Before It Falls Apart

My philosophy is to leave things before they fall apart. That includes conversations, relationships, jobs, homes, and beliefs. Abandonment is underrated as a strategy.
If your car is burning, you take off. If a painting is not coming together, give up before it resembles colorful coffee grounds. Get rid of sponges before they call to mind rotting mice.
Leave the beach before the rush, leave the subway before the crush, leave the church before the hush, leave the snow before the mush, leave the toilet before the flush, wipe the furniture before the dust,, flee the storm before the gust, change the locks before the rust.
Run from salami if you must, and say bye bye to liver before the wurst.
Abandon this essay before it turns to slush. Pray for a miracle or some such.
Too much?

How Will They Remember Me?

I want to be remembered as a guy who almost got rid of his Jersey accent. Who used to part his hair. Whose hamstrings were flexible. As someone who deliberately submerged his magnetic personality and let others have the spotlight.
I want people to appreciate my sense of adventure, evidenced by living in Hudson County my whole life and making midnight trips to White Castle. I hope my writing will inspire others to create and my wardrobe will take friends into new realms of mixing and matching. Remember how kind I was to animals, even turtles, not that they ever reciprocated.
When I finally do go to that laundromat in the sky I plan to donate one pair of my socks to every friend as a keepsake. I will encourage them to circulate my toothbrush.
On my headstone, these words: "Here lies a poet of gravitas". Most of my friends will have to look up gravitas.

Senior Movie

I signed up for twice monthly senior movie days at a local cineplex. I never knew this existed. Hey, I'm a taxpayer, why not?
It had been literally years since I'd been in an actual movie theater. I usually go to libraries for freebies. This place was clean and the seats were comfortable. I took one towards the top, getting there a half hour early; only a handful of people preceded me. I finished up a Kindle book while waiting. Of course the previews took a good fifteen minutes.
As the minutes passed I watched seniors enter. Some were able to move quite well, but others, well others barely could get up the steps. Excruciatingly slow, one step at a time, holding on for dear life, stumbling into a seat, breathing hard, flushed. Wearing heavy coats didn't help.
Suppose one grasped the chest and collapsed. Could I spring into action and start pounding away on a ribcage? What if there were a fire? How long would it take them to evacuate? Hours?
The movie was Broken City; not bad, Russell Crowe, Mark Walberg, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Corruption all over the place. This was one day after I saw Arbitrage at a library. More crooked people looking to screw over anyone in their way. Richard Gere's hair never looked better.
One guy at the theater came in very late and I'm betting he was at another screening of a different movie and sneaked into this one without paying. Now he would have to sit there, knowing the ending of our movie, and watch the whole first half for the film to make any sense.
Two more weeks until the next senior movie. Maybe I should enter just as the lights are going down and flaunt how well I climb steps. Nah. Too mean.

Artichokes Unlimited

My business, Artichokes Unlimited, was struggling. A mystery. Who doesn't like artichokes? I ran into my friend Keith, who ran Squash City, a high end emporium, and mentioned the problem. I could go bankrupt, I moaned.
He said one word--marketing. He got the word out that squash was the hip food of the year. Even had a musician friend write a song about it. Gave me the name of his publicist Josie.
This woman is a whirlwind of activity. She organized a Miss Artichoke contest that got coverage in three papers and over 500 people in the high school auditorium. I put in a coffee bar, hired a torch singer--torch songs go well with this food staple--even placed my grandmother at the door as a greeter.
Things really picked up. Then one day a man entered, introduced himself as Carl, a venture capitalist, and wanted to discuss the possibility of expanding my business into a franchise. He gave me his card, emblazoned with an artichoke and smiled. I just knew I could trust this man. Besides, there's never been any evidence the Mafia has ever been involved with black market artichoke importing. I see an unlimited future. I might even move into beets.

Rashes

It's been way too long between rashes. I miss my rashes. They would just appear one day and then mysteriously vanish. I was fascinated by their variety--size, shape color, smell, and especially location.
I made a diagram of my body, front and back. Astounding that I'm still breathing. I spent far too much time scratching and sniffing them. I probably could have been a CEO by now.
The saddest aspect of being a rash magnet is when they leave it's like losing an old friend. Each is unique and once it's gone, it's similar to the death of an endangered species.
I've been to numerous Personal Rash conventions, conferences and symposiums to compare notes. We are liberal minded and have no problem with a hall full of people with their pants down pointing at each other's discolorations. All in the name of medical science.
I have a parrot that doesn't grasp my interest in this. When I periodically examine it for rashes it squawks like an old woman.
Two years without a rash. Now every time I get an itch my hopes soar.

The Pirate Inside Me

Swashbuckling. Look up the word and my name is next to it. If there is a pirate gene, I have it. Just look at me. Tight royal blue stretch pants, puffy white shirt, stylish, imported leather boots, a suede scabbard, the longest, sharpest sword imaginable. Medallions hanging from my neck across my masculine, hairy chest. Doubloons in my pantaloons.
Yes, I clatter as I walk, but that is part of my intimidation.
Women? Hah! I've lost count of all the Brigettes and Danielles I have captured and ravished and set free. Let me say, few of them wanted to leave.
I have a loyal, cutthroat crew, ready to follow me to the far corners of the earth. Except I made some ill advised tech company stock purchases, fell behind on my ship payments and the bank repossessed it. Unholy devils. I know I must find treasure soon or I will lose my career.
That was why I found myself entering a Wall Street building housing hedge fund managers, the cruelest theives imaginable. I was hoping for free lance work.
Once in the elevator, I pressed the 20th floor and waited. Only one other person, a roly poly, bald, middle aged man was present. Within seconds the accursed cubicle stopped dead. We were stuck. After an awkward silence, the other stuck out his hand, introduced himself as Gus, a frustrated stage performer moonlighting as a mutual funds consultant.
He politely asked if he could sing to pass the time. I foolishly accented and for two hours he warbled the entire score of Oklahoma, Carousel and Phantom. It was all I could do to keep from lopping off his head right there.
By the time we were freed my puffy shirt was soaked with sweat and Gus left with a broad smile. Outside of being a bit pitch challenged, he wasn't bad.

Endorsed

People keep endorsing me for skills and talents on Linked In. I don't know what that means. If someone reads these endorsements will they contact me demanding assistance? I don't need this extra pressure.
What skills am I supposed to possess?
I make breakfast, tie my shoes, make out bills, read the paper and write goofy stuff. Will sexually adventurous women have certain expectations? And how am I supposed to respond to these recommendations? I guess  I should reciprocate and endorse them, except I don't know what they do well other than stay online for hours.
Linked In is focused on people looking for work, professional people. I'm retired and the only reason I'm on there is to promote my books. But if the members are all jobless how are they going to buy my book? My profile isn't all that impressive anyway. I have a sneaky suspicion that those who endorse me are looking for a free meal or a lap dance.
Look, for twenty bucks I'll endorse you, no questions asked.