The Zen of Geese

I was riddled with anxiety.I feared getting out of bed. Everything was a threat.
One day, sitting on a park bench, I was approached by a goose. It looked me up and down.
What is it? I asked. You look like a nervous wreck, it said.
I nodded and explained I had a lot of issues. It extended its neck in disdain. Your problem is ypu are not living in the moment, sir. You regret the past and fear the future.
I scratched my chin and asked it to elaborate.
Study any goose, it began. We waddle on land at our own pace. We swim and cool off. We find food on the ground, copulate and defecate on the walkway when we feel like it. We don't get depressed or have breakdowns. You should imitate the water fowl in front of you.
What about ducks, I asked.
Ducks are screwed up, always on edge, ready to explode. Frogs are dumb and disinterested. Lizards you can't trust. Fish crash into each other. Geese know the secret.
It sounds hard, I said.
Just do it. Don't think of consequences and what others say. Be at one with the universe.
Right then, I needed a bowel movement. The goose stared at me as a challenge. I stood up and dropped my pants. My friend John walked by and commented, Zen, very Zen. The goose turned and waddled away.

Gym Class

Every year we did square dancing in gym. I was awful. No coordination. Wrong direction, wrong arm, wrong moves. The gym teacher told me to sit and watch.
The positive aspect here was getting to hold the sweaty palm of a girl. Afterward, in the locker room, I would secretly sniff my palm. My therapist thinks that is the root of my issues with women.When I hear fiddle music my arousal temperature soars. The caller shouts swing your partner and I shudder with excitement. The glory days of high school.
After I graduated they instituted clog dancing. I guess adults finally made the connection between teen sex orgies and square dancing. Clog dancing is more effective than birth control.

Used Gum

Why does gum have to lose its taste so quickly? How can we extend the tangy experience? My chemist friend, Alonso, worked on that very problem. He mixed chewed gum into a beaker of chemicals. They needed volunteers to chew the previously chewed gum. I wasn't easy getting them, but eventually he did.
Every one of them emerged from the test room smiling and chewing. Alonso was overjoyed. He was ready to market this product when reports came in telling of side effects.
Boils appeared. Some spoke Mandarin. Walked backwards. Yodeled. Smelled like dill pickles. Teeth fell out and gums bled.
The great success was a mirage. I switched to Tic Tacs. Just let them dissolve and experience ecstasy.
Although, I always wanted to speak Mandarin.

Cary Grant's Slippers

I bought Cary Grant's slippers at an auction and they fit perfectly.I took a walk and women swooned. My posture was better, my smile bigger. At my coffee shop I spoke in an English accent and gracefully sipped my brew. I ordered a croissant, not a bagel. I said Good Day and Beautiful Morning. I nodded and chuckled. I never chuckle.
For no reason I rose and did a skipping dance right out the door. People applauded. I just knew as long as I wore these slippers I'd never cut myself shaving or pass wind. I changed the part in my hair. I think I'm getting a dimple.
Obviously, I have to get a tux.
Oh, I've stopped wearing socks with said slippers.

The Secret

Ellen left our group early. She is quiet and modest and comes from money. I did my homework. I needed help to pull this off. Keith is as greedy as me, so he agreed.
In the hall of the library he waited until her back was turned and stuck a needle in, leaving her knocked out. He supported her as they walked right out the front door. Took her to a garage and tied her up. He used a burner phone to contact her parents and demand a ransom.
They want to know if they can pay in bitcoins. Keith and I are stumped.
We want to ask Ellen for her opinion, but she's napping.
This was unforeseen and problematic.
Plus, Keith can't find the needle.

We Walk On These

Really failed meat loaf
Slow moving ants
Elderly napping on rugs
Sidewalk graffiti
Escalators
Goose crap
People's rights
The other guy's dumb logic
The moon when we still cared
Well worn paths leading to evil

Military Diet

My doctor put me on this diet three days a week. He wants me to lose 16 pounds. This is the diet they use on The Biggest Loser.
It would be a lot easier if I had someone to talk to at night when I do most of my snacking.I don't know how soldiers on this diet have the energy to attack any country. Maybe Ethiopia.
Hot dogs without buns. Meat the size of a deck of cards. One slice of bread. Half a banana. Three scoops of ice cream. Half a can of tuna. I can see myself chewing on my own arm.
I will go for my next visit and explain my issue. It will be humiliating. Failure will dominate my voice and posture.
However, getting completely naked and standing on my scale makes my day.

At the Podium

Fellow citizens, this country is now $20 trillion in debt. We must think outside the box.
Sell Alaska. Sell Guam. Sell the air space over Gov. Christie. Sell Puert Rico and the Virgin Islands. Hell, sell Long Island. We already have New Jersey.
Do we really need five Great Lakes. Sell them to Canada. Sell some of our poets to Third World countries. Sell a few of our celebrities. Larry King, Ray Romano, Cloris Leachman, Ryan Seacrest, Michael Strahan.
There must be some rivers we can spare. All those gazebos covered with bird crap--gone.
How will our kids deal with this debt? They may just start selling senior citizens.

New Challenges

Buffalo Bill was bored. Shooting buffaloes was too easy. He tried macrame, but was all thumbs. Hair styling didn't fulfill his needs. Neither did physical therapy.
Meanwhile, the buffalo population increased. People begged him to return to his former occupation. He was entranced by ballroom dancing.
One day a herd of buffaloes attacked a book festival, trampling authors. Only Mark twain survived. Bill was accused of abrogating his responsibility. Finally he agreed, but only if he was allowed to design his own outfits. And so it came to pass that his quest for new challenges was short circuited.
But he wore boots to die for.

Mass Exodus

I was born to dance. I love Union Square Park. Put those two together and you have a performance for the ages. I was graceful and elegant even as a child upchucking. My destiny was chosen for me.
One day I changed into my spandex body suit at the Barnes & Noble across from the park. I marched right to the open space, drawing attention from the protesters, chess players, busking musicians, commuters and those holding Free Hugs signs.
I threw my whole being into the movement. Arms flailing, leaping, crouching, whirling, splitting, heaving my lithe body from one improvised move to another. I heard scream of excitement from the crowd.
Actually, later on in the back seat of a police car, I realized they were screams of horror. How could they turn on me? No matter. Genius will not be denied.
My next target is Washington Square Park. By the water fountain, where liberals congregate.
There will be no mass exodus. Only applause.

In the Monkey House

What do you want to do today?
Why don't we toss feces at humans?
We did that yesterday.
Let's make high pitched squeals that mean nothing.
Yeah  and grab our privates.
Instead of leaping around,
why not do a freeze frame
I can't go ten seconds without scratching myself
Can I groom you?
I don't need it.
Yes, you do. I see lint.
We're naked.
I know what I see.
What about a line dance or making a pyramid?
There's only two of us.
You are one serious buzz kill.
What's that you're doing?
Picking my nose.
Where did you learn that?
Guess.

Drives Me Crazy

Drivers who don't signal
Smoke alarms go off while cooking
Butt crack itch
My safari hat sliding down
Tiny barking dogs
Someone sitting next to me
Public speakers who cannot form a sentence
Inability to match clothes
Running out of clothespins and intelligent conversation
Parents who complain about being parents