Hurricane Displacement

The damage was immense. Entire buildings moved from one spot to another. The drugstore in K Mart's lot. K Mart blown into the river. Trader Joe's slammed into a mountainside. A hair salon blown into a palm readers home. An entire strip mall vanished. The police station sandwiched between DPW and a firehouse. A bus depot went flying into a Marriot hotel .Boy Scouts on a camping trip lost their tents and scoutmaster who was found in a dumpster.
All the municipal offices were squashed into pancakes. Dogs and cats may still be air born. A Best Buy wound up blocking the flooded highway and Geek Squad members wandered around in a daze.
The library was demolished, leaving several librarians blown into a giant sign advertising homemade fritters.
A few days later the local high school football team played in front of 10000 citizens because, miraculously, the field was untouched. Football heals all wounds.

Great Minds

Great Minds Inc. created pre-recorded messages, the elliptical machine, Spanks, self flushing toilets, electric flossing sticks and hands free vibrators.
At their yearly convention, inventor Carl Anders introduced his concept of reversible underwear, designed to cut laundry costs in half. Carol Lemon presented her creation edible foam to help fight world hunger.
We taught owls how to stay up in trees without falling and parrots to yodel. We brought Spam into this century by combining it with Jello, creating an indescribable taste.
In literature, we created flash fiction with the aid of its master Joe Del Priore. Genius comes in so many forms.
Now we are working on disposable irony.

Debate Team

Our debate team was crushing the opposition. The audience gasped at our logic and arguments. The topic was fracking and we were for it. The others were conservationists. We pointed out gas prices would skyrocket without fracking. Our leader pounded the table and stated if he wanted to drive to Ohio for no reason, he should be allowed.
The audience applauded. It was all over.
Except for Alice, who sobbed, I'm pregnant and I don't want my child to grow up in a world of fracking. We looked at each other. The judges wiped away tears and awarded the victory to them. Cheaters, we yelled. Appealing to emotions is against the rules. But the ruling stood.
Outside, Alice came up to us cackling. I'm not really pregnant, she said. Then she skipped away.
I'm voting Republican.

Starting Over

At some point the workers on The Leaning Tower of Piza had to take a step back and recognize it was time to start over. The calculations were off.
Italy attacked Ethiopia in 1939 for reasons that remain a mystery. With all their fire power, and the natives having little more than rocks and spears, Italy was driven out. We need to start over and attack Holland, the generals decided before Mussolini put an end to that nonsense.
The human spirit is always looking forward and seeking achievement, except my friend Elizabeth, who is always depressed and shows it. Every day is Monday to her. She needs inspiration. Darts, pool, Parcheesi.
Someday she will wake coughing up phlegm at age 86 and realize it's too late to start over.

Elegance Personified

Everyone points to Audrey Hepburn. Or Cary Grant. I prefer John Wayne's lopsided gait, Bogart smoking, the exquisite absurdity of Steve Martin and Martin Short. Can you imagine Lauren Baall burping? That is elegance.
Elegance to me means high end gel pens that swirl and loop across the page. I feel like Henry James when I use them. My posture is elegant. When I walk across the room people notice. Even bending to pick something up I am graceful. I'd like to see Audrey scoop up grapes without falling over.
Now I am going to squash this bug crawling across my keyboard, using my immaculate trimmed index finger. One beautiful movement, one less bug.

First Morning Thoughts

What is that thing crawling on my pillow?
Who farted in my mouth?
I could have sworn Jennifer Lawrence was right next to me.
I hope that bump under the blanket is part of my body.
I hope the highlight of my day isn't shampooing my scalp.
Am I late for something?
Which side is safest to roll out?
Did I snort myself awake?
Oh, my neck hurts.
What is my finger doing sticking in there?

Foaming in Anticipation

It's come to this--anticipating my first cup of coffee in the morning makes me foam at the mouth. Retited 11 years, two cups a day times 365 days times 11 years equal 8030 cups. Add in tea and it's easily over 10000 cups.
Knowing all those other adults are at work mid-morning and you're in some coffee house reading and sipping is what retirement is all about. I've reached the poingt where I fearfully anticipate my first pee, praying something comes out. Small victories. As a senior, you've been through so much it's hard to look forward to anything. No real surprises. Especially on Facebook, where everything is fabrication.
This morning my breakfast was egg in a cup with tomato and onion bits. Someday I will take a chance and order a fruit smoothie. Not right away, I have to work up to it. Today I stared at someone's orange juice with lust.  That's stronger than anticipation. Foam accumulates.