Twisted Greeting Cards

What can I say about your cooking that hasn't already been mentioned in the autopsy report?
Our last hug did not go well and I take full responsibility.
I want to share all your rashes.
That growth on your forehead shouts character.
You are the sand that invades my cracks.
Your bacteria completes me.
In the darkest of winter, your woolen undies warm my scrotum.
Let's honor our commitment by sharing off unneeded hair.
If I had your elegance, I'd crawl through your laundry bag.
I'm so sorry. I thought that was an ashtray.

Greeting Cards

I got a card in the mail from an old penpal of 30 years giving me an update on her life. I tried sending her an email using the address she gave me, but it bounced back. There was no return address on the envelope, so I'll have to search my address book and hope they haven't moved.
Why has everything gotten so complicated?
Thankfully, I found my old transistor radio so I can listen to the ball game in my garage. Stores do not sell these gems anymore. I can't understand why us seniors have to constantly adopt to technology. Why isn't there a franchise called Senior Store, where all the old stuff is sold? I still have a record player and albums. I also have a VHS player I forgot how to use and about 200 VHS tapes nobody wants, not even Salvation Army.
Now I'll have to find her address and an appropriate card. More work, less time to ponder deep issues.