No Bars

I am lost in this forest with no reception and a dead battery. Night is coming and I am frantic. I can hear chainsaws from far off. I begin to move in that direction when a man bursts through the underbrush. His has white hair, perfectly combed and carries an axe.
Are you a Christian, he asks.
I hesitate before answering, I'm an agnostic.
He frowns and takes a step toward me.
Do you believe in God, he asks.
I think there is a higher force that exists.
He seems confused. I think we have a problem here, he says.
I'm just lost. Can you give me directions?
He pulls out his cell and says something to whoever is on the other end. Minutes pass and he eyes me suspiciously.
I have an open mind about God, I break the silence.
You may wind up with an open chest cavity, he responds. I realize I'm speaking to VP Pence. Suddenly the bushes part and several men carrying chainsaws emerge. I recognize the leader--Rudy Guliani.
Please, sir, I'm Italian on both sides.
He smiled big and jabbed me in the ribs. Not much meat on him, he says. Pence nods and thinks.
We have a method of dealing with atheists, he says, indicating the saws.
But that's illegal, I cry.
They double over in laughter.
I never once voted for Hilary!
They close in. I pray Bernie Sanders is nearby.