Wally had too many words. He stored excess ones in a Tupperware container. Basically, he stuck with the same army of words in all his writing. When he occasionally opened the container looking for a new one, they all vied for his attention.
One time he left the cover ajar and some sneaked out, wandering around the neighborhood, inserting themselves into strangers' conversations. Words like coagulate and occipital.
One day, when Wally hit a wall and couldn't write, he retreated to his stash of ignored words, seeking assistance. To his surprise they refused to participate. They had unionized. Demanded at least 60 days of use during the year, especially the multi-syllable ones.
Wally gave in. His vocabulary increased, his sentences became longer, more elegant. Reviews of his work were glowing.
Unfortunately, his old words that got him his start, felt neglected. They became disconsolate, idly hanging around street corners, drunk, slovenly, useless. If you want to be a writer and need some words, go outside and look around. It won't take long to find them.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Disney World
Joe--Guess what. I'm going to Disney World.
Steve--Disney World is an overrated hellhole of prefabricated, derivative, manipulative landfill. Walt was a cutthroat capitalist who couldn't create a beer fart during an October Fest. He seldom even fed his overworked cartoonists, keeping them locked in a sweltering room for days at a time.
Goofy is an insult to any kid with working thumbs. Talking ducks and mice. Please. Uncle Remus is a racist stereotype, Snow White a frigid careerist, Cinderella a shallow masochist with no marketable skills, Tinkerbell an exhibitionist, the Seven Dwarfs sexual deviants, Minnie Mouse a battered wife, Bambi the perennial victim, and Dumbo a delusional juvenile with flying aspirations. And I haven't even touched on the characters that came after his death.
Who knows what really goes on in The Epcot Center? Overpriced food and drink, lines everywhere, strange smells, sappy souvenirs, creatures that would frighten Navy Seals. Kids leave scarred for life.
Joe--Have you ever gone there?
Steve--My mother won't let me leave New Jersey.
Joe--I might stop at Sea World.
Steve--A cesspool of rotting fish, underfed octopus and polluted water. Have a safe trip.
Steve--Disney World is an overrated hellhole of prefabricated, derivative, manipulative landfill. Walt was a cutthroat capitalist who couldn't create a beer fart during an October Fest. He seldom even fed his overworked cartoonists, keeping them locked in a sweltering room for days at a time.
Goofy is an insult to any kid with working thumbs. Talking ducks and mice. Please. Uncle Remus is a racist stereotype, Snow White a frigid careerist, Cinderella a shallow masochist with no marketable skills, Tinkerbell an exhibitionist, the Seven Dwarfs sexual deviants, Minnie Mouse a battered wife, Bambi the perennial victim, and Dumbo a delusional juvenile with flying aspirations. And I haven't even touched on the characters that came after his death.
Who knows what really goes on in The Epcot Center? Overpriced food and drink, lines everywhere, strange smells, sappy souvenirs, creatures that would frighten Navy Seals. Kids leave scarred for life.
Joe--Have you ever gone there?
Steve--My mother won't let me leave New Jersey.
Joe--I might stop at Sea World.
Steve--A cesspool of rotting fish, underfed octopus and polluted water. Have a safe trip.
Fat Tuesday
Tuesday is fat because it is depressed and overeats. The other days have special connotations. Saturday and Sunday represent excitement and adventure. Monday connotes responsibility and focus. Wednesday is hump day--get past it and you're close to the weekend. Most of the good TV is on Thursday, and Friday is all expectation and counting the hours until works and who knows what begins.
Tuesday just exists, a low volume mail day with nothing to recommend it. Tuesday is insecure, isolated, depressed.
One suspects when God created the world His attention was elsewhere on Tuesday. Perhaps he was thinking ahead to the weekend.
Sadly, Fat Tuesday could refer to actress Tuesday Weld, who retired too early, stayed home and binged. Maybe if they had named her Friday she'd have a healthier self image.
Tuesday just exists, a low volume mail day with nothing to recommend it. Tuesday is insecure, isolated, depressed.
One suspects when God created the world His attention was elsewhere on Tuesday. Perhaps he was thinking ahead to the weekend.
Sadly, Fat Tuesday could refer to actress Tuesday Weld, who retired too early, stayed home and binged. Maybe if they had named her Friday she'd have a healthier self image.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Droopy Eyes
I recently saw a photo of myself with a group of friends in which my eyes were half closed and it looked like I was staring at the chest of the woman in front of me. I looked like I just wanted to get back to my coffee and donut. I have heavy eyelids and there's nothing I can do about it.
The world does not need me to add to its creepiness. There's more than enough to go around, much more than I remember growing up. Or maybe I just never noticed. That's the burden of being a writer. You see and hear everything.
In order to seem normal I'm going to have to fabricate exotic vacations and maybe rent a spouse and kids just for Facebook photos.
I bet certain women find my droopy lids sexy, like Robert Mitchum or Ryan Gosling. Or they could just be concerned I might be having a stroke.
The world does not need me to add to its creepiness. There's more than enough to go around, much more than I remember growing up. Or maybe I just never noticed. That's the burden of being a writer. You see and hear everything.
In order to seem normal I'm going to have to fabricate exotic vacations and maybe rent a spouse and kids just for Facebook photos.
I bet certain women find my droopy lids sexy, like Robert Mitchum or Ryan Gosling. Or they could just be concerned I might be having a stroke.
Swipe Fee
I've decided to administer swipe fees for those who wish to be my friends. This was not an easy decision. It boils down to a simple question--how valuable is my time and are you worth it? Okay, that's two questions.
Essentially, what I have to offer in terms of friendship extends far beyond the parameters of what most people can offer. My searing wit alone is priceless. The market determines what I should charge.
I heard Michael Bolton charges $40 an hour for sharing a meal with friends.
I was thinking $12 an hour to start and see how people respond. If I begin losing top tier friends and are left only with vague acquaintances, I may have to rethink this. Of course there would be a night differential and a weekend surcharge.
Carrying around one of those portable credit card swipe machines is a pain, but if one values what one has to offer, it's a small inconvenience. Initially, you may be upset, but give it time and you'll adapt. True friends always do.
Essentially, what I have to offer in terms of friendship extends far beyond the parameters of what most people can offer. My searing wit alone is priceless. The market determines what I should charge.
I heard Michael Bolton charges $40 an hour for sharing a meal with friends.
I was thinking $12 an hour to start and see how people respond. If I begin losing top tier friends and are left only with vague acquaintances, I may have to rethink this. Of course there would be a night differential and a weekend surcharge.
Carrying around one of those portable credit card swipe machines is a pain, but if one values what one has to offer, it's a small inconvenience. Initially, you may be upset, but give it time and you'll adapt. True friends always do.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dancing on Lava
My new collection of stories is Dancing on Lava--Switchblade Stories 3, published through Create Space on Amazon. The print is larger and the space between lines is wider, making it easier to read. A talented graphic artist, Ryann Rykowski, formatted it and put together the cover. It is a print and e-book.
There are 40 somewhat offbeat stories with no central theme, although there is satire and social commentary through exaggeration and dialogue. I am currently working on my fourteenth collection and hope to publish at least two a year.
I've soured on scheduling appearances and doing open mikes, neither of which has resulted in many sales. I've decided my priority is to publish as much as I can, donate some and sell the rest informally at various meetings of groups I belong to.
There were 285000 self published books last year alone in this country. Add to that all the thousands put out by independents and university presses. Then tack on the thousands published by the big six firms. The chances of breaking out of the pack are miniscule. So I changed course and will focus on just getting the books out there.
It seems there is so much time and energy spent on marketing and networking, it is easy to forget the importance of the actual writing and completing projects. From here on, I am all about completing those books and publishing whatever I feel is quality material. In a sense, I'm abandoning what isn't working or pleasant and substituting what is important to me.
There are 40 somewhat offbeat stories with no central theme, although there is satire and social commentary through exaggeration and dialogue. I am currently working on my fourteenth collection and hope to publish at least two a year.
I've soured on scheduling appearances and doing open mikes, neither of which has resulted in many sales. I've decided my priority is to publish as much as I can, donate some and sell the rest informally at various meetings of groups I belong to.
There were 285000 self published books last year alone in this country. Add to that all the thousands put out by independents and university presses. Then tack on the thousands published by the big six firms. The chances of breaking out of the pack are miniscule. So I changed course and will focus on just getting the books out there.
It seems there is so much time and energy spent on marketing and networking, it is easy to forget the importance of the actual writing and completing projects. From here on, I am all about completing those books and publishing whatever I feel is quality material. In a sense, I'm abandoning what isn't working or pleasant and substituting what is important to me.
Laundry Bag
Today I had to inform my old laundry bag it was being mothballed due to wear and tear. Its responsibility will be limited to containing my old bath mats until I'm ready to wash them. As you might expect, it didn't go well. There were protests and arguments and finally sulking, especially when I introduced it to its replacement, a yellow bag from Bed, Bath & Beyond. It suggested yellow wasn't masculine enough for a man's dirty clothes. I responded I was secure enough to ignore such drivel.
These are necessary actions if one is to proclaim independence while living alone. You can't wait for someone else to make these decisions. This extends to removing socks and underwear from the sartorial cycle and switching to newer models.
Some decisions are made for you. Anyone can see mold in a tomato sauce jar or mushy cucumbers in the vegetable bin. But exactly how long do you keep Vaseline and peanut butter?
Tomorrow I must confront my pot holders with the news they are to be replaced in March. I expect nothing less than a hissy fit, but a man must stand his ground. The new ones will be masculine black.
These are necessary actions if one is to proclaim independence while living alone. You can't wait for someone else to make these decisions. This extends to removing socks and underwear from the sartorial cycle and switching to newer models.
Some decisions are made for you. Anyone can see mold in a tomato sauce jar or mushy cucumbers in the vegetable bin. But exactly how long do you keep Vaseline and peanut butter?
Tomorrow I must confront my pot holders with the news they are to be replaced in March. I expect nothing less than a hissy fit, but a man must stand his ground. The new ones will be masculine black.
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