Earning Respect

Here is how I earn respect.

Use big words in long sentences.
I never laugh, only chuckle and nod.
My posture is an art form.
Long pauses while making a point.
I know cheese.
I blow my nose in a perfect handkerchief which I toss away because I always have a back up.
My back scratching leads women into tremors and soft moaning.I change my oil without losing a drop.
I offer unsolicited advice to young adults.
I can grow a gotee whenever I want.
My guacamole dip will make you gasp.
Just watch me change lanes.
All my cummerbunds are silk.
No one can lick an ice cream cone with my panache.
I can spell panache..

Molecule Madness

Something is wrong with my molecules. I reach for the butter and grab the cole slaw. I put my shoes on the wrong feet--other people's feet. I hum the pina colada song in the confessional.
People are avoiding me. I believe rogue molecules have invaded me. I think they came from my friend John who also has been feeling off.
Why me? Who knows? I've decided to wait it out and see what develops. My own molecules have been influenced by these invaders. Last night I tried eating macaroni and most of it wound up inside my ear. Why is life so complicated?

Mournful Cry in the Night

When Cameron discovered his broker was cheating him, he devised a plan of punishment. He waited for the thief one night as he pulled into his driveway. Cameron pounced with a chloroform drenched rag over the man's face.
Alan, the broker, found himself tied to a tree in the woods. Cameron opened a back pack full of books. Now you will learn the meaning of suffering, he promised.
He began reading as Alan's mournful cries filled the night.
He read from Twilight People--Switchblade Stories 1 by Joe Del priore
He had not even completed that tome before Alan passed out from the pain. The woods were quiet. Cameron would wait until the bastard regained consciousness and then proceed on to Volume 2. He hoped he didn't kill any innocent animals in the process.

Loose and Light

My poultry are getting too fat. Maybe I keep them penned in too much without exercising. I called in Boris, known for his farm animal exercise programs. He lined up all my chickens and turkeys and ordered push ups and sit ups. We need to do some serious core work, he barked.
Ernie, my rooster, sat it out with a groin pull. Probably fooling around in the hen house. I believe Boris when he claims inside a month they'll be lean and mean.
My wife objects. She feeds the pigs and goats and doesn't understand different species need a different approach.
I had a beer right in front of my exhausted poultry. I do have a sadistic streak.

The Adventurer

Eddie was restless. The tribe had established itself in this region for eons. He wanted to see what else was out there. Others felt uncomfortable with change. He was ordered to stop complaining and accept the status quo.
In the middle of the night Eddie sneaked away with minimal supplies. He wanted adventure and discovery. He walked and walked through dense undergrowth and barren areas. Moist, smelly land, followed by dry flaky outcrops. Everything was new. He had gone completely across this egg shaped terrain by day's end.
He needed to rest one night before trekking back to the tribe.
The next morning he awoke to a shock. A loud whirring sound. Suddenly the dense underbrush vanished and he was exposed to the sun and elements. Nothing but barren land as far as he could see.
What has happened? What has become of my tribe? Am I all alone in the world?
The shock left him paralyzed.

 Joe stood by the elevator as Steve approached. Nice haircut, Steve commented. I did it myself, Joe said. I like it short like this. I used  professional barber kit. See, I was getting this itching across my scalp and now it is gone.
What a relief.

Twelve Siblings

There were 12 of us living in a three bedroom apartment. Our parents simply gave up and left. We were behind on the rent and running out of food. None of the oldest of us could find a job.
We held a meeting. Solutions were difficult. Mostly, we needed food.
The 15 year old twins mentioned a caring, compassionate teacher. Mr. Halliday.
I wondered if they could convince him to come visit us for dinner.
But we do not have enough food for ourselves, they protested. I paused. Does this teacher have anyone who would miss him? I asked. They shrugged. Describe him.
Well, he's kind of stocky, in his early thirties.
Meat on his bones, I asked. They nodded.
The twins somehow convinced him to come for dinner.
Truthfully, I'm not even sure the oven still works. I suppose I should test it. But first I need to get hold of some chloroform.

Water and Dirt

George prided himself on seeing things others missed. His home was surrounded by water. Dirt lined the shore. When it rained he analyzed the drops and realized they were of the same composition as the surrounding water.
Something mysterious happened to the dirt when it rained. The same thing that happened to the dirt on shore. He stayed up all night examining the change in composition. He did the calculations. He created an equation. It worked! Now everything made sense.
He ran through the village shouting he had unraveled the mystery.
I have discovered mud! he cried.
The others shrugged and went on with their day. George's wife made him a tuna salad sandwich. That always calmed him. Now he needed to find a use for mud and they would be rich.
This was years before someone discovered exfoliation.