You are not going to believe this, doc, but the last time I got a flu shot, strange things happened. I began speaking and walking like Alfred Hitchcock, waddling along, head up, eyes half closed. I went into the street in a fugue state. About five minutes later I became Rudy Guliani, slapping pedestrians for walking too close to the curb or ticketing people for missing spots as they swept the sidewalk.
I tried to make a citizen's arrest on a man who refused to clean up after his puppy. He smacked me, I pulled out a penknife and went on the attack. His dog ran off into traffic. The arm where I got the needle began to swell up and I imagined myself a mid-sized dirigible releasing air and plummeting to earth. The dog caused a bicycle messenger to lose balance and fly over the bars.
I passed out and woke up in emergency. My disfigured arm was seriously swollen and throbbing. Suddenly a tiny two headed creature burst from my biceps and squealed. Attendants rushed in and cornered it, but not before three were bitten and needed rabies shots. My bill was $21,000 and my arm still hursts.
I don't care if my mom is in the waiting room. I can't take another flu shot.
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