Cutting a Deal

I met him in a dark alley at night, which is when these deals happen. I had a bit of money and knew exactly what I needed. The streets were quiet as midnight approached. I could barely see my hand in front of my face. I felt vulnerable; suppose this was a scam?
I heard a whisper. "I'm right over here. Keep walking."
I did as told, fists clenched.
He was a stumpy man in a trench coat; a wide brimmed hat slung low hid his face. In his right hand was a small bag.
"Do you have my fee?"
"Of course." I handed over large denomination bills.
"What exactly are you seeking, friend?"
I had rehearsed this, but the words still got caught in my throat.
"I need a philosophy of life; something to get me through old age without fearing death. I want an overview that gives my life meaning. I need a calming thought on my death bed."
I paused.
"I need most of all to accept the human condition and the inevitability of our mortality."
He frowned. "Damn. I brought the wrong bag. I thought you wanted hair replacement products."
"What!!??"
"Just kidding. Here on this scroll is what you seek. Read and understand it. Live your life accordingly. Listen, I have a batch of spiritual guidelines coming in from Scandinavia if you're interested."
I shook my head. "God confuses me. This should be all I need."
"I'm guessing you cheat on your taxes."
"I'm uncomfortable with the direction this is heading. Thank you and goodbye."
He shrugged and disappeared into the fog.
When I was alone, I opened the scroll and read--"Take the Packers and give the points."