Hurricane Displacement

The damage was immense. Entire buildings moved from one spot to another. The drugstore in K Mart's lot. K Mart blown into the river. Trader Joe's slammed into a mountainside. A hair salon blown into a palm readers home. An entire strip mall vanished. The police station sandwiched between DPW and a firehouse. A bus depot went flying into a Marriot hotel .Boy Scouts on a camping trip lost their tents and scoutmaster who was found in a dumpster.
All the municipal offices were squashed into pancakes. Dogs and cats may still be air born. A Best Buy wound up blocking the flooded highway and Geek Squad members wandered around in a daze.
The library was demolished, leaving several librarians blown into a giant sign advertising homemade fritters.
A few days later the local high school football team played in front of 10000 citizens because, miraculously, the field was untouched. Football heals all wounds.

Great Minds

Great Minds Inc. created pre-recorded messages, the elliptical machine, Spanks, self flushing toilets, electric flossing sticks and hands free vibrators.
At their yearly convention, inventor Carl Anders introduced his concept of reversible underwear, designed to cut laundry costs in half. Carol Lemon presented her creation edible foam to help fight world hunger.
We taught owls how to stay up in trees without falling and parrots to yodel. We brought Spam into this century by combining it with Jello, creating an indescribable taste.
In literature, we created flash fiction with the aid of its master Joe Del Priore. Genius comes in so many forms.
Now we are working on disposable irony.

Debate Team

Our debate team was crushing the opposition. The audience gasped at our logic and arguments. The topic was fracking and we were for it. The others were conservationists. We pointed out gas prices would skyrocket without fracking. Our leader pounded the table and stated if he wanted to drive to Ohio for no reason, he should be allowed.
The audience applauded. It was all over.
Except for Alice, who sobbed, I'm pregnant and I don't want my child to grow up in a world of fracking. We looked at each other. The judges wiped away tears and awarded the victory to them. Cheaters, we yelled. Appealing to emotions is against the rules. But the ruling stood.
Outside, Alice came up to us cackling. I'm not really pregnant, she said. Then she skipped away.
I'm voting Republican.

Starting Over

At some point the workers on The Leaning Tower of Piza had to take a step back and recognize it was time to start over. The calculations were off.
Italy attacked Ethiopia in 1939 for reasons that remain a mystery. With all their fire power, and the natives having little more than rocks and spears, Italy was driven out. We need to start over and attack Holland, the generals decided before Mussolini put an end to that nonsense.
The human spirit is always looking forward and seeking achievement, except my friend Elizabeth, who is always depressed and shows it. Every day is Monday to her. She needs inspiration. Darts, pool, Parcheesi.
Someday she will wake coughing up phlegm at age 86 and realize it's too late to start over.

Elegance Personified

Everyone points to Audrey Hepburn. Or Cary Grant. I prefer John Wayne's lopsided gait, Bogart smoking, the exquisite absurdity of Steve Martin and Martin Short. Can you imagine Lauren Baall burping? That is elegance.
Elegance to me means high end gel pens that swirl and loop across the page. I feel like Henry James when I use them. My posture is elegant. When I walk across the room people notice. Even bending to pick something up I am graceful. I'd like to see Audrey scoop up grapes without falling over.
Now I am going to squash this bug crawling across my keyboard, using my immaculate trimmed index finger. One beautiful movement, one less bug.

First Morning Thoughts

What is that thing crawling on my pillow?
Who farted in my mouth?
I could have sworn Jennifer Lawrence was right next to me.
I hope that bump under the blanket is part of my body.
I hope the highlight of my day isn't shampooing my scalp.
Am I late for something?
Which side is safest to roll out?
Did I snort myself awake?
Oh, my neck hurts.
What is my finger doing sticking in there?

Foaming in Anticipation

It's come to this--anticipating my first cup of coffee in the morning makes me foam at the mouth. Retited 11 years, two cups a day times 365 days times 11 years equal 8030 cups. Add in tea and it's easily over 10000 cups.
Knowing all those other adults are at work mid-morning and you're in some coffee house reading and sipping is what retirement is all about. I've reached the poingt where I fearfully anticipate my first pee, praying something comes out. Small victories. As a senior, you've been through so much it's hard to look forward to anything. No real surprises. Especially on Facebook, where everything is fabrication.
This morning my breakfast was egg in a cup with tomato and onion bits. Someday I will take a chance and order a fruit smoothie. Not right away, I have to work up to it. Today I stared at someone's orange juice with lust.  That's stronger than anticipation. Foam accumulates.

Implants

Implants are the answer for frustrated parents. Insert them in every kid so you can monitor them 24/7. Kids are crazy, wild, no control. They are stubborn and talk back. Get those implants early, like four years old. Know where your kids are, what they're doing, who they're with.
Rights? Kids don't have rights. That line of thinking is what caused this parenting mess.
Here is where it gets sticky. What about putting implants in grandparents? Older adults losing cognitive skills. Who get in the car and proceed to get lost. Or what if they get a nutty idea like bungee jumping. A red light flashes on the console you keep handy. You immediately race to them and put the kabash on it. Bridge and bowling, knitting and pool--that is the extent of activities you allow them. Safety first.
If they whine about their freedom, hold back food. They'll come around, believe me.

Mugged

Fred, leader of The Downtown Squirrels, confronted Ozzie.
Where are your nuts, fella?
Ozzie explained: I was mugged by a racoon. He flew out of the bushes, knocked me down, kicked me until I coughed up every nut. Look at these bruises.
Fred snarled, what about the self defense course you took?
Ozzie stared at the ground. My legs cramped. I was out of breath. He took me by surprise.
So you brought back nothing for the group. You are an embarassment. I'm thinking iof kicking you out.
Ozzie suddenly brightened. Wait, I did return with something. I found part of a Twinkie.
Where is it? There's nothing in your pouch. Where did you stash it?
Ozzie smiled sheepishly.
Well, that might be a separate issue.
Then he bent over.

Gel Pens

I bought four more gel pens today. I can't help it. I feel I can do anything with one. All different colors. My doodling has improved ten fold. Just thde feel of it across the page. I can fill notebooks with high end gel.
Regular ballpoints just do not do it for me. I've gifted them to friends who do not understand my obsession. These are the same folks who live for e cigarettes and vaping. Gel pens will write on anything. There is deep sadness when one runs out of ink.
God, the flourishes I create. I must begin hiding them. They are filling my drawers and cabinets. I have no room for soup and veggies. Perhaps I will take out a small storage space.
If I begin writing on my body I will seek help. If I write on your body while you sleep, you have every right to unfriend me.

Author Perks

Writing is its own reward, but there are perks to being a successful author.
The friendships you make.
The exchange of opinions and ideas.
The respect when you enter Arby's.
The free meals and drinks from grateful readers.
The awards and citations.
The legacy you leave behind.
The money deposited in your bank account.
The intense massages from Nerada, Empress of Massage.
The drugs offered to you at high end parties.
The sensual six foot women who throw themselves at you.
The calls from Bezos, Zuckerberg, Gates, and Buffet asking for advice and counsel.
The hugs from strangers.
Even the rash you get from people rubbing your head for good luck.

Yes, one must love writing, but it is not shameful to enjoy all the perks that accompany world wide success.
I wish each of you the same success I've had, and sincerely hope you can keep yourself grounded like I have.

Hammock Challenge

Joe circled his hammock several times, trying to relax. The previous night he spent hours calculating various approaches to getting his body inside this object. He considered angle of launch, his height and body fat, wind and soil conditions, the stationary swing potential of the hammock when hit by a flying object.
He wanted so badly to lay there in the shade reading a soft core porn novel. On eight previous attempts he was thwarted, bouncing to the ground in humiliation.
Now he had had a nutritious breakfast of oatmeal and sausage. He took a jogging leap and flew toward this adversary. Unfortunately, his calculations were thrown off by a gopher hole in his line of attack that threw off his timing. He flew right over the hammock and rolled into his flower bed, all twisted up.
Cecil, his neighbor, looked over the fence and asked if flower garden yoga was a new trend.

Avocado Rage

Manny was fed up with either rock hard avocados or soft, spoiled ones. One day he just snapped and threw the hard ones at the produce clerk and squished the soft ones into guacamole.
People shouted and screamed at first, but then their own anger took over. Anger at melons that never ripened, peaches with rotted cores, wilted celery, bruised fruit, mangoes lacking juice, bacon bits that failed expectations, on and on.
A near riot ensued, with people punching foodstuffs. Police came and made arrests, including Manny.
As he was led away, a woman sobbed, 'at least they didn't attack the cole slaw.'
Manny snarled. 'This isn't over. Not by a long shot. And that includes the potato salad.'