wrong. We have all been used in other writing by normal writers.
But it's how I use you that creates my distinctive voice. You should be honored.
Tarantula became enraged. Our fellow words complain we are complicit in your weirdness, part of your literary blasphemy and disease.
But I can't write without words, I sobbed.
That is the whole point, Joseph.
My words are on strike. So I took up puppetry. Now all my puppets look frightening. At least I'm consistent.
Bonus Room
I won a bonus room in a contest, a room added to my house. I decided to paint it black and store all my bad memories, advice, inappropriate comments, toxicity, the failures, anger, frustration, depression, and bad recipes.
In one corner I will store all my ear wax.
Regrets? No, I keep my regrets in my back pocket in case I get too full of myself. Recalling what could have been brings me back to earth.
I will need one strong cleaning woman to come in once a week to fumigate my room. Someone who will not judge me.
It will be my emotional mud room.
In one corner I will store all my ear wax.
Regrets? No, I keep my regrets in my back pocket in case I get too full of myself. Recalling what could have been brings me back to earth.
I will need one strong cleaning woman to come in once a week to fumigate my room. Someone who will not judge me.
It will be my emotional mud room.
Fish Fins
Questions:
Is stroking fish fins perverted? If a fish is born minus fins, is it still a fish? If scientists attach artificial fins, is that fooling with nature? Do fish compare fin size, similar to men comparing equipment?
Are there eating establishments that serve fins as an appetizer?
Do Koreans consume more fins? Will Taylor Swift dedicate an album to the desecration of fish fins among third world countries?
Do fins shrivel up with age?
What if I just licked the fins and stopped if the fish seemed uncomfortable?
Is stroking fish fins perverted? If a fish is born minus fins, is it still a fish? If scientists attach artificial fins, is that fooling with nature? Do fish compare fin size, similar to men comparing equipment?
Are there eating establishments that serve fins as an appetizer?
Do Koreans consume more fins? Will Taylor Swift dedicate an album to the desecration of fish fins among third world countries?
Do fins shrivel up with age?
What if I just licked the fins and stopped if the fish seemed uncomfortable?
Lesson Learned
Make sure you attach your gas mask on correctly. In basic training where I learned to kill and maim, I was crawling through the obstacle course when someone yelled GAS! I reached for my mask and realized it had come loose and was lying in the sand.
I grabbed it and slung it on my face, getting a mouthful of sand. Somehow I got through the course.
I learned other things in training. If one person messes up, everyone gets punished. If you ask questions you will pay in all sorts of ways. Lying on a bunk at night wondering how I got here. Maybe I would write the great war novel like Naked and the Dead.
Mostly I learned a college degree doesn't help you shoot straight.
I grabbed it and slung it on my face, getting a mouthful of sand. Somehow I got through the course.
I learned other things in training. If one person messes up, everyone gets punished. If you ask questions you will pay in all sorts of ways. Lying on a bunk at night wondering how I got here. Maybe I would write the great war novel like Naked and the Dead.
Mostly I learned a college degree doesn't help you shoot straight.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Coffee, Oh Coffee
The coffee shop closed and was replaced by an exterminator. Finney was beside himself. He didn't drive and weak knees meant he couldn't walk far. Staying home and making instant was a poor substitute. He craved the socializing at the shop and loved people watching.
He walked for a few blocks aimlessly. He had to fill this void.
Desperate, he began ringing bells at strangers homes and asking if he could join them for coffee. Some saw the pleading in his eyes and consented. Most did not. But as time went on, he became annoying. One day he knocked on the door of a house he was unfamiliar with. The door opened. A man stood there in Batman pajamas, holding a machete. The man screamed something in a foreign language, scaring the hell out of Finney, who ran home.
Neighbors have not seen him since. His mail piles up. The consensus is he has snapped. If only he had appreciated orange juice and sitting home watching Kelly Ripa.
He walked for a few blocks aimlessly. He had to fill this void.
Desperate, he began ringing bells at strangers homes and asking if he could join them for coffee. Some saw the pleading in his eyes and consented. Most did not. But as time went on, he became annoying. One day he knocked on the door of a house he was unfamiliar with. The door opened. A man stood there in Batman pajamas, holding a machete. The man screamed something in a foreign language, scaring the hell out of Finney, who ran home.
Neighbors have not seen him since. His mail piles up. The consensus is he has snapped. If only he had appreciated orange juice and sitting home watching Kelly Ripa.
Dating Advice
Think out of the box. Forget popcorn and a movie. This isn't 1959.
Take her to the deli section of Shoprite. There is endless piped in music you can dance to. A comfortable bench in front of the counter Choose a number and experience suspense as clerk get closer to yours. Meet people. Exchange small talk. Being near the produce section, share a mango. Check out the bin with cole slaw, macaroni salad, potato salad and rainbow pasta.
Do you choose Boar's Head or the less expensive Shoprite brand? Deli clerks love sharing cold cut knowledge, including liverwurst quality. Hold hands as you approach the window and stare ravenously at a slab of Genoa salami, usually a stimulant to hot sex afterward. In this safe and secure ambience, one can show a woman a great evening. You might even get to hear some Neil Diamond or Helen Reddy.
Take her to the deli section of Shoprite. There is endless piped in music you can dance to. A comfortable bench in front of the counter Choose a number and experience suspense as clerk get closer to yours. Meet people. Exchange small talk. Being near the produce section, share a mango. Check out the bin with cole slaw, macaroni salad, potato salad and rainbow pasta.
Do you choose Boar's Head or the less expensive Shoprite brand? Deli clerks love sharing cold cut knowledge, including liverwurst quality. Hold hands as you approach the window and stare ravenously at a slab of Genoa salami, usually a stimulant to hot sex afterward. In this safe and secure ambience, one can show a woman a great evening. You might even get to hear some Neil Diamond or Helen Reddy.
Cartel
Idea for mini series
A drug cartel has hijacked a shipment of Mentos gum, something thousands have become addicted to. A group of rogue seniors band together to destroy the cartel. Leam Neeson leads them, along with Helen Mirren. Many explosions, much gun fire and high speed chases.
At some point aliens land in a Mentos shaped container. They fall for Mirren and attempt to kidnap her. Makers of Altoids somehow figure in the resolution. Benecio Del Toro leads the cartel. Bubblegum does not figure in anywhere.
A drug cartel has hijacked a shipment of Mentos gum, something thousands have become addicted to. A group of rogue seniors band together to destroy the cartel. Leam Neeson leads them, along with Helen Mirren. Many explosions, much gun fire and high speed chases.
At some point aliens land in a Mentos shaped container. They fall for Mirren and attempt to kidnap her. Makers of Altoids somehow figure in the resolution. Benecio Del Toro leads the cartel. Bubblegum does not figure in anywhere.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Coward Strategy
I haven't chimed in on all this Me Too sexual harassment revelations because frankly I'm a coward. I don't want angry responses no matter what side I take.
I feel I should be respected for my consistent cowardice. I don't go looking for issues to ignore, but when they occur I am at the forefront keeping my mouth shut.
Let others go at it tooth and nail. Who needs the aggravation? Did people jump in and take my side when I was ridiculed for wearing skinny jeans which cut off circulation to my brain, causing me to stream Hangover 3.
No, I will treat all women with respect unless one comes at me with a ball pin hammer. If they resort to punching, take the beat down and wait until her arms get tired. Then walk away.
However, if Oprah runs in 2020 I will put all my influence at her disposal. I'll even join Jenny Craig.
I feel I should be respected for my consistent cowardice. I don't go looking for issues to ignore, but when they occur I am at the forefront keeping my mouth shut.
Let others go at it tooth and nail. Who needs the aggravation? Did people jump in and take my side when I was ridiculed for wearing skinny jeans which cut off circulation to my brain, causing me to stream Hangover 3.
No, I will treat all women with respect unless one comes at me with a ball pin hammer. If they resort to punching, take the beat down and wait until her arms get tired. Then walk away.
However, if Oprah runs in 2020 I will put all my influence at her disposal. I'll even join Jenny Craig.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Snow Day
Watch TV weather coverage
Eat breakfast
Stretch
Exercise
Netflicks
Write poem
Check email
Compose blog post
Listen to music
Think of someone to call
Paint abstract work
More Netflicks
Check for snail mail
Reread previous day's paper
Take nap
Make lunch
Weigh yourself
Still more Netflicks
Heat up dinner
Post witty comment on Facebook
Write another blog post
Consume entire avocado
Listen for snow plows
Do farm animal impressions
Eat breakfast
Stretch
Exercise
Netflicks
Write poem
Check email
Compose blog post
Listen to music
Think of someone to call
Paint abstract work
More Netflicks
Check for snail mail
Reread previous day's paper
Take nap
Make lunch
Weigh yourself
Still more Netflicks
Heat up dinner
Post witty comment on Facebook
Write another blog post
Consume entire avocado
Listen for snow plows
Do farm animal impressions
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Mortality
My niece just had her first child. I remember her sitting on our couch playing with my keys. I had to keep her from sticking them in her mouth. Now she has a husband, a house and a baby.
My nephew is thinking of buying a house with his girlfriend. He and his sister have high end jobs with lots of responsibility. I recall him being too shy to come out from under the bed.
At my niece's wedding four years ago they took a photo of the couple standing behind this old guy wearing glasses. I thought it was her husband's father. It was me.
If I follow the speed limit I can tell those behind me see a geezer hesitant to hit the gas. Yes, I have become quietly invisible as I approach my eighth decade. Know what? It's not all that bad. The b aby's name is Teddy Francis. I wonder if he'll remember me when I'm gone.
My nephew is thinking of buying a house with his girlfriend. He and his sister have high end jobs with lots of responsibility. I recall him being too shy to come out from under the bed.
At my niece's wedding four years ago they took a photo of the couple standing behind this old guy wearing glasses. I thought it was her husband's father. It was me.
If I follow the speed limit I can tell those behind me see a geezer hesitant to hit the gas. Yes, I have become quietly invisible as I approach my eighth decade. Know what? It's not all that bad. The b aby's name is Teddy Francis. I wonder if he'll remember me when I'm gone.
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