God's Off Day

God was having an off day when He or She created:
Tapioca- We already had pudding and yogurt. Overkill.
Gelatin-a sad knockoff of Jello, not to be tolerated.
Seltzer-Expensive fizz. At least ginger ale helps pregnant women with nausea. Seltzer sounds like a small German town in the mountains where they manufacture clogging shoes.
Adams Apple-Women don't have one and they function just fine. Why isn't it at least considered an erogenous zone.
Change Machines-You stick in a dollar and get noisy, dirty change. Nothing really changes. You're still a frustrated writer stuck in your 500 page history of tapioca.
Pausing While Speaking-Why did we get this ability? Pauses in the middle of a sentence drive everyone nuts and kill discussion.
Cross Country Races-Kids running through the woods for no apparent reason. Trophies? Please. The Grandkids won't care.
Bridges-If there were no bridges there would be no engineers. Need I say more?

Proof of God

Lucy Liu
Waffle fries
Lightly salted almonds
Cheap garages
Oil paints
Apple crumb donuts
Anti-itch powder
Larry David
Highway driving
Ultra soft toilet tissue
Gurgling babies
Slightly off adults
Grace Park
Mystery novels
Unfinished wood
Anyone who can remove a splinter
Birds who know when to shut up
Really impressive eyebrows
Turkey sausage sandwich
Q-Tips and pipe cleaners

Returning Your Call

Hello? Yes, God, it's me returning your call. I was out bowling. You should know that. You're All-Seeing. Let's not quarrel. I'm here now. What? No way. I did not scoop out Holy Water into a cup and use it in my Netti Pot. Don't listen to Father Shaw. He hates my tongue. Every time he slips the Communion wafer in my mouth he flinches. The man has issues.
Okay, you got me on skipping three Rosary beads and maybe shortening a Novena or two. I'm a busy guy working two jobs. Plus we had that hurricane. I need a new mattress among other things. Of course you don't use a mattress or pillows or bath mats. You never sleep. You must have been dozing when you created Wilmington, Delaware.
I'm not being snippy. How do you keep getting my new number? A Divine Mystery? Your usual explanation. Well, explain why my Breath Right nasal strip keeps peeling off at night.
Do me a favor. Put one of the saints on. St. Agnes. Someone I can communicate with.
For once.