Bad First Sentences

I woke up in a bed full of pus and realized the mother of all butt boils had exploded.
The sensual oatmeal beckoned and Donald shoved his maw down into the mush.
The raccoons closed in, lust in their eyes.
I lost all patience watching Carol remove lint from her elderly dad.
Smoke from the chimney could only mean the family had finally solved the problem of Uncle Jed.
The wise man looked to the sky and uttered one word--dominoes.
The elevator stopped mid floor and the stranger next to me pulled out a gun and demanded to know my stand on hermaphrodites.
When did coughing up phlegm become a competitive sport?

Eyeballs

My art exhibit needs to be ready by January. I have been given space by a coffee house. My work consists of creatures from my imagination. They vaguely resemble earth animals. I hope they don't scare kids. It would be nice if I sold a few.
One thing I realized was some of my creatures lack eyeballs. That's right, eyeballs. Without them there is no point of reference for the viewer. So I must dot them either with white or black paint depending on the surrounding colors.
I am self taught, which means I paint out of boredom. I taught myself to do representational work first, then decided to go abstract. I love shapes and colors and the feeling of brush on canvas. I try to look intense while I paint. In case anyone is watching.
I think women are impressed by artists. We'll see come January.
Actually, I wouldn't mind if a few kids got scared.

Short to Long

Ottoman.
Say again?
Need an ottoman.
And why is that?
Honey, it's my circulation.
I told you to stop smoking.
That is easier said than done, sweetie.
Can't you see I'm on the phone, Lenny?
Is this too much to ask a man's wife?
I'm sick of dragging that ottoman over to you.
Well, I'm sick  of listening you gossip on the phone.
Lenny, since you retired from tree trimming you've been driving me nuts.
Suddenly this is all about your needs when all I ask for is compassion.
You've stolen the best years of my life with your complaining and incessant neediness.
I pray to God every night a lightning bolt will shoot down ending this hell.
I'm calling my lawyer and telling her every detail of every failure you have carelessly created.
I am going to get off this couch and drive straight to the nearest lake and drown.

The Hard Way

Louise traveled to Alaska for adventure, not realizing she would meet the man of her dreams. Onoka, a 6'5 Eskimo with rough skin and strong hands who spoke little English.
She could have just offered herself to him, but she liked challenges. She had to arm wrestle his woman--a solid rock of a lady. Her gym work paid off and after 18 rugged minutes of groaning, she won and the other woman was history.
She went hiking with her man, and hunting with primitive weapons. She killed an antelope with a bow and arrow. Onoka was impressed. But she almost lost everything when, while ice fishing, she caught a big one that dragged her right into the hole. The water was freezing. But her man rescued her by yanking her right out. He lay her spreadeagled on the ice. Even gasping and shivering, she imagined him taking her there, quick and brutal. Instead, she watched him fondling the fish she had caught and cackling madly.
She concluded this courtship might be harder than she thought.

Cooties

I sat on my couch and brought all my cooties together. This isn't working, I said. I can't be your host anymore. Nothing personal. Cooties are what they are. But someone-probably an actor-noticed some of you crawling down my neck. Word got out. My social life has dried up. Employees flee when I enter a restaurant. Librarians look at me askance. Hospitals spray me. My own family has turned away in disgust.
I need to take drastic action. I am giving you your freedom. Find another host. Any questions?
No, I don't know how to reach Gov. Christie. But he would provide much wider grazing territory.

My Dentist

My dentist cancelled my appointment today. He was supposed to put a cap on a tooth. He had an emergency. The receptionist said she called and left a message. I must have been out.
He is from Syria and his female assistant is from Russia. I won't put up a stink because their accents scare me.
I kept my cool and rescheduled. The billing person responded to a question by informing me I saved almost a thousand dollars with my coverage. I still had to pay $536 for the rebuild and crown. It's a sign of my maturity that I drove all the way out there for nothing and kept my temper.
When I got home I checked my answering machine. No message. No indication she had called. I will seek her dismissal. Well, maybe she just dialed the wrong number. She's human. I just hope Syrian rebel forces aren't holding my dentist's family hostage and he had to fly back.

Strange Dream

I woke up and stared at the ceiling
Everything seemed different
A dream of my sixth grade teacher
Young and beautiful
We were touching and kissing
I looked down at my groin
Sticky
What the hell?