Humpty

It stood on the wall threatening to jump. EMS, police and firemen were trying to coax it down. A tranquilizer gun and net were brought in. So was Dr. Myron Kopec, a shrink specializing in suicide attempts. He needed to apply just the right tone.
Your name?
Humpty Dumpty.
I'm guessing you were teased at school.
I never went.
Are you depressed?
Yes. I learned I came from a chicken.
Is that so bad?
How would you feel?
I understand. What else?
I have a yolk that only becomes important when I'm fried.
We all must die.
Not like that. It said I caused bad cholesterol. What is that?
Debates rages on that one. You feel your life lacks meaning.
Brilliant deduction.
Suppose, if you come down, I offer you free Netflicks?
I have no legs to climb. Three drunk humans put me up here as a prank.
We'll get you down. Suppose I threw in The Egg Channel. Nothing but eggs, 24/7.
Would you? Would you??
I'm a man of my word.

Wall

Understand, I had my sofa taken to the dumpster, creating more room in my parlor. I loved my new space. The other night I shut off the lights and TV and strode toward the bathroom. I proceeded to walk right into the wall. Twelve years I'm here and I still don't know where the damn walls are.
My nose hit first, then the wood shelf jutting from the wall smacked me right above the knee. I'm too much of a man to howl. But I cursed up a storm.
I lay in bed with ice on it, praying there was no serious damage. I was limping around the next day, gritting my teeth. There is no way I will ever trip over my coffee table or the excess quilt on my bed. Luckily my nose looks the same.
I believe at this rate I'm two months from assisted living. If humans had a check engine light mine would be on all the damn time.