Loosen Up

The Pope took a bite of his cheeseburger in front of 300 media people. He chewed slowly.
"Loosen up, everyone. I sense you're tense. That's the problem with our religion. Too many rules. I can't even keep up. We're losing the faithful. Only Third World countries still believe because they've got nothing but the afterlife to look forward to.
We need to relax our policy toward certain hot button topics, like gay marriage, abortion, transsexuals, transgenders, bisexuals, hermaphrodites, eunuchs, men with lopsided testicles, making the Sign of the Cross left handed, on and on. We need some leeway.
How about Ten Strong Suggestions? Do we really need Seven Sacraments? Extreme Unction? Even I don't know what that is. A priest giving Last Rites? Really. You're dead, you were a sinner, good luck with that."
The Pontiff took another huge bite and the gathered hoard waited with baited breath.
"Why not substitute Holy Seltzer? Lemon lime. What about a caramel rice cake instead of those dry Communion wafers that stick to the roof of your mouth and you have to un-stick Our Savior with your index finger? We have to think out of the box. Mass should include cuddling. Too much sitting, standing, kneeling. Let people bring in lounge chairs. The same old hymns are boring. Play a Josh Groban CD.
No one tells the truth in Confession. The priest probably recognizes you. Why not tell God directly and let the chips fall where they may? It would create more time for our clergy to form singing groups like the Southern Baptists. Those folks rock.
Questions?"
He finished his burger with a gulp and took a big swallow of diet Pepsi.