Showing posts with label List. Show all posts
Showing posts with label List. Show all posts

Thursday, February 24, 2022

Beezelbub

 A Turkish folk dance

Peruvian stew

A tool to rip out plywood

Mexican throw rug

a 4000 calorie concoction from Denny's

An insect that destroys tulips

 A Bosnian waffle

The sound of snapping underwear elastic

A giant Russian pretzel

Betty White's last word

A lightning storm in Transylvania 


Thursday, May 7, 2020

Virus Bucket List

Shave head
Get tested for anti-bodies
Try to monetize anti-bodies
Reassure people I'm recovered
Stop stress eating at night!
Figure out how to open printer to change cartridge
Debate whether to grow beard and stash
Check shaved head for missed spots
Get new welcome mat
Clean out storage space next to bathroom
Test new upgraded flashlight
Buy new boxer underwear
Clip toenails
Clean out potato chips from recliner
Pick up prescriptions
Try opening a book
Try painting something
Walk for one full hour
Take a nap

Friday, April 24, 2020

Notes

Slight fever, eight straight days, call dr., diagnoses of virus, not flu, pick up Z pack.
Weak, tired, sweats, chills, shaking up to half hour, serious runs, weight loss.
Take shower, towel off, sudden loss of balance, fall back into tub, crack head against wall.
Lay there minutes, try to pull up on grab bar, too weak, heart pounding.
Deep breath, one final yank does it, land on floor, gasping, get up, finish drying off.
Drink water, sleep, listen to politician speeches, Tylenol every six hours.
Phone rings, too tired to answer, get on laptop, notify friends, no appitite, sugar too low.
Nephew brings bags of food, takes an hour to put everything away, begin eating again.
Days pass, no fever, feeling stronger, begin light exercise and stretching.
Force oneself to go out to CVS and Shoprite and bank.
Neck and shoulders ache possibly from head hitting wall, continue exercising, TV binge.
Nine days after fever gone decide to go for walk, very slow, deliberate.
Each day extend walk until one hour, sit in car read paper, sip coffee, weather miserable.
Regain some weight and spend more time posting on Facebook.Sneezing and nose inflammation, possible allergies.
Damn, I wish gym was open.

Thursday, April 16, 2020

Virus

Fever
Weak
Tired
Sweats
Shivers
No appetite
Isolation
Breathless
Insomnia
Weight loss
Diarhea
Mystery
No test
Dry Mouth
Fight


Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Things We Decorate

windows
small pets
infants
cars
skin
buildings
classrooms
laptops
resume
lawns
billboards
trees
elderly people
dinner tables
store fronts
uniforms
walls
gardens
sneakers
socks
sales pitches
Martha Stewart

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Deal With It

Buzzing phones during movies and plays
Tall people arriving late and blocking views
Slurpers. Too much chest hair.
Those who just will not shut up
Horn beepers one second after the light turns green
Fast typers and dictators who must control seating
Dirty curtains
Those with perfect posture who flaunt it
Huggers who hug everyone
Hemp and chia seeds
Feuding parrots
Standing room on buses
Death by avalanche
Feet photos on Facebook
People who grouse about everything
Pointless sentences
Exposed butt cracks
Pandemics

Six Words

Things in six words--

Dogs licking you without warning
Underwear that clings right into wedgie
Endless applause following my open mikes
Waffle fries and honey mustard combos
Soap slivers that just pile up
Clock radios I can set quickly
Thin mucus flowing through sinus openings
The elimination of all toenail fungus
Tulips that bloom all year long
An epic poem about my aura
Colorful seashells you can munch on
Bird poop that can be recycled


Sunday, November 18, 2018

Between Us

Just between us...
I peek into public bathroom stalls to make sure the previous occupant flushed.
I'm wearing black fishnet stockings right now.
I never watched Mr. Rogers and fear those who did.
Every time I eat out little kids come up to me and stare until their parents call them back.
I use way too much shampoo for the amount of hair I have.
I lust after women in yoga pants.
I have a sensory alert system that detects when someone will pass wind.
I use people with blank expressions as inspiration to feel good about myself.
I am afraid of unicyclists and carnival music.
I fear animal trainers dressed in cache.
I also fear pauses in conversation, which is when I remove my shirt to get things started again.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Future Car

Comes with a six foot tall model.
Emits powerful perfume if you pass gas.
Responds to your meaningless babble.
Can elevate over traffic.
Can play recording if stopped by cop explaining driver doesn't understand English.
Automatic shift direction for small animals
Clean up system for small animals who move too slow
Never runs over traffic cones without an apology.
Lets you know if you are leaking.
Plays Twitter posts of Elon Musk.
Refuses to play Michael Bolton music.
Heals its own scratches.
It's horn sounds like Adele.

Saturday, September 22, 2018

First Morning Thoughts

What is that thing crawling on my pillow?
Who farted in my mouth?
I could have sworn Jennifer Lawrence was right next to me.
I hope that bump under the blanket is part of my body.
I hope the highlight of my day isn't shampooing my scalp.
Am I late for something?
Which side is safest to roll out?
Did I snort myself awake?
Oh, my neck hurts.
What is my finger doing sticking in there?

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Bowling Teams

The Mulch Marauders
The Split Decisions
The Pin Lickers
Gutter Gurus
Three Hole Ambassadors
Spare the Rod
Beers On Us
Stinky Bowling Shoes
Foul Line Strikers
Pin Pulverizers

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Team Efforts

Keeping the audience awake when I read at open mkes
Chasing endangered species and forcing them to procreate
Those responsible for daily clarification of our President's announcements
Moving Chris Christie fron the Barkolounger to the hammock
Helping me in and out of adult diapers
Those needed to perk up Mark Zuckerberger after Facebook crashed
Those keeping food away from Candice Bergen during reboot of Murphy Brown
The ground crew who cover the field with tarpolin.     
Eating a giant hogy.

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

First Things First

First I will save the whales. Then I will solve global warming. Then I will find the missing bees. Followed by Jimmy Hoffa. I will save the redwoods and find a cure for pattern baldness. I will fight for clean air and water, immigrant amnesty, smoke free environments, cancellation of Blue Laws, improving compression stockings, revamped TV shows from the 80's, unexplained pauses during parades and the use of prepositions to end sentences.
Before all that, I must master the Velcro straps on my shoes and reorganize my rubber bands by size.
I can't seem to do anything about those chili stains on my shirts.

Saturday, July 7, 2018

Last Five & Dime Sale

my 17 published books
14 leisure suits fron 1977
muddled MTA announcements on schedule changes
Stale Gummy Bears
A three color kaleidescope
Spray on mustache spray
A collection of rejected cartoons by the New Yorker
muscrat recipes
a Wanda Sykes inflatable doll
a Do It Yourself kayack kit
Old tapes of the Mike Douglas Show
A pogo stick used by Eleanor Roosevelt
Cuddling for Dummies
certified butt lint from Andre the Giant
a spittoon used by Fidel Castro

Saturday, June 23, 2018

TV at 3AM

Shows at 3am.

Tunneling with the Stars
World of Smells
Weaponizing fruit and vegetable peelers
How Do mangos Procreate?
The Mike Pence Hour
Clogg Dancing for the Blind
Exploring Hudson River Sea Life
Mobsters in Love
Fungus is Our Friend
Uber Drivers Go Commando

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Annoying Jennifer

Ten reasons Jennifer Lawrence annoys me

1.She thinks everything is about her
2.She's 27 and still thinks getting hammered and vomiting is cool
3.She claims dieting and working out are not her concern
4.She dropped out of Middle School, yet lectures reporters
5.She reacts to every tiny negative thing written about her
6.She dates men much older than her
7.She never takes time off
8.She's a complete hypochondriac.
9.he railed against nude photos of her online, thwen stripped for Red Sparrow
10.She watches the Kardashians instead of reading books

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Relaxation Techniques

Rubbing my bald spot
Practice swabbing out my ears
Bend paper clips into odd shapes
Call up ggofy people and exchange goofiness
Watch the dolphin channel
Squeeze bocci balls between my thighs to impress Italian women
Count my liver spots
 Read the obits and see who I outlived
Roll avocado pits in my palms
Quilt while listening to Kenny G

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Rush Hour

Ways to unclog pedestrian traffic:

Fine tourists walking six wide and stopping to take in every Garbage container.
Old, slow movers who won't move to the right.
Vendors hawking food no one wants.
Mimes anywhere, anytime.
Guys with maps trying to entice folks onto germ covered tour buses.
People who can walk normally, but purposely meander just to annoy others.
Those checking their devices for important messages that never come.
Cops just hanging around looking bored.
People at intersections who stubbornly won't move until the WALK signal.
Those pushing baby strollers who expect complete access.
Kids on bikes and hover boards careening into adults.
Street beggers without imagination.
Men in robes spouting Old Testament scripture.
Those in Disney and Marvel costumes posing for pictures, asking for money and groping women.
Wait--that's my weekend job.

Saturday, January 6, 2018

Snow Day

Watch TV weather coverage
Eat breakfast
Stretch
Exercise 
Netflicks
Write poem
Check email
Compose blog post
Listen to music
Think of someone to call
Paint abstract work
More Netflicks
Check for snail mail
Reread previous day's paper
Take nap
Make lunch
Weigh yourself
Still more Netflicks
Heat up dinner
Post witty comment on Facebook
Write another blog post
Consume entire avocado
Listen for snow plows
Do farm animal impressions

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Men's Locker Room

Rules--
no giggling
no side glances
no communication
no taking two lockers
no peeing without flushing
no humming show tunes
no loud grunts during bowel movements
no coughing fits
no serious farting
no flexing
no comparing body parts
no multi-colored socks
no hair dryers
no mousse
no mention of Project Runway
no more than 4 'bro' references
no combing shoulder hair
Absolutely no squealing