Bananas Two

Clerk-I'm just here doing a job.
Shopper-And I'm here trying to purchase sustenance.
Clerk-Look at this. You've squeeze-dented this nectarine.
Shopper-That dent was already there.
Clerk-No it wasn't. I examine my product every morning.
Shopper-Here's proof. I snapped this a few moments ago before I touched the fruit.
Clerk-You use your cell to photograph our produce. Without our permission??
Shopper-It's called self protection. You have cameras following my every move. This is quid pro quo.
Clerk-Don't hit me with Latin. I'm in the right here. You are a serial fruit toucher.
Shopper-Why didn't you intervene when I touched the carrots?
Clerk-Carrots can handle themselves. They don't bruise.
Shopper-And if I had snapped one in half?
Clerk-I'd have been all over you like white on rice.
Shopper-That's a cliche.
Clerk-You some kind of teacher?
Shopper-I'm a writer.
Clerk-Really? Will this wind up in a story?
Shopper-Maybe.
Clerk-Could you make me taller?
Shopper-Depends. I'm going to examine that peach.
Clerk-Peaches are the most vulnerable to bruising.
Shopper-See how careful I am? There. Right back where I took it.
Clerk-What was wrong with that peach?
Shopper-Too hard.
Clerk-Nonsense.
Shopper-Don't take it personally.
Clerk-I HAVE to. I'm head produce clerk. This is my domain.
Shopper-A bit pretentious, aren't we?
Clerk-I'm ordering you to put that peach in your cart.
Shopper-I want this other peach.
Clerk-But you haven't touched it.
Shopper-Now that's ironic.
Clerk-Don't confuse me. Here. I'm GIVING you the two rejected bananas for free. I can't have depressed fruit on my tand.
Shopper-Can I smell your radishes?
Clerk-Don't push your luck, fella. Am I in your story or not?
Shopper-Well, maybe, maybe not. Knock something off that yam and we'll see.
Clerk-My yams are gold. I'm through negotiating. I will hand you one mango. You will fondle it to your heart's content. Then you will leave my produce aisle.
Shopper-Man gos give me diarrhea.
Clerk-Stomach issues are in aisle seven.

Bananas

Shopper and clerk
Clerk-You just broke two bananas off the bunch.
Shopper-So?
Clerk-That's not allowed.
Shopper-Why?
Clerk-It goes against nature. It would be like yanking two of your cousins away from your own family.
Shopper-I don't like my cousins.
Clerk-Why not take all four?
Shopper-I live alone. I can only eat two bananas before they get overripe.
Clerk-What is overripe but a matter of opinion?
Shopper-Overripe is when you try to peel it and all you get is mush.
Clerk-We have have a separate problem here.
Shopper-We?
Clerk-You've been touching the produce too much. You are allowed three touches, no more.
Shopper-That's not enough.
Clerk-For the rest of society it is.
Shopper-You're saying I'm the only one who over touches?
Clerk-On my shift. I can't speak for when I'm absent.
Shopper-You take your job pretty seriously.
Clerk-That's why I'm head produce clerk.
Shopper-So you established these rules.
Clerk-In conjunction with The International Produce Quality Control Association.
Shopper-You just made that up.
Clerk-They're located in Terre Haute, Indiana.
Shopper-I need to feel my fruit.
Clerk-Three touches.
Shopper-Or what?
Clerk-I bring out Leroy from the back.
Shopper-Fine. I carry a tasar weapon.
Clerk-I doubt that.
Shopper-Try me.
(To be continued)