Sweater Shortage

Why can't I find men's sweaters? Have men stopped wearing the zipper or button up styles? Do not talk to me about pullovers. I have shoulder problems and avoid pulling anything over my head. I'm looking for a brown, tan or dark yellow zip up sweater which will match my various outfits in those colors.
I have blue sweaters up the kazoo, purchased with my postal uniform allowance. I still keep them and wear them with the official patch. It sems to get me more respect.
Old Navy had just what I wanted, but a size too small. Forget Target. Not a single men's sweater of any type. TMaxx wasn't much better. K-Mart has disappeared. I'm desperate enough to try Walmart. Kohls might be a possibility with a discount card I got in the mail.
What can I say? I look good in sweaters. The market should be accommodating guys like me. I also wish my legs were longer. Try finding a decent pants with 29 length. If I go 30 I have to create cuffs which never stay up. The bottom gets worn out and ragged.
Perry Como and Bob Newhart wore great sweaters. Bill Cosby's sweaters were all pullovers. Come to think of it, I never saw Cary Grant wearing a sweater. I guarantee if he shopped Targets and complained, they'd lay out tables full of sweaters faster than you could say Sinatra, who favored ORANGE button ups, but who am I to judge?

One of Those

I don't want to become one of those old people. You know, the ones who walk into a place of business and cause the young counter people to whisper, oooh, he's got something hanging from his chin. Who starts up one aisle, reverses direction for no apparent reason, who can't remember what parking lot he left his car, let alone what space. Whose nieces and nephews avoid him at family functions, who sprains his back putting out the garbage, who cannot slide his car into a space on the first try, whose socks don't match, whose best friend is his dog.
Who trims his own hair with frightening results, who leaves a dollar tip, who goes power walking with sissy one pound weights, who talks really loud on public transportation, who feels he can say anything inappropriate because he is old, who tries to flirt with women who are just doing their job, who takes too damn long walking up or down stairs, who incites giggling among teens for any number of reasons.
I want to be like Cary Grant or Gregory Peck, who never had noodles with gravy hanging from their chins or lips. I want respectful looks and for people to sit up straight when I walk into a room.
I just hope it's the right room.

10 Reasons to Brave a Snowstorm

1 Old Navy has a 40% off sale
2 Hot coffee at McDonalds
3 Sledding is Ageless
4 Free movie at the library
5 Observe those who have to work
6 Replenish snowball supply
7 Must find a newspaper
8 Huddle with others, pretend you're under seige
9 Cool air opens sinuses
10 Women admire hearty men

Thanksgiving Strangers

I spent Thanksgiving with my sister in law's family, mostly Irish who speak quite loud. I sat at the head of the table and for a moment wondered if we should say grace. That passed and for the next two hours we ate heartily and discussed the storm.
I made none of this food and felt somewhat guilty. But I made up for it by inserting witty remarks at regular intervals. Football, of course, dominated the TV. I settled in the most comfortable chair and had a perfectly civil conversation with someone's aunt.
A part of me wanted to leave early and line up at one of the early bird stores. Maybe I could get a great deal on smoke alarms or something. Perhaps I could make new friends. Including Thanksgiving and door busters in the same sentence seems sacrilegious.
Now I will have to buy wreaths for the graves. I will use a coupon at AC Moore. Maybe I will seek out a small tree at the 99 cent store. I know half my fridge will be leftovers and a good part of my upcoming conversation will also be fragments from Thanksgiving, except without the constant chewing.
I sure hope olives last a long time because I've got an army of them.

Blinking Phone

My Samsung cell has been blinking at me for weeks. The entire keyboard flashing, with a combination of numbers and letters on the screen that bears no resemblance to anything. Am I being contacted by aliens? I called AT&T and was told someone else made this complaint. So there is one other person in the world experiencing this phenomenon. We may well be the chosen ones.
They promised to send me a free replacement, a much more expensive phone. That was a month ago. Then Sandy hit and mail was delayed. I made a followup call and was told they would try to speed up the process. So far, no phone.
Sometimes my old one will actually work for a day, teasing me. The aliens are displaying complete control over my communications.What do they want from me? Did they actually intercept my call and pretend to be phone representatives? Should I visit an outlet store in Hoboken and have them look at the strange occurrence with my Samsung? What if the entire corporation has been taken over by aliens in human form and are toying with me? I wish I knew the identity of the other person inflicted with this phone madness. And what is the meaning of that message flashing across the top? I wish Stanley Kubrick were alive.

The Coconut Kid

I was turned on to coconut spread on toast and there is no reason to leave the house anymore. Plus, I have a bag of coconut flakes which I will sprinkle on my cereal. I was shown a book about the miracle of coconut. It can heal, sooth, calm inflammation, give me younger skin and stronger hair. Can it get me a date with Carly Kloss?
I was also told about Tumeris, a spice that also combats inflammation, which can cause lots of health problems by itself. But I went to three stores and they were out. People have been secretly hoarding this spice in my opinion. I don't just want good health. I want to outlive all my readers.
The point is you have to pay attention when those who know about nutrition wish to share that knowledge. Especially if they look better than you. Whole Foods is quite fascinating. The average educational level of its customers is Masters Degree. Everyone is extremely polite and serious. These are people who are quietly changing the world with their food choices and they know it. Nevertheless, peanut butter is about $2 less at Walmart. And you can grab a Subway sandwich after shopping there.
Hey, I only have a BA.

Black Friday

Well Black Friday wasn't all that crazy. I hit Radio Shack for memory cards, AC Moore for art supplies and a bookcase, Modells for a gift fleece vest. I was basically in and out because I'm a guy who knows what he wants.
I know what balloons I will photograph at the Macy's parade and which I will ignore for aesthetic reasons.
The only hesitation I experienced through this holiday was at the Expendable Relative Wholesale Warehouse in Secaucus. I entered knowing I have a small family, but not certain who I would add, if anyone. Last year I found no one there terribly interesting on any level. A few were downright unattractive.
But this year it was a whole different story. Evidently a lot of families downsized over the year and the result was a succulent choice of f aux relatives. I left with a second cousin, two first cousins, an aunt, a nephew and a son in law. Could hardly fit them all in the car. But at least I'll be surrounded by actual people this Christmas instead of those cheap inflatable relatives made in Hong Kong. Hopefully one of them can cook. Now I have to find those extra air mattresses I picked up at a Labor Day sale at Targets. If this works out I may even get them cots.