Do I look like a vegetarian? Not when I wear my plaid woolen shirts, work boots and my tool belt. I am mistaken for a jack of all trades lumberjack. Sophisticated women think I'm rough at the edges and untamed and pursue me relentlessly.
Truthfully, I'm an intellectual with an inquiring mind who can spot a veggie person from miles away. They are always lecturing us on the danger of red meat. They read New Age magazines with funny titles. They host boring barbecues. They secretly crave protein and shovel spoonfuls of raw hemp seeds into their stomach. Their farts smell different.
The earth would be overrun with animals if we followed their lead.
Excuse me, I have to leave. It's muskrat hunting season. Got to trim that herd.
Is that a cucumber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
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