In my practice as a dragon consultant I come across a wide range of issues. Inability to reach high altitude or speeds. Honking instead of roaring. Skin flaking off. Allergies.
But the main problem is inability to maintain high level fire breathing.
They initially emit one long stream of flame, which quickly dissipates into smoke and ashes. Female dragons turn away in disgust. Premature ignition is treatable, however.
I try to get them to relax and imagine continuous molten nostril flames. Sometimes I prescribe supplements. If I determine the nostril opening is too constricted, I send them to a specialist.
The quest for optimums strength and endurance in dragon performance is a developing field. Without the threat of incinerating anything and everything, how do dragons fit in our society?
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Hand Towel King
I checked my linen closet and realized I needed hand towels. Ihad accumulated 42 bed, Bath and Beyond coupons, none of which ever expire. So I took a $5 off $15 purchase one with me.
I wandered around the store for a few minutes before finding a table in the back with severely discounted hand towels. This is a talent I have always had. Call it instinct, genes, whatever. There were no other customers around.
I grabbed a pack of four for $9.99 and added another for $5.99, a total of $15.98. At the register I was told the $5.99 towel was on sale for $3.99, which left me a buck short for the coupon. Did I panic? Flush? Stomp my foot? No. I calmly went to the candy section and took a Reeses Buttercup for $1.09, which put me back over the $15 mark.
So I got five top of the line hand towels and a pack of Reeses for a bit over $10. Believe me, if I could teach you this gift to make your life a bit easier, I would. But there are some things you just cannot teach.
I wandered around the store for a few minutes before finding a table in the back with severely discounted hand towels. This is a talent I have always had. Call it instinct, genes, whatever. There were no other customers around.
I grabbed a pack of four for $9.99 and added another for $5.99, a total of $15.98. At the register I was told the $5.99 towel was on sale for $3.99, which left me a buck short for the coupon. Did I panic? Flush? Stomp my foot? No. I calmly went to the candy section and took a Reeses Buttercup for $1.09, which put me back over the $15 mark.
So I got five top of the line hand towels and a pack of Reeses for a bit over $10. Believe me, if I could teach you this gift to make your life a bit easier, I would. But there are some things you just cannot teach.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
The Happiness Bully
Ted was a serious person. He glowered and walked with his head down thinking serious thoughts. This was, after all, a serious world.
The happiness concept eluded him. He was content to be content. He valued gravitas, the weight of his contemplations. He had no time for jocularity.
Until Maria entered his life.
In the park, deep in thought, he never noticed her cavorting in the grass, twirling, arms outstretched, head tilted back.
One day she began singing in a beautiful, glorious voice. "The hills are alive with the sound of music. With songs they have sung for a thousand years."
Ted looked around. There were no hills anywhere.
Maria pranced over to him and dragged him onto the grassy area, singing all the while.
Before he realized it, he was spinning, dancing and singing along. At one point he tried to smile, but it hurt his cheeks.
Suddenly he pulled away from her in dismay. I cannot do this, he protested. It is destroying my train of thought.
No thoughts, just feeling, Maria responded. She had a strong grip and wrestled him to the ground where she pinned him until he surrendered. There they lay, staring up at a perfect blue sky, singing from their hearts, ebullience in the air.
Until a park ranger came and chased them off the grass.
The happiness concept eluded him. He was content to be content. He valued gravitas, the weight of his contemplations. He had no time for jocularity.
Until Maria entered his life.
In the park, deep in thought, he never noticed her cavorting in the grass, twirling, arms outstretched, head tilted back.
One day she began singing in a beautiful, glorious voice. "The hills are alive with the sound of music. With songs they have sung for a thousand years."
Ted looked around. There were no hills anywhere.
Maria pranced over to him and dragged him onto the grassy area, singing all the while.
Before he realized it, he was spinning, dancing and singing along. At one point he tried to smile, but it hurt his cheeks.
Suddenly he pulled away from her in dismay. I cannot do this, he protested. It is destroying my train of thought.
No thoughts, just feeling, Maria responded. She had a strong grip and wrestled him to the ground where she pinned him until he surrendered. There they lay, staring up at a perfect blue sky, singing from their hearts, ebullience in the air.
Until a park ranger came and chased them off the grass.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
New Modells
A new Modells just opened. I missed the first day offer of a gift card for the first 100 shoppers. I forgot about it and overslept. But I didn't hang my head. I went in the afternoon and got sneakers 35% off, including my senior discount. That's right. Modells has a 10% senior discount only a few of us know about. Tomorrow morning I will be there bright and early with my hand out. Free gift cards are gold. Plus I'm in their MVP rewards program and only need 148 more points to get a $20 certificate.
I will find something to buy, believe it.
Where is this new opening? Like I'm really going to tell you. I'll be home before the snow hits. That's the way the world works.
I will find something to buy, believe it.
Where is this new opening? Like I'm really going to tell you. I'll be home before the snow hits. That's the way the world works.
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Aliens and Runway Models
Kathy, the only high fashion runway model left after the aliens attacked, scurried along back streets, hunched over, trying not to look so tall. Evidently there was a shortage of models on the invaders planet. None of these warriors was over three feet tall.
She hugged Gerald, her teddy, which served as a comfort, especially when she modeled for Karl Lagerfeld, who resembled a demon. All of the model apartment houses were destroyed. The rest of the poulace was left alone and didn't seem alarmed at the disappearance of these models. They went about their business, waiting for buses, going to school, shopping, etc.
Suddenly a door flew open in a dark alley. An elderly man stuck out his head and whispered, Come inside, you'll be safe here.
My name is Joe and I'm a writer who appreciates high fashion runway models. She hesitated and that was her mistake. A high powered beam fired from the sky rendered her frozen. Kathy was about to find a new home among tiny creatures who worshiped those over six feet who weighed less than 105 pounds.
She hugged Gerald, her teddy, which served as a comfort, especially when she modeled for Karl Lagerfeld, who resembled a demon. All of the model apartment houses were destroyed. The rest of the poulace was left alone and didn't seem alarmed at the disappearance of these models. They went about their business, waiting for buses, going to school, shopping, etc.
Suddenly a door flew open in a dark alley. An elderly man stuck out his head and whispered, Come inside, you'll be safe here.
My name is Joe and I'm a writer who appreciates high fashion runway models. She hesitated and that was her mistake. A high powered beam fired from the sky rendered her frozen. Kathy was about to find a new home among tiny creatures who worshiped those over six feet who weighed less than 105 pounds.
The Contract
Morris ignored the revelers around him and drowned his sorrows in drink. He didn't remember what bar he'd stopped at, nor did he care if it was St. Patrick's Day. His novel had been rejected by 22 agents. He was a failure.
Someone tapped his shoulder. An old drunk. Morris gave him a five dollar bill and mumbled leave me alone. The man returned the money.
I have a proposition, he slurred. I don't go that way, Morris said. The man shook his head. Come, let's sit at a booth and I'll explain. They had barely settled in when the man pushed a sheaf of pappers toward him.
It's a contract, he said. Give it a read. The print is too small, Morris responded. The man sighed and burped. In a nutshell, you give me your soul, you get your book published.
Morris laughed cynically. Satan as a drunk. I don't think so.
I am not Satan. I'm his emissary and I'm 14 souls short of my quota. Sign the contract, please.
Morris thought a moment. Will I get foreign sales and movie rights from the book.
Yes, of course.
Will Ryan Gosling play me?
Well, we already own his soul. How do you think he got this far? Yes.
Morris signed. The man threw up on his shoe.
My bad. I'll throw in a new pair. By the way. You need to get rid of some of those adverbs. Satan has standards too.
Someone tapped his shoulder. An old drunk. Morris gave him a five dollar bill and mumbled leave me alone. The man returned the money.
I have a proposition, he slurred. I don't go that way, Morris said. The man shook his head. Come, let's sit at a booth and I'll explain. They had barely settled in when the man pushed a sheaf of pappers toward him.
It's a contract, he said. Give it a read. The print is too small, Morris responded. The man sighed and burped. In a nutshell, you give me your soul, you get your book published.
Morris laughed cynically. Satan as a drunk. I don't think so.
I am not Satan. I'm his emissary and I'm 14 souls short of my quota. Sign the contract, please.
Morris thought a moment. Will I get foreign sales and movie rights from the book.
Yes, of course.
Will Ryan Gosling play me?
Well, we already own his soul. How do you think he got this far? Yes.
Morris signed. The man threw up on his shoe.
My bad. I'll throw in a new pair. By the way. You need to get rid of some of those adverbs. Satan has standards too.
My Life as a Rockette
My whole body ached from last night's performance. In fifteen minutes I'd have to do it all over again.
I could barely don my black mesh stockings. I was the idiot who sued Radio City music Hall for discrimination in their hiring practices. I won. Now the whole process was completely open--gender, age, height, weight made no difference.
So here I am, a 46 year old man trying to fit into heels way too small. I get no sympathy from my peers. Ann tells me to stop whining and grow a pair. Ellen hugged me for allowing her to audition. Ellen is 4 feet eleven. I hate Sylvia and Francine, whose legs go on forever.
I stood unsteadily. George limped past. His hamstring had pulled again. Four kicks and he's useless. At least I'm sucking it up. Where's the Vaseline for my teeth so I can keep smiling?
I could barely don my black mesh stockings. I was the idiot who sued Radio City music Hall for discrimination in their hiring practices. I won. Now the whole process was completely open--gender, age, height, weight made no difference.
So here I am, a 46 year old man trying to fit into heels way too small. I get no sympathy from my peers. Ann tells me to stop whining and grow a pair. Ellen hugged me for allowing her to audition. Ellen is 4 feet eleven. I hate Sylvia and Francine, whose legs go on forever.
I stood unsteadily. George limped past. His hamstring had pulled again. Four kicks and he's useless. At least I'm sucking it up. Where's the Vaseline for my teeth so I can keep smiling?
Those Were the Days
I found a parking space in Hoboken, which is like spotting an alien. Years ago, Castro drove out many Cubans, who settled in Hudson County. Parking disappeared.
Yes, we had more restaurants, discount stores, boutiques, up tempo music, dance halls, parades and festivals, all those languages and smells and culture.
But what good is all this if you have to walk to them?
Sure, we have buses, the light rail, taxis. But I didn't finish in the top 20% of my class to ride buses.
Although, I must admit pizza cravings are easily satisfied with many open late. Charming lady stylists who don't speak much English give me short haircuts and even trim my eyebrows for $12. Plus tip.
Sometimes they'll shampoo me.
When Europeans dominated the populace, try finding a German barber who will go anywhere near your eyebrows.
Yes, we had more restaurants, discount stores, boutiques, up tempo music, dance halls, parades and festivals, all those languages and smells and culture.
But what good is all this if you have to walk to them?
Sure, we have buses, the light rail, taxis. But I didn't finish in the top 20% of my class to ride buses.
Although, I must admit pizza cravings are easily satisfied with many open late. Charming lady stylists who don't speak much English give me short haircuts and even trim my eyebrows for $12. Plus tip.
Sometimes they'll shampoo me.
When Europeans dominated the populace, try finding a German barber who will go anywhere near your eyebrows.
Asking For Help
People stop me on the street to ask for help. I look like that kind of guy. Where's MOMA? Are my buttons in line? Was Freud right? Exactly how many Kardashians are there? Can one put ketchup on a burrito?
I decided to profit from my expertise by renting a storefront and posting a sign that said Ask Me Anything.
My first customer was an illustrator who had lost his mojo. All I draw is clowns and unicorns, he moaned. What is the meaning of my life?
I asked what his father did. He was in wall and floor covering, the man responded. I nodded and said, clowns and unicorns put a smile on people's faces. Wallpaper doesn't. He beamed and hugged me. On his way out, a thought occurred to me.
On the other hand, I called, nothing quite compares to a soft, plush rug. He broke down in tears, staggering away.
The woman who came in next asked me if wide shoulders is still a viable fashion statement. She idolized Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck. I told her looking like a strong, independent woman will never go out of style. I prayed she wouldn't ask a culotte question. I've always been ambivalent about culottes.
I decided to profit from my expertise by renting a storefront and posting a sign that said Ask Me Anything.
My first customer was an illustrator who had lost his mojo. All I draw is clowns and unicorns, he moaned. What is the meaning of my life?
I asked what his father did. He was in wall and floor covering, the man responded. I nodded and said, clowns and unicorns put a smile on people's faces. Wallpaper doesn't. He beamed and hugged me. On his way out, a thought occurred to me.
On the other hand, I called, nothing quite compares to a soft, plush rug. He broke down in tears, staggering away.
The woman who came in next asked me if wide shoulders is still a viable fashion statement. She idolized Joan Crawford and Barbara Stanwyck. I told her looking like a strong, independent woman will never go out of style. I prayed she wouldn't ask a culotte question. I've always been ambivalent about culottes.
Elastic Obsessive
I was entranced by the Elastic Shop to the point where I was spending almost my whole paycheck on elastic products. My wife told me I needed help. What if the elastic on my underwear snaps? I have plenty of back up. She stubbornly insisted I could just buy new underwear. Amazing.
Let's discuss rubber bands for a moment. Can we ever have enough? I love The Rubber Band Cafe, where they serve coffe, tea and pastries while you consider various size rubber bands. Hey, if I smoked, drank or gambled, that's where my money would go. Instead, I've focused on healthy pursuits.
Why am I squirming. My friend Josie stitched on new elastic to my underwear after the old one snapped, but she purposely made it too tight. The last two times we had lunch I left her to pick up the tab. What a memory on that woman.
Let's discuss rubber bands for a moment. Can we ever have enough? I love The Rubber Band Cafe, where they serve coffe, tea and pastries while you consider various size rubber bands. Hey, if I smoked, drank or gambled, that's where my money would go. Instead, I've focused on healthy pursuits.
Why am I squirming. My friend Josie stitched on new elastic to my underwear after the old one snapped, but she purposely made it too tight. The last two times we had lunch I left her to pick up the tab. What a memory on that woman.
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Veiled Threat
I love making veiled threats. Sometimes I'll wear an actual veil while doing it. My favorite targets are the weak and helpless. I know just enough about them to make these threats plausible. They will look at me with fear and confusion. What really baffles them is when they've done nothing to incur my wraith.
I'm not looking to blackmail anyone. I just like the feeling of power. I try to emulate James Spader's expression on The Blacklist--hooded eyes, lips cruelly curled, nostrils flared. Actually I'm not certain he flares his, but I sure can.
You have to deal the cards in your favor in this vicious world. Scruples are fine if you can afford good lawyers and spin doctors. But instilling fear, putting someone on edge, making them question their total behavior, this is where the game is won.
Now if someone makes a veiled threat against me, I give them my Kevin Spacey glare. Let your imagination do the rest.
I'm not looking to blackmail anyone. I just like the feeling of power. I try to emulate James Spader's expression on The Blacklist--hooded eyes, lips cruelly curled, nostrils flared. Actually I'm not certain he flares his, but I sure can.
You have to deal the cards in your favor in this vicious world. Scruples are fine if you can afford good lawyers and spin doctors. But instilling fear, putting someone on edge, making them question their total behavior, this is where the game is won.
Now if someone makes a veiled threat against me, I give them my Kevin Spacey glare. Let your imagination do the rest.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
A New Challenge
One day I realized I had only one stinking erogenous zone. Rather than pity myself, I formed a plan of attack.
I relish challenges and this was a doozy. I needed to find more hot spots on my body. I cleared off the kitchen table and put a select group of objects upon it.
A shoe horn, a nose and ear hair trimmer, a spatula, a corkscrew, feathers of varying size and thickness, shoe inserts, tomato sauce, a rubber mask, avocado skins etc.
I stripped and spent the next four hours trying different combinations, searching for arousal. The corkscrew under my armpit showed some promise. The tomato sauce burned my stomach. The rubber mask made me sweat. The nose and ear hair trimmer didn't quite fit where I wanted it to go.
I refuse to quit. Tomorrow is another day. One of these objects has to ignite my fire.
I relish challenges and this was a doozy. I needed to find more hot spots on my body. I cleared off the kitchen table and put a select group of objects upon it.
A shoe horn, a nose and ear hair trimmer, a spatula, a corkscrew, feathers of varying size and thickness, shoe inserts, tomato sauce, a rubber mask, avocado skins etc.
I stripped and spent the next four hours trying different combinations, searching for arousal. The corkscrew under my armpit showed some promise. The tomato sauce burned my stomach. The rubber mask made me sweat. The nose and ear hair trimmer didn't quite fit where I wanted it to go.
I refuse to quit. Tomorrow is another day. One of these objects has to ignite my fire.
The Woods
Jackson went hunting in the woods as usual. This was at the dawn of our country's history when there was plenty of woodland and even more guns. He heard a noise ahead of him and raised his rifle. He peered through the brush and saw a woman sitting on a log sobbing. He approached her and asked if he could help. She appeared to be in her fifties.
She displayed her hands and wrists. I am in such pain, she cried. From what, Jackson asked. From making flags, she responded, hundreds of flags. My nerves are inflamed. I cannot sleep.
I thought Betsy Ross made all the flags.
That was then, this is now. She sub contracts now while she vacations in Boca Raton.
What is your name, he asked.
Ethel Carpal. I married Francis Tunnel and go by the name Ethel Carpel Tunnel.
The woods were quiet. Only her crying could be heard.
She displayed her hands and wrists. I am in such pain, she cried. From what, Jackson asked. From making flags, she responded, hundreds of flags. My nerves are inflamed. I cannot sleep.
I thought Betsy Ross made all the flags.
That was then, this is now. She sub contracts now while she vacations in Boca Raton.
What is your name, he asked.
Ethel Carpal. I married Francis Tunnel and go by the name Ethel Carpel Tunnel.
The woods were quiet. Only her crying could be heard.
The One That Got Away
I had exactly one hair left on my head. Pattern baldness turned into surface of the moon baldness. But I was determined to keep that one long, gray hair, which was located in the front of my scalp.
I tried combing it straight back, off to the side, even let it hang forward until it has reached my eyebrow. I use conditioner and specially imported New Zealand shampoo, designed to straighten the follicle root.
I slept with a skull cap to protect it from humidity and dry heat in winter. I always wore a cap outside, but made sure to air it out inside. That hair needed to breathe. I stay away from radiators, dish washers, fans and boiling water--anything that might lead this strand to have a breakdown.
And yes, I spoke to it on a regular basis.
I was so careful, but technology did me in. I was at the library and had to use the facilities. Little did I know they had installed state of the art Austrian Super Flush urinals. I innocently did my business and pushed a button. The power of the response sucked up all the air around me and thrust my face against the wall. It yanked out my one hair and it fell into the urinal, staring up at me in horror.
I sobbed as I rubbed my now completely bald scalp. But I didn't panic. I Googled Hair Is Us and within days a small box arrived containing a long, gray hair and super glue. They claimed it was from Richard Gere. I only know it looks so elegant I want to cry.
I tried combing it straight back, off to the side, even let it hang forward until it has reached my eyebrow. I use conditioner and specially imported New Zealand shampoo, designed to straighten the follicle root.
I slept with a skull cap to protect it from humidity and dry heat in winter. I always wore a cap outside, but made sure to air it out inside. That hair needed to breathe. I stay away from radiators, dish washers, fans and boiling water--anything that might lead this strand to have a breakdown.
And yes, I spoke to it on a regular basis.
I was so careful, but technology did me in. I was at the library and had to use the facilities. Little did I know they had installed state of the art Austrian Super Flush urinals. I innocently did my business and pushed a button. The power of the response sucked up all the air around me and thrust my face against the wall. It yanked out my one hair and it fell into the urinal, staring up at me in horror.
I sobbed as I rubbed my now completely bald scalp. But I didn't panic. I Googled Hair Is Us and within days a small box arrived containing a long, gray hair and super glue. They claimed it was from Richard Gere. I only know it looks so elegant I want to cry.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Message from Beyond
Joe really missed his mother. He remembered all the good times. He decided to visit Eva the Channel er.
He paid her $20 to contact his mom. The lights dimmed, her hands hovered in the air, she closed her eyes, moaned and began speaking in a gutteral rasp. Joe understood none of it.
Finally Eva emerged from her trance, stared at him and relayed this. Your mother says you undercooked the sausage. Plus, you never sweep under the bed.
Eva collapsed, her head lolling sideways.
The lights went up, Joe politely thanked her and left. This wasn't such a good idea.
Next day, as he prepared supper, the phone rang. It was Eva complaining his mother had kept her up all night with messages. Make your own tomato sauce like I taught you. Clean the leaves from the gutter. You need a haircut. Stop picking your nose.
Eva was ranting, but Joe offer3ed no solution. He had slept like a baby.
That Saturday he went to the library, getting there a few minutes early. He spotted his friend Paula sitting on a bench. As he approached, he noticed her mouth was open and her eyes closed. He shook her and called her name. Frantic, he considered calling 911.
She shuddered, opened her eyes and stared at him for almost a minute.Finally she shook her finger at him and barked, Your mother wants to know why you didn't change your socks this morning. And stay away from those strip clubs.
.
He paid her $20 to contact his mom. The lights dimmed, her hands hovered in the air, she closed her eyes, moaned and began speaking in a gutteral rasp. Joe understood none of it.
Finally Eva emerged from her trance, stared at him and relayed this. Your mother says you undercooked the sausage. Plus, you never sweep under the bed.
Eva collapsed, her head lolling sideways.
The lights went up, Joe politely thanked her and left. This wasn't such a good idea.
Next day, as he prepared supper, the phone rang. It was Eva complaining his mother had kept her up all night with messages. Make your own tomato sauce like I taught you. Clean the leaves from the gutter. You need a haircut. Stop picking your nose.
Eva was ranting, but Joe offer3ed no solution. He had slept like a baby.
That Saturday he went to the library, getting there a few minutes early. He spotted his friend Paula sitting on a bench. As he approached, he noticed her mouth was open and her eyes closed. He shook her and called her name. Frantic, he considered calling 911.
She shuddered, opened her eyes and stared at him for almost a minute.Finally she shook her finger at him and barked, Your mother wants to know why you didn't change your socks this morning. And stay away from those strip clubs.
.
King of the Playground
It was generally accepted Oscar was king of the playground. He excelled at all the apparatus--swings, merry go round, monkey bars and sand box.All except one--the see saw.
Oscar had a bad experience there. A cute girl he liked offered to ride it opposite him. After a few moments of joy, she suddenly jumped off her seat when he was at the apogee. Oscar came crashing down on his rump, causing bruises and pain. He never went back and had serious issues with trust.
Oscar's parents tried everything to ge him to overcome his fear, unsuccessfully. Finally they called in The Playground Whisperer.
This stern woman with thick brows did no whispering once she got him alone. She spit out words like, stop whining and grow a pair. She then tied Oscar to the seat with strong rope and proceeded to see saw with him all morning until he moaned for water.
It worked. His fear of the see saw was gone.
But now he was deathly afraid of middle aged women with thick brows.
Oscar had a bad experience there. A cute girl he liked offered to ride it opposite him. After a few moments of joy, she suddenly jumped off her seat when he was at the apogee. Oscar came crashing down on his rump, causing bruises and pain. He never went back and had serious issues with trust.
Oscar's parents tried everything to ge him to overcome his fear, unsuccessfully. Finally they called in The Playground Whisperer.
This stern woman with thick brows did no whispering once she got him alone. She spit out words like, stop whining and grow a pair. She then tied Oscar to the seat with strong rope and proceeded to see saw with him all morning until he moaned for water.
It worked. His fear of the see saw was gone.
But now he was deathly afraid of middle aged women with thick brows.
Tuscan Munchkins
The Tuscan Munchkins lived in a big house with many windows. They frolicked around their spacious grounds. They were a splinter group from the Oz Munchkins, who lived in little shacks with only one window. Boring.
In Tuscany these folks could slide off their sloped red roof into the arms of stronger peers, Then they would march around singing happy music. Their lives could not be better.
Then the unimaginable happened. Mussolini took power and ordered them out of their home and into the mines to work hours on end. He claimed the house as his own. The Munchkins worked next to seven dwarfs who whispered to each other as though they had a secret. Perhaps some woman stashed away.
When the Oz Munchkins heard of their fate they could only shrug and say I told you so.
In Tuscany these folks could slide off their sloped red roof into the arms of stronger peers, Then they would march around singing happy music. Their lives could not be better.
Then the unimaginable happened. Mussolini took power and ordered them out of their home and into the mines to work hours on end. He claimed the house as his own. The Munchkins worked next to seven dwarfs who whispered to each other as though they had a secret. Perhaps some woman stashed away.
When the Oz Munchkins heard of their fate they could only shrug and say I told you so.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Slush
Periodically we must be reminded of the ugliness and inevitability of slush. I was out briefly today to run errands and have a cup of coffee. The snow was quite beautiful.
By the time I went outside again much of what was on the ground had turned to slippery slush. My spirits sank. Slush is dirty and treacherous. Slush is Frank Underwood from House of Cards. It is the relative you dread showing up at family gatherings. Slush takes no prisoners; it salivates at the sight of sneaker wear, or, even better, dress shoes.
Ice gets a bad rap. In its own way ice is elegant. When you slip on ice it will leave you embarrassed, aching, but, all important, dry. Slush seeps into every pore in seconds. Scrambling to your feet will not help one bit. Falling in slush is humiliating. It makes one doubt the existence of a benevolent God.
And if you're waiting for a bus during slush time and a vehicle passes too close, the spray may just leave you murderous. More felonies are committed during slush accumulation. Look it up.
By the time I went outside again much of what was on the ground had turned to slippery slush. My spirits sank. Slush is dirty and treacherous. Slush is Frank Underwood from House of Cards. It is the relative you dread showing up at family gatherings. Slush takes no prisoners; it salivates at the sight of sneaker wear, or, even better, dress shoes.
Ice gets a bad rap. In its own way ice is elegant. When you slip on ice it will leave you embarrassed, aching, but, all important, dry. Slush seeps into every pore in seconds. Scrambling to your feet will not help one bit. Falling in slush is humiliating. It makes one doubt the existence of a benevolent God.
And if you're waiting for a bus during slush time and a vehicle passes too close, the spray may just leave you murderous. More felonies are committed during slush accumulation. Look it up.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Old Friend
I met an old friend from work this morning. He recognized me first. We, two retirees, sat in McDonalds and sipped coffee while catching up. I'm out of the PO eight years, he's out two. Both of us are happy to have made it through, although he got a serious neck injury which required two operations. He still has pain and walks slow, taking a disability.
He hurt himself loading a package. I was reminded of all the falls I took, any of which could have led to a similar injury. We discussed co-workers and bosses, focusing on one poor guy who retired and had a fatal heart attack two years later. He was found in his basement in the home he lived alone in. Who knows how long he lay there?
We promised to meet again in the future, but I think we covered everything in our 30 minute talk. That was a whole other life for me that provided a modest pension and not much else.
He hurt himself loading a package. I was reminded of all the falls I took, any of which could have led to a similar injury. We discussed co-workers and bosses, focusing on one poor guy who retired and had a fatal heart attack two years later. He was found in his basement in the home he lived alone in. Who knows how long he lay there?
We promised to meet again in the future, but I think we covered everything in our 30 minute talk. That was a whole other life for me that provided a modest pension and not much else.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Bully
I'm minding my own business at the market, headed for checkout when this guy pushing a cart starts yelling at me. Cursing actually. Never saw him before. I stopped and walked up to him and cursed right back. What are you going to do about it, he says. What are you going to do about it, I say back.
He was much bigger and probably ill. But you can't let anyone bully you ever, especially in a public space. He pushed his cart to the cafe section and tried to enlist another guy. He kept cursing, I cursed back, Everyone else put their heads down and hoped things would calm down. We'll see.
There are a lot of sick, angry people out there whose life didn't work out. We don't have to tolerate their crap.
He was much bigger and probably ill. But you can't let anyone bully you ever, especially in a public space. He pushed his cart to the cafe section and tried to enlist another guy. He kept cursing, I cursed back, Everyone else put their heads down and hoped things would calm down. We'll see.
There are a lot of sick, angry people out there whose life didn't work out. We don't have to tolerate their crap.
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