The Knock

It is Halloween and the knock is coming. My lights are off, as is the TV. I sit in the dark in my recliner counting the minutes. Someone has seen me enter my place today and not leave. That means I have been targeted. They know I have candy. The supermarket traitors informed the neighborhood. I don't eat much candy. Having it is a reminder I am an adult and can spend money on anything I want.
Last year I could hear their tiny voices through the door. Trick or Treat. But do not dare ignore us. I finally gave in and shared my candy. Not the chocolate. I have limits.
It is near that time. I dare not peek through he blinds. I could leave the sweet stuff in my mailbox, but my mailman is shifty eyed. I don't tip him at holidays and candy would be his revenge.
Kids in costume are cute. I'll watch them on You Tube.
Someone just knocked. They heard my laptop humming. Damn.

Off Key

Lucy was a lovely woman who was completely tone deaf. Sharps and flats were a mystery. When she infrequently hit the right note everyone was stunned. Sooner or later she was asked to leave each choral group. She wandered the country, taking low end jobs, living in furnished rooms, practicing alone until neighbors called the police, assumimg someone was being strangled.
Doctors said there was nothing wrong with her hearing. It was in her brain.
One day, downcast after being rejected by the latest chorus, she gave up singing, went to night school and became a legal secretary.
One of the lawyers in her office, George, loved musicals and went to piano bars. When he invited her, she hesitated. What if the old urge returned? She agreed and one night they stood around the piano and George asked for the fellow to play Maria from West Side Story. He sang and Lucy thought it was beautiful. The others ran out screaming. The pianist abandoned his instrument. The bartenders and waitresses hid in a back room.
George went on singing and broke several zoning laws and eventually was charged with violating air pollution regulations.
Disgusted, they married and bought a farm far away. They sang to each other all day long.
One by one, the animals committed suicide.

My Horde

Behold my horde as we pillage every desert village and outpost. We capture camels and dominate the landscape. There is only one village that we fear. They make us dismount and engage in silly dancing. It is Harmonica World where all the residents play harmonica. These 12 tone demons force us to gesticulate wildly and extend our arms and legs at impossible angles.
We are humiliated and exhausted, pleading with them to stop. Eventually we mount our embarrassed steeds and move on. Across the endless desert we ride, heads held high. To be a conquer er one must have a defective short term memory. One must live through delusion.
Or the camels win.

Chickens

I found Ernie in his backyard feverishly counting his chickens. He had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and did this ten times a day. He didn't shave or shower and ate one meal a day. I approached and the chickens seemed annoyed. They couldn't leap over the six foot fence. They had no union to protect them.
Don't bother me, he barked. I may have counted some of them twice and now I have to start over. I just wanted to borrow his hedge clipper. I was used to his crankiness, but not that smell, worse than the chickens.
I guess it could be worse. He could have been counting worms or butterflies.

First Born

Margo the witch was furious. We had a deal, Marty. I lengthen your equipment in exchange for your first born. Where is my kid?
Marty tried to explain how hard he tried to get laid. His bar stool banter was lame. He dressed like a slovenly hipster. He had dandruff on his dandruff. When he got a woman drunk enough to get into bed his wang was so big it got stuck sideways in his boxers. By mthe time he released his lizard the lady had dozed off.
Margo listened and glowered. Enough, she barked. You know what the consequences are if you failed to deliver on your end.
Marty pleaded for another in vain/
The next morning he woke up with balls the size of honey dew melons. Chafing was certainly in his future.
Margo made a deal with Bill. His kid for learning how to make matzo ball soufflé

Occupy Barlucci

The Occupy Barlucci movement had stalled out. His pizza place was crowded with protesters, while his family cowered in a back room. Some wanted more anchovies, some wanted less spinach pizza, others demanded more tomato, less dough.
Police couldn't be bothered. Barlucci developed Carpel Tunnel Syndrome from flipping so many pizzas. The cost of ingredients had sky rocketed. His three delivery boy sons had no sense of direction. He wallowed in despair.
Bored, the protesters ate condiments and sprinkled cheese.
Eventually the neighborhood brokered a deal. Unlimited pepperoni topping in exchange for smaller anchovies. Most of the protesters despised anchovies anyway. ASslong as the cheese distribution remained stable.
Democracy in action.

Freezing Time

Things I would stop by freezing time.

Right before I pass wind.
Stopping someone reaching for the last brownie.
A lady smiling at me.
The moment a hot pepper touches my tongue.
Another car backing into my spoe.
Clenching my abs.
The garbage truck pulling away as I chase with my bags/.
Sniffing bleach alone in a darkened laundry.
Rescuing a stranger with food stuck in his esophagus.
When I get sudden insights in a world full of chaos.
Smelling a woman's perfume during a hug.

Lower Back

Tiny demons have engineered a hostile takeover of my lower back. They are holding my nerve endings hostage. They demand access to my nasal cavity. I am in a quandry. Back pain or sinus problems? I've had both and it's no picnic.
I sit here in my recliner watching football, wondering if I will ever be able to rise without help.I did some moderate lifting this morning before the demons took control.Tylenol  and a heating pad only helped a little. I should try to stretch, but truthfully, I need a good massage.
It's a beautiful afternoon and I refuse to be stuck inside. I must walk, I will walk. I will not give in to their demands. My nasal cavity is pristine and will remain that way. I do not negotiate with nerve terrorists.
If I still can't move well by tonight I will take a hot shower and lie naked on my bed. Maybe I'll keep my socks on.

Decision Tree

Wally had a decision to make. Should he marry Roxanne or not?
He stood before Ambivalent Bush and and got no definitive response.
He moved to Procrastination Hedge and was advised to hold off and wait.
He went to Pragmatic Vine and was told to check her bank account first.
Finally he reached Decision Tree, closed his eyes and meditated. All sorts of answers flooded his mind, life changing decisions.
Boxers or briefs?
Lentil soup or macaroni and cheese?
Beard or Mustache?
Table tennis or darts?
Cataract surgery or hernia?
Neil Young or Billy Joel/
Suspenders or belt?
With each resolved decision more leaves fell from the tree. Soon there was only one leaf left.
Roxanne or stay single?
That one leaf floated to the ground and Wally had his answer.
The tree sagged in exhaustion.
He hoped she liked suspenders.

Bad First Sentences

I woke up in a bed full of pus and realized the mother of all butt boils had exploded.
The sensual oatmeal beckoned and Donald shoved his maw down into the mush.
The raccoons closed in, lust in their eyes.
I lost all patience watching Carol remove lint from her elderly dad.
Smoke from the chimney could only mean the family had finally solved the problem of Uncle Jed.
The wise man looked to the sky and uttered one word--dominoes.
The elevator stopped mid floor and the stranger next to me pulled out a gun and demanded to know my stand on hermaphrodites.
When did coughing up phlegm become a competitive sport?

Eyeballs

My art exhibit needs to be ready by January. I have been given space by a coffee house. My work consists of creatures from my imagination. They vaguely resemble earth animals. I hope they don't scare kids. It would be nice if I sold a few.
One thing I realized was some of my creatures lack eyeballs. That's right, eyeballs. Without them there is no point of reference for the viewer. So I must dot them either with white or black paint depending on the surrounding colors.
I am self taught, which means I paint out of boredom. I taught myself to do representational work first, then decided to go abstract. I love shapes and colors and the feeling of brush on canvas. I try to look intense while I paint. In case anyone is watching.
I think women are impressed by artists. We'll see come January.
Actually, I wouldn't mind if a few kids got scared.

Short to Long

Ottoman.
Say again?
Need an ottoman.
And why is that?
Honey, it's my circulation.
I told you to stop smoking.
That is easier said than done, sweetie.
Can't you see I'm on the phone, Lenny?
Is this too much to ask a man's wife?
I'm sick of dragging that ottoman over to you.
Well, I'm sick  of listening you gossip on the phone.
Lenny, since you retired from tree trimming you've been driving me nuts.
Suddenly this is all about your needs when all I ask for is compassion.
You've stolen the best years of my life with your complaining and incessant neediness.
I pray to God every night a lightning bolt will shoot down ending this hell.
I'm calling my lawyer and telling her every detail of every failure you have carelessly created.
I am going to get off this couch and drive straight to the nearest lake and drown.

The Hard Way

Louise traveled to Alaska for adventure, not realizing she would meet the man of her dreams. Onoka, a 6'5 Eskimo with rough skin and strong hands who spoke little English.
She could have just offered herself to him, but she liked challenges. She had to arm wrestle his woman--a solid rock of a lady. Her gym work paid off and after 18 rugged minutes of groaning, she won and the other woman was history.
She went hiking with her man, and hunting with primitive weapons. She killed an antelope with a bow and arrow. Onoka was impressed. But she almost lost everything when, while ice fishing, she caught a big one that dragged her right into the hole. The water was freezing. But her man rescued her by yanking her right out. He lay her spreadeagled on the ice. Even gasping and shivering, she imagined him taking her there, quick and brutal. Instead, she watched him fondling the fish she had caught and cackling madly.
She concluded this courtship might be harder than she thought.

Cooties

I sat on my couch and brought all my cooties together. This isn't working, I said. I can't be your host anymore. Nothing personal. Cooties are what they are. But someone-probably an actor-noticed some of you crawling down my neck. Word got out. My social life has dried up. Employees flee when I enter a restaurant. Librarians look at me askance. Hospitals spray me. My own family has turned away in disgust.
I need to take drastic action. I am giving you your freedom. Find another host. Any questions?
No, I don't know how to reach Gov. Christie. But he would provide much wider grazing territory.

My Dentist

My dentist cancelled my appointment today. He was supposed to put a cap on a tooth. He had an emergency. The receptionist said she called and left a message. I must have been out.
He is from Syria and his female assistant is from Russia. I won't put up a stink because their accents scare me.
I kept my cool and rescheduled. The billing person responded to a question by informing me I saved almost a thousand dollars with my coverage. I still had to pay $536 for the rebuild and crown. It's a sign of my maturity that I drove all the way out there for nothing and kept my temper.
When I got home I checked my answering machine. No message. No indication she had called. I will seek her dismissal. Well, maybe she just dialed the wrong number. She's human. I just hope Syrian rebel forces aren't holding my dentist's family hostage and he had to fly back.

Strange Dream

I woke up and stared at the ceiling
Everything seemed different
A dream of my sixth grade teacher
Young and beautiful
We were touching and kissing
I looked down at my groin
Sticky
What the hell?