All I wanted to do was feed the squirrels in my yard. Ed, my neighbor, accused me of attracting more of them to the neighborhood, driving down property values. My wife wants me to clean the garage; my son pleads with me to kick around a soccer ball.
A coalition of animal lovers and nutritionists came over and protested my use of Cheetos as a food staple for the squirrels, claiming the sodium content drove up their blood pressure. An infestation of groundhogs resulted, leading to pitched battles between them and the squirrels. Constantly tossing the food caused a tear in my rotator cuff, necessitating surgery. Angry, hungry critters stormed my house while I was hospitalized, driving my family to the basement. Police had to wait two hours for the game warden from another town because budget cuts led to ours being laid off.
I got billed $400 in police overtime.
While in therapy, I fell hard for my therapist, leading to a costly divorce settlement. My kids, friends, parents, and ex all hate me now. My boss called me a disturbed individual.
I've completely run out of Cheetos and I don't like the way the creatures are looking at me as I put out the garbage. No way I'm turning my back on them. God, talk about lack of gratitude.
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