Crackling Grandma

My grandma crackles. I don't know how she does it. She cackles too, but that's to be expected. All of us will eventually cackle. But no other adult I know crackles. I think it originates in her abdomen. She swears she's not in pain. I suggested meditation or yoga, but she refuses. She's proud of her uniqueness. Most times I'm okay with it, except when she's in the bathroom and I can hear loud crackling and cackling at once. I lose my appitite.
Grandpa just snorts--no crackle. I secretly recorded the two of them and sent the tape to a horror film director who is using it as the sound track to his next film. I thought about sharing the proceeds with my grandparents, but I have my own medical bills. When I crouch, a low whistle is emitted from my butt. I'm told it might be due to excess fiber. Maybe it's genetic. I could use a butt muffler.

Oh, Granny

She came in through the bathroom window. I looked up and there was Granny climbing through once again. Not again, I said. Shut up and hide me, she cackled. I barely made it out of Francine's. Don't move as fast as I used to.
Tell me you didn't, Granny.
Did, didn't, it's all relative. just because I keep winning, they think I'm cheating. How do you cheat at poker? How about sticking me down in the basement behind the furnace. Not the closet. They nailed me there last time.
She stood a bit over five feet and weighed about 85 pounds.
Granny, they know where I live. They'll be here momentarily. This nonsense is driving down property values. Every friday night the same issue.
Don't argue with me, Sonny. I am who I am for 81 years and nothing's going to change.Just because I can deal fast doesn't mean a thing. Pennies, they're worried about pennies.
Bills were sticking out of her housecoat.
Quick, hide me under the sofa.
I did as told. Family is family.