Dance Challenged

Why can't I dance?
I'm a reasonably athletic guy. I go to the gym. I was good at sports as a kid. I'm comfortable with my body. People in my family can dance like banshees. Friends invite me places where dancing is required. I stand in the corner praying no one will ask me to cut a rug. I can't even scratch a place mat.
It's always been like this. I'm sure I would have been more popular in high school if I could do something resembling a series of moves. I watched the teen dance shows growing up and tried to imitate the participants. Whenever I checked myself in the mirror I resembled someone having an aneurism. I just cannot stay with the beat. I don't even clap on the beat. I thrust my hips, roll my shoulders, jerk my head, fling my arms out, snap my fingers. Scary. At least Martin Short's character, Ed, can shimmy.
My dance grunts are ineffective and sound unhealthy. Yes, I freeze up, but I do that at the urinal and still manage an acceptable pee. Maybe if I took Asian self defense I could incorporate some of those moves. Gene Kelly had to start somewhere. Maybe he took judo lessons and went from there.
Great female dancers are the stuff of fantasy, especially if they sweat. I was thinking of going commando and seeing if that stimulates coordination, helps me toss away self consciousness. Of course I'd have to forgo the limbo. Don't want to frighten anyone.