You Can't Take It With You

My landlord was adamant. I was moving out and asked if I could take the wallpaper. It was covered with images of the humming finch, my favorite bird. He claimed he couldn't rent it without wallpaper and I guess he had a point.
     People can be anal about certain things. When I got fired from my last job as an insurance adjuster I politely asked if, in the process of cleaning out my desk, I could take home the accumulated crumbs from my snacks over the previous three years. I have sympathy for crumbs. Mr. Boynton, my supervisor, informed me those crumbs belonged to the company because the desk belonged to them. I protested that since the crumbs originally came from my food they belonged to me in perpetuity.
     Then he showed me a contract I signed when hired that clearly stated all food residue belonged to them. Here is where it gets complicated. I had three unopened containers of Tic Tacs, certainly not a source of nutrition, in the top drawer. I was willing to give in on a roll of lifesavers in the second drawer, but if I surrendered the Tic Tacs it would be like handing over a piece of my manhood.
     Boynton called in Carol and Ernie from legal. They listened to both sides, examined the contract and smelled my breath. Then they retreated to an empty suite to confer. Five minutes later they came out and decided to let me keep the Tic Tacs, if only to spare those unfortunate enough to get close to me.
     Now I need to find some humming finch wallpaper.

Crumbs

They take turns vacuuming the crumbs off the carpet. There are always crumbs, many from crushed corn muffins. Then they rearrange Garbanzo beans. To shake up other residents, they substitute dried kidney beans.
So the day passes. Evenings, for entertainment, they release the inbred frogs, who have no sense of direction and collide in mid air. Soft smacking, then bedtime, another day done.