Everyone was jealous of Nicky for being such a prolific writer, turning out one book after another. He'd sit alone in a cafe typing away, oblivious to everything.
We must distract him, they thought. But how?
Rhonda was the answer. Stacked, beautiful and willing to help, she asked if she could sit across from him. Nicky nodded without looking u p. She leaned forward and cleared her throat. Nicky look ed up and froze. He couldn't breathe.
She introduced herself, asked what he was writing. A bio of Frederick Douglas, he stammered. Do you also write?
No, she answered. I'm an exotic dancer at Club Carnal on Route 46. Nicky swallowed. Perhaps you can write about me, she suggested.
Nicky nodded quickly. You would have to see me dance first. Nicky kept nodding and breathing hard.
His concentration was shot. She leaned forward even further, giving him a good look.
Are you single, she asked.
Nicky nodded and closed his laptop and opened his heart.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
New Language
The toxic culture in the office had to be addressed. Too much friction, insults, cruelty. People hated coming to work.
Manager Naomi opened a large cardboard box and began handing out hand puppets. This is how we will communicate from now on, she said. Use your hand puppets and smile as you speak. Wiggle it, rub it against your coworker's face. Communicate!
Joe kept to himself. Naomi cornered him. What's wrong, Joseph. He frowned. My puppet looks like Harvey Feirstein. How can I imitate his raspy frog in heat voice? Why didn't you give me Michael Buble or even Pee Wee Herman? You just added more stress to my life.
Naomi sighed. Give it a chance. She walked off. Joe rubbed his puppet against his cheek and whispered,Sspeak to me, Harvey.
Later, he rejoined the group, a strange smile on his face.
Manager Naomi opened a large cardboard box and began handing out hand puppets. This is how we will communicate from now on, she said. Use your hand puppets and smile as you speak. Wiggle it, rub it against your coworker's face. Communicate!
Joe kept to himself. Naomi cornered him. What's wrong, Joseph. He frowned. My puppet looks like Harvey Feirstein. How can I imitate his raspy frog in heat voice? Why didn't you give me Michael Buble or even Pee Wee Herman? You just added more stress to my life.
Naomi sighed. Give it a chance. She walked off. Joe rubbed his puppet against his cheek and whispered,Sspeak to me, Harvey.
Later, he rejoined the group, a strange smile on his face.
The Namers
The Namers stared at the object before them, trying to contain their excitement. Sniffed it, examined it from all angles. This was something completely new. Puzzlement. Consternation.
Possibilities were tossed out. None semmed to fit. Brain block. Mind fog.
Maybe we should taste it, one suggested. No, that's against protocol, another responded. Just then one member coughed and sneezed simultaneously. A collective light bulb went off. That's it! That sound is this object.
The leader took a deep breath and shouted Falafel!
The group broke into applause. Another project successfully completed.
They then devoured said project in seconds.
Possibilities were tossed out. None semmed to fit. Brain block. Mind fog.
Maybe we should taste it, one suggested. No, that's against protocol, another responded. Just then one member coughed and sneezed simultaneously. A collective light bulb went off. That's it! That sound is this object.
The leader took a deep breath and shouted Falafel!
The group broke into applause. Another project successfully completed.
They then devoured said project in seconds.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
Insect Threat
They are watching us. Trillions of insects just waiting to destroy mankind. Not birds--birds are harmless. Insects. Crawling, hopping, buzzing, staring with nightmarish bug eyes.
We've let our guard down, focusing on global warming. Nonsense. We're blinded by the grace of the mantis, the flash of the firefly, charming crickets, lovely ladybugs, industrious ants, undefeated roaches.
Outnumbered, we must do what the Russians do--strike first.
I've written letters, distributed leaflets, texted and emailed the authorities. Insects are our mortal enemies--that's my message.
They feed me well here. The bed is a bit uncomfortable, especially with the restraints, which come off if I'm good.
They think I'm going to harm myself. Fools. Right there in the corner I see a tiny spider watching me, forming its nefarious strategy. If necessary, I will eat it.
We've let our guard down, focusing on global warming. Nonsense. We're blinded by the grace of the mantis, the flash of the firefly, charming crickets, lovely ladybugs, industrious ants, undefeated roaches.
Outnumbered, we must do what the Russians do--strike first.
I've written letters, distributed leaflets, texted and emailed the authorities. Insects are our mortal enemies--that's my message.
They feed me well here. The bed is a bit uncomfortable, especially with the restraints, which come off if I'm good.
They think I'm going to harm myself. Fools. Right there in the corner I see a tiny spider watching me, forming its nefarious strategy. If necessary, I will eat it.
Brain Cells
Out of billions of brain cells, it's been established men only use 11 for decision making and judgment calls. That's right--11.
Women use about a billion. But they also use at least that much for discussing each decision with their friends and with men.
Guys use those 11 for guy things like--
smashing beer cans on their foreheads
playing video games until they lose consciousness
revving their motorcycles really loud
skinny dipping wearing only neck jewelry
refusing to collect clipped toenails
nuzzling thes dog too long
running against traffic
scratching in strange places
offering to light a woman's cigarette with a flashy lighter
trying to look thoughtful without getting a headache
Women use about a billion. But they also use at least that much for discussing each decision with their friends and with men.
Guys use those 11 for guy things like--
smashing beer cans on their foreheads
playing video games until they lose consciousness
revving their motorcycles really loud
skinny dipping wearing only neck jewelry
refusing to collect clipped toenails
nuzzling thes dog too long
running against traffic
scratching in strange places
offering to light a woman's cigarette with a flashy lighter
trying to look thoughtful without getting a headache
Sorry
I'm sorry I missed your wedding. I'm sure it went well. I didn't come because I'm sitting here in a grungy Motel 6 room with no job. I punched out my boss. My car was repossessed. I'm broke and am mainlining smack. My bank account is a myth. My friends abandoned me after I refused to get help.I haven't shaved or showered in days. I don't smell too good. My landlord changed the locks.
After you broke up with me, my life took a bad turn. If I weren't on the first floor, I'd leap out the window.
So I missed your wedding. Have a great life.
After you broke up with me, my life took a bad turn. If I weren't on the first floor, I'd leap out the window.
So I missed your wedding. Have a great life.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Cataract Hell
They don't tell you everything beforehand. 1% of cataract removals cause problems. Fine. I'll take those odds.
He removed a big one from my right eye. Done in five minutes. Assembly line office. I get home, take off the plastic see through cover as instructed. Can't see anything but white light. Not even a blur. I figure the cause is a dilated pupil. Hours pass. No change. Pupil still dilated at bedtime. Next morning pupil is back to normal. But I still can't see out of the eye.
Must call friend to drive me to doctor. They show no alarm. The doctor looks into my eye. Tells me the size of the cataract caused swelling in the cornea and fluid accumulation. A not uncommon result of this surgery.
I'm given beta blocker drops which should lower the pressure in my eye and ease the swelling. Online, it says recovery can be anywhere from two days to much longer. Right now I have 50% vision in te eye.
They don't tell you everything.
He removed a big one from my right eye. Done in five minutes. Assembly line office. I get home, take off the plastic see through cover as instructed. Can't see anything but white light. Not even a blur. I figure the cause is a dilated pupil. Hours pass. No change. Pupil still dilated at bedtime. Next morning pupil is back to normal. But I still can't see out of the eye.
Must call friend to drive me to doctor. They show no alarm. The doctor looks into my eye. Tells me the size of the cataract caused swelling in the cornea and fluid accumulation. A not uncommon result of this surgery.
I'm given beta blocker drops which should lower the pressure in my eye and ease the swelling. Online, it says recovery can be anywhere from two days to much longer. Right now I have 50% vision in te eye.
They don't tell you everything.
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