Family Negotiations

I lined them up in the living room. I had been putting this off because I hate confrontations. But things had gotten out of hand.
I shouldn't have to remind the four of you I picked you up off the gutter and gave you a home. It's not as luxurious as your former employer, Donald Trump, but it is comfortable. You have a roof over your heads  and a warm bed. Lately, all I'm getting is spurious complaints.
Let's go through them, shall we--and stay awake.
The reason you don't have toothbrushes is robots don't have teeth. I let you use my mouthwash out of the kindness of my heart.
If I want to leave my socks around, that is my prerogative.
You cannot just stop work to watch Jerry Springer.
Your sex life is your business, but try to keep it down. All that clanking is keeping me awake.
Who ate my cole slaw? Keep your paws out of my refrigerator.
Stop disparaging my wardrobe. Robert Hall suits still fit.
When I have guests, do not sit on their laps and ask for a hug.
This is what I get for being compassionate and treating you like family.
Wake up, Louis!

Robot Silence

The robot working next to me on this assembly line never speaks. It's a long day without conversation. I liked it better when Howie was next to me. He wasn't quite fast enough, so this gleaming piece of aluminum was moved in. I can barely keep up, but they'll never replace me. I'm the shop steward. Getting our robots to join the union has been difficult. They don't need benefits and work for nothing.
It's harsh to categorize them as boring. Sophistication and wit are beyond them to this point. I tell knock knock jokes and there's no response. I'm not even sure if I should tell jokes disparaging Mexicans. Maybe they were created in Mexico.
Last week one robot locked up and had to be taken offline. I'm afraid one of them will catch fire. They seem pretty strong and might go berserk.
Maybe if I mention The Pope I'll get a response. Who doesn't like the Pope?