Elephant in the Room

Bernice, President of The Friends of the Library, called for attention. We must address the elephant in the room. Who will be sacrificed to the budget council so the library can avoid a cut in funds, which would result in librarians being laid off, fewer book acquisitions, and clogged toilets. As always, we will hold a secret ballot to determine which of us will be the human sacrifice.
In the corner, seated alone, was an elderly man called Flash Fiction Joe. He said little. There were rumors he had cooties. As you might expect, he was selected as the sacrifice. When notified, he didn't change expression. He knew his work would live on long after his demise.
He also knew he had two months to lose ten pounds. It might be a naked sacrifice and he wished to die with a flat stomach.

Cheese Loyalty

For many years I was loyal to American cheese, both white and yellow. Oh, at times I cheated with Swiss or provolone. Guilt drove me back to American.
Then one day at the supermarket, I was feeling restless and bored with myself. I decided to break out of my comfort zone. I grabbed a pack of pepper jack cheese.
It took several days for me to get up enough courage to make a sandwich using that type. I still had one slice of American left and considered throwing it on top of the other. But that would be cowardice. I was ready for new vistas.
Without mustard, I lay three slices onto 12 grain bread. I stared at it. No sandwich spread. I wanted to experience the full flavor. I took a bite and the rest is history.
I simply cannot go back to American. I mean, have you TASTED pepper jack?

Velvet Rope

Sol and Joe saw it in the papers. A celebritory event being held for Robert Goldstein, the write who they helped in their writing group. His memoir, Big Tony and Me, was selling millions. The two men felt they should attend and congratulate him.
When they got there, they found a security guard at the restaurant would not let them into the VIP section, which was roped off. All sorts of celebrities paraded past them. They tried to get his attention, but he was busy being hugged by Charlize Theron.
At one point, Goldstein had to use the facilities. As he approached the rope, Sol and Joe greeted him warmly. He squinted and shook his head. Never saw these guys in my life, he lied to the security person. He then brushed past them.
Sol and Joe were asked to leave, which they did. They walked away, mumbling curses. We were there at the beginning, Sol said. Joe sighed and nodded. At least we got to smell Charlize.

The Watchman

Ernie's job was to make sure the lobsters didn't escape from the tank. He had to keep a sharp eye. Oh, they were sneaky. They would climb atop each other until the top one could climb over the edge. On several occasions Ernie had to chase after them as they sought escape.
Sometimes he tried to make eye contact. He would dance and sing for them, showing compassion. But he was warned not to get too close to any of them. The next day another shipment would replace the previous lobsters.
He had been a watchman for soft shell crabs, who were surprisingly social. He gave them hand signals and they responded by flipping over onto their backs.
There were rumors he might be placed on snail duty. Ernie dreaded the possibility. Snail were aloof. They won't make eye contact. He thinks they actually have an inferiority complex.

Homecoming

The astronauts returned to Earth after decades in space and were greeted as heroes. After the celebrations were over, the head of NASA ordered them to his office.
I must inform you of certain changes while you were gone to ease your adaptation into society. They were all ears.
The Cubs won a World Series. The Red Sox won four.
A family called Kardasian made millions in something called reality TV.
Bruce Jenner is now a woman.
Bill Cosby is in jail. Harvey Weinstein is headed there.
Rith Bader Ginzberg is a rock star.
Coffee machines are worshipped.
There are now free range chickens.
Cameras and movies don't use film.
Frank Sinatra and Elizabeth Taylor are dead.
Netflicks, Amazon, driverless cars, and bots are taking over.
Laptops have replaced friendship. Unions are gone.
Donald Trump is President.
Millions of bees have vanished. People blame Trump.
Silence.
Can I have some water, someone said.

Twitches

Bill's serious head twtich cost him women, friends and jobs, He desperately needed help. While browsing Amazon's self help books, he came across a writer with a long list of books with strange titles. The author photo on the back mesmerized him. It seemed to say, but my book and your twitches vanish.
So he ordered one. When it came, he ripped off the package and began reading. Within seconds his twitching stopped. He leaped in joy. He dicided to attend the Easter parade in NYC. On the subway, he continued reading.
The other riders saw the writer's photo on the back and began twitching as one. Bill noticed this when he reached his stop. Buy the book, he shouted. It will heal you. As soon as he left, all twitching stopped.
Great literature can be magical, but also contain evil in every paragraph.

Shake It Up

Things are stagnant, Marion told her husband, Eddie.Why, he said. I feel like we're in a rut, she replied. We've become predictable. Let's make love right here in the kitchen on the floor.
Now? I'm reading the paper.
Get up and drop trou, fella.
She lay on the kitchen floor and pullred up her dress. And do not channel Dick Cheney.
But that's my go to seducer. That means you can't do Sandra Bullock.
I'm going to be Amy Schumer.
I can't perform if you're her. I need Scarlett Johansson.
I'll do her, but you must come up with someone special.
Eddie mounted her, knowing the pressure was on. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
Alright, alright, alright, he repeated in a drawl.
Oh, Eddie. You did Mathew. If only you had beard stubble.