Breaking My Routine

First thing in the morning, I scratch my butt. I needed to break my routine, so I scratched my stomach. I realized my growth was being stymied by silly routine.
I switched off and put on my socks before underwear. Shaved my left cheek before my right. I was changing my whole routine. I drove past my Burger King and found a McDonald's. Ordered decaf coffee, black. Went with oatmeal instead of sausage and egg on a biscuit. Sat bby a window, far from the men's room.
Later, I did my walk on the high school track instead of the park. The excitement was overwhelming.
At 11 am Louise called asusual. But I didn't answer. Instead I would call Ed, who I hadn't spoken to in months.
First I have to scratch my butt.

Binge Eating

Augie stared at the carton of cole slaw, fork in hand. He was primed for attack. A voice inside his head reminded him of his promise to his late mother. Eat slow. Chew your food. Swallow carefully. He had made the mistake of trying to change his eating habits using an avocado.
Truthfully, once he cut it open and ejected the pit, he couldn't stop himself from burying his face into the mushy insides.
So he decided to try control with cole slaw. The first few forkfuls went well, but then his body began shaking. It was rebelling. In one fierce motion, he buried his face in the carton and sucked out the slaw.
Betty, his girlfriend, returned home at that moment. He jerked his face up, nose covered in slaw.
He could only apologize and promise it would not happen again. At least not with cole slaw. His mother would have thrown a shoe.

Hair Tousling

The easiest way to make friends is to tousle someone's hair. I use only my index and middle finger so as not to alarm them. Hugging is too quick and smelly/ Slapping palms is not intimate enough.
Mousse is a problem. I like its feel myself, but people are sensitive about messing up mousse.
Hip bumping was my old way of making friends until arthritis entered the picture. Neck licking really isn't sanitary. Rubbing noses is for kids.
I tickle the ear hair of balding men. Conversation soon follows. Sometimes there is a misunderstanding leading to awkward instep kissing and armpit noogies. Clear intent is key here.
In an airport, walk up to lonely travelers and tousle their hair or scratch their beard. Life is more enjoyable with friends.

Betrayal

Popeye paced back and forth, puffing hard on his pipe. Olive Oyl sat on the couch, head down.
I isn't what you think, she said. Let me explain.
I saw you coming out of a Motel 6 with Bluto. It's all pretty clear.
He needed someone to talk to. His doctor said he was hypertensive and diabetic.
Popeye shook his head.
I looked the other way when those rumors floated around. You and Beetle Bailey. You and Steve Canyon. You and Nancy Drew. You and Charlie Sheen. I don't know what to believe anymore.
Olive came to him and he pushed  heraway. I was just going to remove spinach from between your teeth like I used to, she said.
I don't think this relationship can be saved, he said.
Olive gritted her teeth. Fine, she growled. You want to break up, fine with me. But this is what you'll be missing, sailor boy.
She ripped off her ankle length dress and stood there in her long underwear. Popeye dropped his pipe. It had been far too long. Something feral in him responded to this Bad Girl standing there. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom.
He'd deal with Bluto later.

Wee Willie Winkle

Wee Willie ran through the lingerie section of Macy's burying his face in lace. Once security tossed him out he realized he had a gender confusion problem. His roommate, Dondi, was having his own problems trying to find his parents. They sat in front of the TV Monday night critiquing Supergirl's color choices.
Despite his name, Wee Willie had impressive equipment and as word got around, a man offered him a job doing porno. Dondi admitted he also had those offers, but declined.
Willie thought perhaps because of his gender confusion he could do both male and female roles. There was a knock on the door. It was Dilbert looking for companionship. Both roommates decided to stay mum about the offers. Dilbeet was a high end engineer with his own cubicle who would not understand poverty.

Rugby Fever

Marion and Eunice were strong young women who loved rugby. But there were no teams in their area. So they went to local fields where soccer reigned and decided to introduce this wonderful sport to the populace. They waited until halftime before charging onto the field and tackling one of the referees.
Parents thought he was under attack and ran to his defense. In seconds, the entire center field was covered with adults pushing each other and rolling around in the dirt. The kids soon joined in the fun.
It took three cops to break up the scrum. Fourteen people were taken to the hospital. Marion and Eunice were eventually sentenced to community service collecting leaves. The referee, dateless for months, got Marion's phone number. They are going to see a movie this weekend.

If Dogs Ruled

The Dog Debates were rancorous to say the least. The poodle barely barked above a whisper, the yorkie never shut up. The Great Dane demanded more fire hydrants, the afghan seemed above it all. The shepherd promised stronger leashes for humans, while the Lab suggested they were mature enough to go without. A mixed breed expressed sympathy for the awkward, slow humans.
Dalmatians could not sit still. A bulldog said its needs were not being met. Wolfhounds had identity issues.
Three qwls were moderating. Should mimes on the street be bitten? Should biting be limited? Is it ultimately pointless? What about butt sniffing?
Is growling still effective?
A dachshund broken down and admitted he was in love with Miss Piggy. The group was disgusted. Lassie was understandable, but a pig?