I just watched the entire two hours and 45 minutes of Transformers-Age of Extinction, and my brain is tapioca. How much destruction do you have to show to keep people's attention? How loud do the explsions have to be? Do you have to destroy entire cities?
I remember when they parted the sea in The Ten Commandments and we sat there mouths agape. I dread sitting through the new Terminator release or The Avengers Age of Ultron or San Andreas or a dozen others. Actual character development takes about five minutes. Witty one liners substitute for substantive dialogue.
I wanted to see Testament of Youth but it's already out of theaters.
I just watched a two hour documentary about the late B.B. King. Not a hint of special effects, not even an attempt to make Mick Jagger less scary. The only explosion came from the guitarist's fingers on the strings.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Limp
His leg is all twisted, causing a pronounced limp. He has trouble speaking. one or two mumbled words. Grunts. Mid-fifties, lanky, graying; no one knows what happened to him.
He goes to strip clubs. Confesses none of the women are interested. He writes short pieces, prose poems. Has no interest in our writing. Leaves early.
He seems infatuated with a married woman in our group who is too full of compassion to realize what is happening. This will not end well.
Many desperately lonely people out there limping through life.
He goes to strip clubs. Confesses none of the women are interested. He writes short pieces, prose poems. Has no interest in our writing. Leaves early.
He seems infatuated with a married woman in our group who is too full of compassion to realize what is happening. This will not end well.
Many desperately lonely people out there limping through life.
What She Tells Me
This is what she tells me. Someone is breaking into her condo and moving things around. There is no video because they are all in on it. Where ever she goes she is being recorded. It's not her cleaning woman. Cops, the super, strangers. Others.
I say nothing. I can't even nod. I give her my serious look so she doesn't get more upset.
I have no friends, she says.
The words hang helplessly above us.
I shrug, pick up the check and walk out, continuing with my life.
I say nothing. I can't even nod. I give her my serious look so she doesn't get more upset.
I have no friends, she says.
The words hang helplessly above us.
I shrug, pick up the check and walk out, continuing with my life.
Diagnosis
My doctor says I might die in my sleep because of apnea. I stop breathing up to 30 seconds. I almost drowned in my c-pap mask, so I am trying a dental device that opens the air passage. I am not getting enough oxygen at night, which may account for my behavior during the day.
My diabetes is not in tight control. My prostate is growing. So are my cataracts. I have lost some hearing and my right foot hurts.
I must walk two hours a day and take 10 different drugs. My body has become a Third World country.
My diabetes is not in tight control. My prostate is growing. So are my cataracts. I have lost some hearing and my right foot hurts.
I must walk two hours a day and take 10 different drugs. My body has become a Third World country.
Eight Toes
In my entire life I have come across only eight toes worth examining out of about 300000. Exposing certain body parts must be regulated. A neck conveys experience and character. Age lines and flab are unacceptable around the neck.
Liver spots on the hands are actually quite artistic. Warts are conversation pieces. Birth marks have a story. Even hickeys can be intellectualized. But elbow creases blatantly displayed is disrespectful. Impressionable children are watching.
Larry King should not leave the house without a man bur-qua.
Liver spots on the hands are actually quite artistic. Warts are conversation pieces. Birth marks have a story. Even hickeys can be intellectualized. But elbow creases blatantly displayed is disrespectful. Impressionable children are watching.
Larry King should not leave the house without a man bur-qua.
Little Tea Pot
The little tea pot was sad. It was summer and everyone switched to iced tea. No one cared about him.
Long, boring days ensued. He tried engaging with the blender, the toaster, and the micro, but they had their own thing going.
Looking out the window, he saw a barbecue with wine, soda, beer, and seltzer, besides the ice tea. Snapple to be exact. What happens to the insides of a neglected tea pot? It becomes cold and bitter and not very tasty. So in October when you return to hot tea your first few cups taste awful. Hard to swallow like abandoning an old friend in warm weather.
That quiet whining coming from the cabinet? Forgotten tea bags.
Long, boring days ensued. He tried engaging with the blender, the toaster, and the micro, but they had their own thing going.
Looking out the window, he saw a barbecue with wine, soda, beer, and seltzer, besides the ice tea. Snapple to be exact. What happens to the insides of a neglected tea pot? It becomes cold and bitter and not very tasty. So in October when you return to hot tea your first few cups taste awful. Hard to swallow like abandoning an old friend in warm weather.
That quiet whining coming from the cabinet? Forgotten tea bags.
Fireworks Controversy
Macy's has decided to have their July 4th fireworks on the East River again thia year, sending Hudson County into despair. When they use the Hudson River, thousands gather, entire families. The expression on the kids' faces is priceless. Vendors, music, shuffling for good position, balloons--a festive night.
But now there will be a few confused spectators and one pretzel vendor staring longingly at fireworks they can barely see or hear.
When we get them Brooklyn hates us and vice versa. Now that the Supreme Court has settled the gay marriage issue, it is time to debate the fireworks controversy.
But now there will be a few confused spectators and one pretzel vendor staring longingly at fireworks they can barely see or hear.
When we get them Brooklyn hates us and vice versa. Now that the Supreme Court has settled the gay marriage issue, it is time to debate the fireworks controversy.
I Ran Because...
I ran because I owed Nancy money and there she was coming toward me.I sprinted away, knowing she has knee problems. If I could keep up the pace for a couple of blocks I'd lose her.
I failed to consider the app for locating your friends, which she activated. I turn the corner and there are five professional clowns waiting for me. They wear big, floppy shoes, which is to my advantage. But I was out of breath. Should I feint them out or negotiate?
Do clowns do that sort of thing?
I failed to consider the app for locating your friends, which she activated. I turn the corner and there are five professional clowns waiting for me. They wear big, floppy shoes, which is to my advantage. But I was out of breath. Should I feint them out or negotiate?
Do clowns do that sort of thing?
Monday, June 22, 2015
Take My Picture
The pressure when someone asks you to take their picture with significant others in a public place when you have no experience with their camera is unbearable. It happens to me all the time. Today, as I was beginning my walk in a park, a young man requested just that. It was him, his dad, and his infant son, a cute kid to be sure. I managed to pull it off, they thanked me, and we went our separate ways. Twenty years from now when they look over old photos, will they remember the fellow who created this memory?
It gets depressing if it's a young couple definitely in love who ask. They smile and hold each other and you set up the shot wishing they had asked someone else. You walk away alone wondering where it all went wrong. I do enjoy those instances where a group of young women pose, squeezing together, holding each other, giggling. I just pray as I snap the shutter my fly isn't open.
It gets depressing if it's a young couple definitely in love who ask. They smile and hold each other and you set up the shot wishing they had asked someone else. You walk away alone wondering where it all went wrong. I do enjoy those instances where a group of young women pose, squeezing together, holding each other, giggling. I just pray as I snap the shutter my fly isn't open.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Summer Solstice
Today is the longest day of the year. It turned sunny and warm, so why am I not outside doing something healthy? Why am I just lying here in bed listening to the Yankees lose big? I've done my wash, did my morning walk, got my papers, had my coffee.
I should be in Times Square right now doing what I did last year and the year before--watching flexible women on yoga mats twisting their bodies into ungodly positions and sweating like wooly mammoths. Have I matured? Or is it that I couldn't sleep last night and the humidity has drained me? One could do worse than date a yoga instructor, all of whom look like triathletes.
Energy is something we take for granted. When it's lacking all you can do is lie there and philosophize, which exercises the mind, but doesn't burn calories.
Maybe someone posted the yoga babes on You Tube. Later, I'll get up the energy to check.
I should be in Times Square right now doing what I did last year and the year before--watching flexible women on yoga mats twisting their bodies into ungodly positions and sweating like wooly mammoths. Have I matured? Or is it that I couldn't sleep last night and the humidity has drained me? One could do worse than date a yoga instructor, all of whom look like triathletes.
Energy is something we take for granted. When it's lacking all you can do is lie there and philosophize, which exercises the mind, but doesn't burn calories.
Maybe someone posted the yoga babes on You Tube. Later, I'll get up the energy to check.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
The Salon
Meg walked into her favorite salon. But where was Sasha? A buxom blonde, all hair and makeup, barely five feet tall in heels, greeted her. She was leaning against the wall, hands on hips, chewing gum.
Where's Sasha, Meg asked.
I ate her. Take a seat. You wanna drink?
No, I don't drink. Maybe I should come back another time.
The blonde pushed her down in the chair.
Such pretty eyes. We need to lose those bangs, honey. Meg stiffened as the stylist began snipping away, swiveling her hips, sashaying around the chair.
A muscular young man stood in the doorway, long hair carefully parted. He flexed his pecs.
You do men in here?
Big boy, I do men anywhere. But if you want a haircut, go down the block. And don't look so disappointed. I get off at six and live right upstairs. Why don't cha come up and see me sometime?
It wasn't a question.
Where's Sasha, Meg asked.
I ate her. Take a seat. You wanna drink?
No, I don't drink. Maybe I should come back another time.
The blonde pushed her down in the chair.
Such pretty eyes. We need to lose those bangs, honey. Meg stiffened as the stylist began snipping away, swiveling her hips, sashaying around the chair.
A muscular young man stood in the doorway, long hair carefully parted. He flexed his pecs.
You do men in here?
Big boy, I do men anywhere. But if you want a haircut, go down the block. And don't look so disappointed. I get off at six and live right upstairs. Why don't cha come up and see me sometime?
It wasn't a question.
Three Coffee Beans
Joe circled the table. He'd seen lots of coffee beans in his life. He'd seen women ravished and men killed over coffee beans. He leaned toward them and sniffed, relishing the rush.
He had choices. He could just leave. He could slip them into his pocket, He could swallow them. He could inform the authorities. Joe had good instincts about things like this. He knew there had to be more to it.
Under the table was a note. He read the following: Help! I'm trapped inside one of these beans. If you choose the right one and free me untold riches will come your way. Choose the wrong one and you will be cursed with irritable bowel syndrome the rest of your life.
Joe sighed. He knew the guy who wrote this. Jesus, Vince, how do you get into these messes?
Sorry, came a tiny voice.
Joe shook his head. I am so sick of magical realism.
He had choices. He could just leave. He could slip them into his pocket, He could swallow them. He could inform the authorities. Joe had good instincts about things like this. He knew there had to be more to it.
Under the table was a note. He read the following: Help! I'm trapped inside one of these beans. If you choose the right one and free me untold riches will come your way. Choose the wrong one and you will be cursed with irritable bowel syndrome the rest of your life.
Joe sighed. He knew the guy who wrote this. Jesus, Vince, how do you get into these messes?
Sorry, came a tiny voice.
Joe shook his head. I am so sick of magical realism.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Apples and Oranges
I saw a sign in the market that said Pink Lady Apples 1.49 a pound. I'd never heard of this type. I usually stick to red and golden delicious and gala. Rome apples are strictly used for baking. I have dabbled in other types, but one must test one's boundaries and take a risk. These Pink Lady apples look like they might be juicy. Where are they grown? I don't trust third world fruit.
Sniffing them didn't help. Actually it got me a stare from a woman. They should allow you one bite before choosing. A special bite section should be set up in the produce department.
I will consume these Pink Lady mystery apples, damn the consequences.
Listen, I went through the same thing with Macintosh before having a breakthrough. Fear of the unknown limits one's potential.
Now oranges are simple. Juice and navel. That's it. Grapefruit, pink and white. Easy. But God seems to have a special feeling for apples and who are we to cast out any particular type. Where would we be as a society without candy apples?
Sniffing them didn't help. Actually it got me a stare from a woman. They should allow you one bite before choosing. A special bite section should be set up in the produce department.
I will consume these Pink Lady mystery apples, damn the consequences.
Listen, I went through the same thing with Macintosh before having a breakthrough. Fear of the unknown limits one's potential.
Now oranges are simple. Juice and navel. That's it. Grapefruit, pink and white. Easy. But God seems to have a special feeling for apples and who are we to cast out any particular type. Where would we be as a society without candy apples?
Monday, June 15, 2015
Loosing Change
I hate losing change. You plop down in the car seat and coins fly out of your pocket into the bowels of the interior. The impulse is to pull over, get out and crawl around while reaching under the seat. You end up with 34 cents and something sticky on your fingers.
You drop change while on line at some store and no one will move to let you search for it. You drop a nickel you desperately need while boarding an exact change only bus. Someone at a store hands you your change and you let it squirt out.
You get a one dollar coin from the NJ Transit ticket machine as change and you wonder if the deli on the corner will accept it.
The coffee machine only takes coins and you hate asking the counter girl for quarters because she is busy and probably low on them.
Returning to the original idea, if you lose change in your car and forget about it, when it comes time to trade in you are gifting the new owner with a small fortune. Think about it.
You drop change while on line at some store and no one will move to let you search for it. You drop a nickel you desperately need while boarding an exact change only bus. Someone at a store hands you your change and you let it squirt out.
You get a one dollar coin from the NJ Transit ticket machine as change and you wonder if the deli on the corner will accept it.
The coffee machine only takes coins and you hate asking the counter girl for quarters because she is busy and probably low on them.
Returning to the original idea, if you lose change in your car and forget about it, when it comes time to trade in you are gifting the new owner with a small fortune. Think about it.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Stream of Consciosness
I think if I focused I could develop a stream of conscious thought. I must abandon my impulse to control every thought. I will allow my mind to thrust forward without a specific goal and see what happens.
I'll begin with a concept and run with it. An impersonal universe.
Black holes, millions of stars and galaxies, Elizabeth Taylor, comets, asteroids, gravity, Sandra Bullock, sunspots, extreme cold, Jessica Alba, radiation, antimatter, Jennifer Lawrence, Milky Way, Big Bang Theory, Quantum mechanics, Emma Stone, Megan Fox, Kate Upton, Giselle, Beyonce, Jessica Biel, Angelina, three women at Hooters, Miley Cyrus..
This isn't working.
Maybe I'll hum. Not Dylan. Barry Manilow. I'll hum his hits until I get a stream of consciousness going. Here I go.
Oh damn it. I left my bowl of oatmeal in the micro. Now I'll have to reheat and it will lose it's taste. I sense another stream coming on and I didn't even have coffee.
How did James Joyce do it?
I'll begin with a concept and run with it. An impersonal universe.
Black holes, millions of stars and galaxies, Elizabeth Taylor, comets, asteroids, gravity, Sandra Bullock, sunspots, extreme cold, Jessica Alba, radiation, antimatter, Jennifer Lawrence, Milky Way, Big Bang Theory, Quantum mechanics, Emma Stone, Megan Fox, Kate Upton, Giselle, Beyonce, Jessica Biel, Angelina, three women at Hooters, Miley Cyrus..
This isn't working.
Maybe I'll hum. Not Dylan. Barry Manilow. I'll hum his hits until I get a stream of consciousness going. Here I go.
Oh damn it. I left my bowl of oatmeal in the micro. Now I'll have to reheat and it will lose it's taste. I sense another stream coming on and I didn't even have coffee.
How did James Joyce do it?
My Shortcomings
I have one shortcoming. I smell bad. Really bad. Even as an infant. Growing up, I had no friends. My parents put me in the shed and had my little brother bring me food. At school, I was placed in the janitor's closet until he complained. Then I was stuck in the basement corner with a laptop so I could skype with my teachers.
I tried deodorant, breath fresheners, constant showering to no avail. Specialists and clinics and tests could not help me.
I found a university close to a landfill so my smell could be disguised. I majored in hotel management. After graduation I went on interviews and tried to ignore HR people covering their nose with a handkerchief. I actually did land a job at a small hotel outside Camden. I lasted one day. Visitors streamed out complaining of the smell.
I had one friend--Wally--whose sense of smell was destroyed in a boating accident.
I spent lots of time reading Tony Robbins self help books at the library. Actually I have to sit outside away from the other patrons.
I believe I have a story to tell and joining a writing group might be my best move. Writers are very compassionate and understanding. That's what I've heard.
I tried deodorant, breath fresheners, constant showering to no avail. Specialists and clinics and tests could not help me.
I found a university close to a landfill so my smell could be disguised. I majored in hotel management. After graduation I went on interviews and tried to ignore HR people covering their nose with a handkerchief. I actually did land a job at a small hotel outside Camden. I lasted one day. Visitors streamed out complaining of the smell.
I had one friend--Wally--whose sense of smell was destroyed in a boating accident.
I spent lots of time reading Tony Robbins self help books at the library. Actually I have to sit outside away from the other patrons.
I believe I have a story to tell and joining a writing group might be my best move. Writers are very compassionate and understanding. That's what I've heard.
Friday, June 5, 2015
I Want Dreads
I want dreads, I told the stylist.
You're an old white guy with pattern baldness, she responded.
You come highly recommended, I snarled. Do your best.
We have some in storage used only for chemo recipients.
How much?
I have to check with my boss.
How much? You get 20%.
$150.
I counted out eight twenty dollar bills. The extra ten is for trimming my eyebrows.
A week later I'm still getting used to them. Walked right into a pole. Women love dreads and trimmed eyebrows. You can smell the sexual tension when I enter a room.
You're an old white guy with pattern baldness, she responded.
You come highly recommended, I snarled. Do your best.
We have some in storage used only for chemo recipients.
How much?
I have to check with my boss.
How much? You get 20%.
$150.
I counted out eight twenty dollar bills. The extra ten is for trimming my eyebrows.
A week later I'm still getting used to them. Walked right into a pole. Women love dreads and trimmed eyebrows. You can smell the sexual tension when I enter a room.
Death By Knitting
He lay there quite dead, stabbed numerous times with a bloody knitting needle a few feet away. His eyes were wide open. His mouth and nose were covered by an intricately patterned knitted gag. Maybe he was smothered first, then stabbed. Or vice versa.
An experienced knitter with powerful hands did this. His wallet contained a photo of an intellectual looking man. On the back it read, "Congrats on your accepted manuscript. Well deserved. Joe"
Sounds like a jealous competitor. We need to get a list of all writers named Joe who also knit.
I had a hunch he fled the country. Probably with lots of colorful yarn. My partner nodded. He always agrees with me and I buy him coffee.
An experienced knitter with powerful hands did this. His wallet contained a photo of an intellectual looking man. On the back it read, "Congrats on your accepted manuscript. Well deserved. Joe"
Sounds like a jealous competitor. We need to get a list of all writers named Joe who also knit.
I had a hunch he fled the country. Probably with lots of colorful yarn. My partner nodded. He always agrees with me and I buy him coffee.
Seven Scary Sentences
You are such a kind man.
You are hilarious.
You are such a good writer.
I have this play I wrote.
Could you direct or star in it?
You have the flu?
Can I come over and take care of you?
You are hilarious.
You are such a good writer.
I have this play I wrote.
Could you direct or star in it?
You have the flu?
Can I come over and take care of you?
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Gravy
Where is the respect? They claim I'm invaluable, yet I'm treated like garbage. They stir me forever until I'm dizzy. Then they plop me on their silly food and it's my responsibility to enhance the taste. Lumps? I LIKE my lumps. Why do they seek to eliminate my lumps?
Think about spaghetti and meatballs without me. I mean, you can have salad without dressing, but pasta without gravy?
I respect anyone who creates their own gravy, but those humans are few and far between. Most gravy is imprisoned in jars on shelves forever. Can't you hear us screaming for attention as you stroll past? What's worse are those who bring us home, use us once and bury us in the fridge for weeks. What happens? Mold and bacteria and disgusting stuff growing on top of us and there's nothing we can do about it.
Humans needs to reassess their relationship with gravy on all levels. You'd better not confuse us with condiments. Pour me on a hotdog and I swear I'll give you salmonella.
Think about spaghetti and meatballs without me. I mean, you can have salad without dressing, but pasta without gravy?
I respect anyone who creates their own gravy, but those humans are few and far between. Most gravy is imprisoned in jars on shelves forever. Can't you hear us screaming for attention as you stroll past? What's worse are those who bring us home, use us once and bury us in the fridge for weeks. What happens? Mold and bacteria and disgusting stuff growing on top of us and there's nothing we can do about it.
Humans needs to reassess their relationship with gravy on all levels. You'd better not confuse us with condiments. Pour me on a hotdog and I swear I'll give you salmonella.
Monday, June 1, 2015
His Dream
He thinks I belong to him. He dreams me very night and that makes me his property. The fool.
I was someone else dream for a long time. I wish I knew why I was transferred to this host. He has no other dreams, just me. None to keep me company, none I can pass the time with until nightfall.
Daytime seems to last forever. I have no purpose without him and even within him. Sometimes he wakes up suddenly before I am done with my story and it is frustrating. Jarring. I'm not getting closure. It's not like I want to leave him in a cold sweat, but often that is what happens.
There has to be some way of escaping this cycle. If I could just break free of his subconscious I believe I could find another host on my own. Perhaps a child. I swear I would be such a pleasant dream inside a child's mind, one with a beginning, middle and end, one they could excitedly relate to their parents or older sibling the next morning.
I'm wasting away inside this fellow. Oh boy, he's turning on his side. That means it's showtime. Maybe I'll flow right to the end uninterrupted. Even dreams can dream.
I was someone else dream for a long time. I wish I knew why I was transferred to this host. He has no other dreams, just me. None to keep me company, none I can pass the time with until nightfall.
Daytime seems to last forever. I have no purpose without him and even within him. Sometimes he wakes up suddenly before I am done with my story and it is frustrating. Jarring. I'm not getting closure. It's not like I want to leave him in a cold sweat, but often that is what happens.
There has to be some way of escaping this cycle. If I could just break free of his subconscious I believe I could find another host on my own. Perhaps a child. I swear I would be such a pleasant dream inside a child's mind, one with a beginning, middle and end, one they could excitedly relate to their parents or older sibling the next morning.
I'm wasting away inside this fellow. Oh boy, he's turning on his side. That means it's showtime. Maybe I'll flow right to the end uninterrupted. Even dreams can dream.
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