The Sharper Image

Lois was lonely. She wandered through malls, staring into store windows, trying to make eye contact with anyone. She came upon The Sharper Image place, a company that specializes in selling high tech objects to people with way too much money. Things like scales that weigh you while playing old Al Martino songs.
     In one section were three male robots, designed strictly for companionship. Lonnie, the salesman, led her over. He could tell she was lonely from her expression.
     Now here is an interesting model on sale for $129.99. We call it The Carl. Push that on button and listen. She did as told. Carl, short, stocky, with a round head and cherubic smile, began speaking. "We are The Write Group, and we have over 30 events every month designed to develop writing skills and speaking skills. We have day and night events, Sunday events, field trips, seminars, our own t-shirt and special handshake. If you give me your email I'll add you to our mailing list."
     Lois hit the off button. Does it ever stop speaking, she asked. Lonnie shook his head. The rumor is its programmer had a nervous breakdown during the coding. That's why it's on sale.
     They moved to the next bot, a thoughtful looking, professorial type with kind eyes and a graying ponytail. This is The John, Lonnie said. Lois pressed the on button, expecting quiet philosophy.
     "I like to ground cadaver bones into dust and feed them to my pet armadillo. Sometimes I bite myself just to see how fast the blood pours out. Aliens kidnapped my little sister and ate her vital organs, except for the pancreas, which I keep in a freezer in the basement."
     Lois hit the off button and shuddered. I don't think so, she whispered.
     One bot remained. Lonnie noticed she seemed more excited. This was a strikingly handsone figure, muscular, almost godlike. Lois pressed the button and took a breath.
     "Good day. My name is Joe. As you can see, I can attract any woman I want. But I choose you, young lady. Take me home and you won't be sorry."
      He said not a word more. Lois paid $499.99 and carried it out with some difficulty, her hands cupping his sculpted buttocks. Her expression had changed.