A free outdoor Hoboken concert was cut short because of a threat of rain. We moaned and refused to believe it, though clouds had gathered. I said goodbye to a couple of friends and headed to my car, parked about seven blocks away. On Washington Street sidewalks were full of people walking and dining at outdoor tables. Ridiculous the music was cut short.
I walked one block up to Sixth St., turned left as a few sprinkles fell. Within ten steps all hell broke loose. A torrent came down. I opened my umbrella and tried walking into a vicious wind. I made it two more blocks before finding shelter under the entrance to a closed business where I remained for a goood ten munites.
I did not panic. I recalled all I had been through in my life, including hair loss, and adopted a logical attitude. I am 175 pounds of rock hard muscle. No rain is going to cower me.
Eventually it slowed and I was able to get to my car and drive home. Yes, I was pretty wet and changed clothes. I could look myself in the mirror. In a possible crisis I had remained calm. Besides, my underwear was so wet, you couldn't tell if I'd peed myself.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Lip Service
Many pay lip service to creating an inclusive society. I must confess I am one of those people. But I am a hypocrite when it comes to insects sharing my condo. Kill lust overcomes me. I have cans of spray at the ready.
Last night while eating a cheese sandwich and sitting in my recliner, a fly invaded my personal space and almost landed on the bread. I took offense, though I know it was just being a fly. The inital spray stunned it and it wobbled around. A second shot almost put it out of commission. The third spray drowned it in white foam. Success.
Except, that shot landed on a copy of a short story I wrote, drenching it. I removed the fly with a paper towel and tossed it in the garbage.
Yes, I say all the right things about ecology, but I am nothing more than a cold blooded insect murderer. I had trouble sleeping last night. Dre amt something large was crawling on me.
Last night while eating a cheese sandwich and sitting in my recliner, a fly invaded my personal space and almost landed on the bread. I took offense, though I know it was just being a fly. The inital spray stunned it and it wobbled around. A second shot almost put it out of commission. The third spray drowned it in white foam. Success.
Except, that shot landed on a copy of a short story I wrote, drenching it. I removed the fly with a paper towel and tossed it in the garbage.
Yes, I say all the right things about ecology, but I am nothing more than a cold blooded insect murderer. I had trouble sleeping last night. Dre amt something large was crawling on me.
Man Scaping
My smartest investment was Mandingo Man Scaping, which devised a sensor to measure length, width and density of foliage around a man's weed wacker. Just press the on button, point it and let the action begin.
My next favorite investment was the Alec Baldwin doll. Bring it to gatherings where people were not familiar with each other and were reticent to speak. Hit the on button and listen to the doll blowviate on every conceivable topic. If it doesn't shut off, put it in the closet and wait for the battery to run down.
I also invested in a naked Polish OOmpah band, which didn't do so well. Other smart investments included rum flavored coconuts, miniature packets of Spam, cholcolate covered watermelon pits, artichoke hearts shaped like flowers, and a mime centered podcast.
What can I say? I have the knack of picking winners.
My next favorite investment was the Alec Baldwin doll. Bring it to gatherings where people were not familiar with each other and were reticent to speak. Hit the on button and listen to the doll blowviate on every conceivable topic. If it doesn't shut off, put it in the closet and wait for the battery to run down.
I also invested in a naked Polish OOmpah band, which didn't do so well. Other smart investments included rum flavored coconuts, miniature packets of Spam, cholcolate covered watermelon pits, artichoke hearts shaped like flowers, and a mime centered podcast.
What can I say? I have the knack of picking winners.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
RIP
Those who knew Joe before his sudden demise, offered comments after the funeral.
Bastard still owes me $20.
His fashion sense influenced the homeless.
He smelled funny.
He cheated at everything including his bowling score.
He forgot the punchline every single time.
I had three dates with him and still can't be certain he has a penis.
On Halloween he dressed as Colin Powell and ordered kids to salute him.
He tried to learn trombone, resulting in a citizen's arrest.
He went to nursing homes and performed magic before the residents locked him in a storage closet.
He believed all nuns were Soviet spies.
He was convinced toasters were demonized.
When he tried to learn signing, one deaf woman beat him senseless after he accidentally signed Want to see my hernia scar?
Bastard still owes me $20.
His fashion sense influenced the homeless.
He smelled funny.
He cheated at everything including his bowling score.
He forgot the punchline every single time.
I had three dates with him and still can't be certain he has a penis.
On Halloween he dressed as Colin Powell and ordered kids to salute him.
He tried to learn trombone, resulting in a citizen's arrest.
He went to nursing homes and performed magic before the residents locked him in a storage closet.
He believed all nuns were Soviet spies.
He was convinced toasters were demonized.
When he tried to learn signing, one deaf woman beat him senseless after he accidentally signed Want to see my hernia scar?
Monday, August 12, 2019
The Award
The final award to be given out went to Frank Asconi. He successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on Shaquille O'Neal, the 7'2, 350 pound former NBA star. Somehow he got his arms around the giant's waist and yanked repeatedly while Shaq choked.
Finally, the big man coughed up Paul Simon, who he mistook for an entree. Simon was shaken, but unhurt. Mr. Asconi in currently in intensive care, with two cracked ribs and dislocated shoulders. Simon, out of gratitude, sent Frank a signed copy of his new CD, Rymin' Simon Returns.
Shaq visited him in the hospital and leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. Frank sobbed, completely overcome.
Finally, the big man coughed up Paul Simon, who he mistook for an entree. Simon was shaken, but unhurt. Mr. Asconi in currently in intensive care, with two cracked ribs and dislocated shoulders. Simon, out of gratitude, sent Frank a signed copy of his new CD, Rymin' Simon Returns.
Shaq visited him in the hospital and leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. Frank sobbed, completely overcome.
Saturday, August 3, 2019
Searching for Sunday
I used to love having Sundays off when I worked. So many plans, so much out there for me to experience. The day flew by. Long drives with my camera.
But since my retirement things have changed. Now, every day is a Sunday. I got tired of moving around and getting involved. Now I use my free time to contemplate my life, to read, to isolate, to nap and not fret over missing something. Sometimes I just wander aimlessly.
Laundry is my excitement, especially the folding part. Also I spray kill lots of flies.
That's why I haven't returned your calls.
But since my retirement things have changed. Now, every day is a Sunday. I got tired of moving around and getting involved. Now I use my free time to contemplate my life, to read, to isolate, to nap and not fret over missing something. Sometimes I just wander aimlessly.
Laundry is my excitement, especially the folding part. Also I spray kill lots of flies.
That's why I haven't returned your calls.
Exotic Dancer
I am not closing the door on being a Chippandale dancer. Yes, my age works against me. No hair, big ears. No ripped abdominal muscles. A rather insignificant butt. A third chest nipple.
But this is a time of inclusion. A woman will play 007. Really old people running for office. Kids getting paid millions for acing video games.
So I have back brace. So I'll look like a disjointed robot. Women may like that vulnerability. I will wax my body hair. use moisturizer and work my tail off learning the moves. I need someone to practice stuffing bills into my waistband. I'll supply the bills.
But this is a time of inclusion. A woman will play 007. Really old people running for office. Kids getting paid millions for acing video games.
So I have back brace. So I'll look like a disjointed robot. Women may like that vulnerability. I will wax my body hair. use moisturizer and work my tail off learning the moves. I need someone to practice stuffing bills into my waistband. I'll supply the bills.
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