Proof Reading Error

I was proof reading a bio of Eleanor Roosevelt and came across some errors.
She was not 6'7, weighing 260 pounds. She did not have psoriasis, nor a boil on her chin. She did not speak in tongues, was not raised in Borneo and did not spend her youth wrestling alligators.
She did not beat out Lucille Ball in auditions for a tv series, only to withdraw when her skin problem acted up. She did not tour the country after Franklin died, playing Harriet Tubman.
This is all inaccurate information. The author says he got it from on line sources. She deserves better. Plus, he kept spelling poppycock wrong. What a mess
And Mrs. Roosevelt never did Mr. Coffee commercials to stave off bankruptcy.

Words to Live By

I smell gas
Get away from that ditch
That is not a squirrel, Bobby
When I squat something leaks
Son, that's a power saw
Let's talk this out officer
That thing sure has lots of suction
I told you to flush twice
Hiccups are not a means of communication
Belches are borderline language
Compound fractures build character
Writers should do less talking and more listening
How many celebrities did you outlive this year?

Lost Sock

I was sorting my dried laundry and realized I was missing a sock. I hoped I didn't leave it in the dryer where sock thieves prowl. I finally found it lying on the bathroom floor behind the door, Evidently, it never made it to the wash.I was careless unloading the hamper.
What do I do? If I just toss it back into the hamper and wait a week for the next cycle, will the clean sock wonder if its partner deserted it? If I attach it to the clean one and pretend it was washed, who will know? I will and so will the clean sock. Socks can sense these things.
If I wear the fraudulent pair, do I risk getting a fungus of some sort from the germ ridden sock? Either way I will probably lose the trust and respect of the clean sock.
I see no way out here.
I live alone, by the way.

Vegetarian

Do I look like a vegetarian? Not when I wear my plaid woolen shirts, work boots and my tool belt. I am mistaken for a jack of all trades lumberjack. Sophisticated women think I'm rough at the edges and untamed and pursue me relentlessly.
Truthfully, I'm an intellectual with an inquiring mind who can spot a veggie person from miles away. They are always lecturing us on the danger of red meat. They read New Age magazines with funny titles. They host boring barbecues. They secretly crave protein and shovel spoonfuls of raw hemp seeds into their stomach. Their farts smell different.
The earth would be overrun with animals if we followed their lead.
Excuse me, I have to leave. It's muskrat hunting season. Got to trim that herd.
Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Christmas Card

I have an extra Christmas card. I bought it to give to one person, but now I'm not sure if I want to give it. I don't know her that well. She might get annoyed. I considered giving it to someone else I hardly know, but the same concern reared its head.
I could take it back and get a refund. But what if the clerk asked why? I'd have to make up a story on the spot, which I don't do well. I could save it until next year, but I might be dead by then. I could give it to the mailman or super, but I'd have to include money.
Maybe I should leave it in someone's mailbox anonymously. But there's surveillance all over and it would be traced back to me.
This is a problem, but not as big as buying socks in October I realize I don't need. Maybe I could give them to my brother or nephew as a gift. Is that considered cheap? How would you know? You're too cheap to buy any of my 14 books.

Clogged Drain

The drain in my kitchen sink is slow. Water just lays there for minutes before vanishing. I can hear gurgling. I tried using a plastic snake, but it snapped at the handle and now that is stuck in the drain, further complicating the problem. I did some cleaning and rinsed out rags in the sink and now I realize that was a mistake. Dirt can be thick and accumulates. Plus I brush my teeth in the kitchen because I have a new bathroom vanity and I don't want toothpaste stains in there like my previous sink.
I will ask the super for the number of our condo plumber. Maybe the condo will pay for it. I wish I could just lift the drain cover off and grab whatever is blocking water. I also tried drain opener to no avail.
I'll tell you this--I will not stop brushing my teeth.

Snowballs

Tension mounts every year as winter approaches. Can I still make a decent snowball under pressure? Kids suddenly attack. I'm alone. Snow is all around me. Can I put together a viable defense? I used to be able to combine snow and slush into a def con type weapon. My aim was quick and deadly. My arm strength second to none.
Back in the day, ambushes were common. Getting pummeled by organized attacks was something everyone feared. Now, towns have laws against it. The streets are safer, but way more boring. Running away was never an option. You would never live it down.
I had rules. Never ambush a kid under eight. After eight they can take a hit.  Don't gloat. Attack, engage and disappear.
I need to exercise my hands and fingers. Practice on clay. Do chin ups and curls. Head to the snowball throwing range, where for $10 you receive 50 snowballs to practice with.
The sky tells me winter is here. And so the war continues.

Glue

I thought this would be easy. I peeled off the wallpaper and figured now I can paint. No. There is backing paper that had to be sprayed with special mixture to loosen it. Then other paper backing the backing paper. Then the glue had to come off using a steam machine.
Then I discover previous owners painted the wall orange. I would need to apply primer before the first coat of paint. I'm sitting in my recliner after three hours of work waiting for my sister in law to finish taking off the glue. The new linoleum and blinds lay on the floor in my living room. She is in her ninth hour and just won't stop. Tomorrow she won't be able to move
Of course the super will come to remove the old dishwasher and comment on how much speckling needs to be done. My brother will offer his two cents. I don't care I need this renovation to happen even if it means reviving my sister in law with oxygen.

Satan Says

My hooves are killing me. My back is on fire. No pun intended. Carrying around human souls is heavy lifting. Especially poets, whose souls weigh a good 50 pounds. Some barter with me. Fame and fortune in exchange for their soul.
Prose writers just shrug and say take what you need. After my last novel I'm going to hell anyway. Dancers plead, artists threaten me, photogs want a selfie. Politicians are all about the deal. Lawyers ask what took you so long?
Ah, there's a poet over by that podium getting ready to expound. Hey, Billie! Billie Collins! Over here. Yeah, it's your time. Oh alright, I'll let you do one more reading. I'll grab a cup of java. Just don't go running off. My hooves hurt as it is and I just may vaporize you out of spite.
A deal is a deal.
Incidentally, Castro's soul is stinking up the place.