Rhythms

Chewing in rhythm...
Samba chewers sensual
Angry hip hop, rap chewing
Jazz chewers improvising fast and slow
Folk chewers thoughtful
R&B chewing bop in place
Soul chewers squeeze cheeks
Blues chewing slow and sad
Salsa spits out food
Punk drools and chews
Classical chewers focused with chin up
Electronic dance chewing makes strange sounds
Gospel chewers raise eyes to sky
Reggae chewing sway in a trance
Pop chewing fast and violent
Rock chewers almost nonexistent
Rock is dead, isn't it?

Underwater

Plankton swaying like sedated palm trees
Exotic alien fish
grabbing octopus
mermaids gliding like ballerinas
sharks sightless and mindless
discarded tire lays like a drunk
the entire cast and crew of the Mummy remake
electric eels signaling Poseidon
bubbles untamed
moss clinging to rocks like children

Destructive Things

termites
toxic people
extreme weather
ignorance
road rage
mold
asbestos
diabetes
arthritis
bad teachers
insults
wrecking ball
tooth decay
dynamite
tapeworms
fanaticism
erosion
stereotyping
gas leaks
school of angry guppies

Crackling Grandma

My grandma crackles. I don't know how she does it. She cackles too, but that's to be expected. All of us will eventually cackle. But no other adult I know crackles. I think it originates in her abdomen. She swears she's not in pain. I suggested meditation or yoga, but she refuses. She's proud of her uniqueness. Most times I'm okay with it, except when she's in the bathroom and I can hear loud crackling and cackling at once. I lose my appitite.
Grandpa just snorts--no crackle. I secretly recorded the two of them and sent the tape to a horror film director who is using it as the sound track to his next film. I thought about sharing the proceeds with my grandparents, but I have my own medical bills. When I crouch, a low whistle is emitted from my butt. I'm told it might be due to excess fiber. Maybe it's genetic. I could use a butt muffler.

Trip to Maine

My name is Adolphis and I am a moose bounty hunter. Each moose has distinctive markings. Once a moose commits a crime I am on the case. This one head butted two innocent campers. My contacts in the large antler species underground informed me the moose, Heinrich, headed for Maine.
I loaded my tranquilizer gun, hopped into my ATV, and headed north, stocking plenty of beef jerky for the trip. I have a moose tracking device based on scent. Sometimes it malfunctions and I accidentally tranquilize some housewife hanging wash in her yard. My bad.
Bringing back this animal nets me $250, barely enough to pay expenses. But this is my passion.
My tracer is lighting up and vibrating.I must be very close. My energy is optimal and I'm ready. One more bite of beef jerky and it's Go Time.

Off the Grid

I found the cast for my new play online. They had been laid off from a canceled children's TV show in Milwaukee. I was cutting corners salary wise. I took them to dinner to get them acclaimated to the big city. They couldn't believe octopus was on the menu.
I had written a musical version of The Winds of War, the Herman Wouk novel. All the cast members were excited to be involved. My director Keith, initially was stoked to begin. But as rehearsals wore on, it became obvuius none of the cast could sing worth a damn. So we changed our focus and I submitted a script of Hitchcock's Rear Window as a light comedy.
It was tough getting investors until The Mob showed interest. We are mounting our first preview very soon. The Boccanocca Family gets 65% of the profits. They made me an offer I couldn't refuse. You do what you have to in this business.

Twist and Shout

When The Lone Ranger took his first yoga class he twisted into the crouching cougar position and shouted Hi Ho Silver! He scared the hell out of the others, especially Arnie Silver in the back row. Afterwards he complained to Tonto he didn't understand the concept of yoga. His back had been bothering him after years of chasing varmints and he thought he had a hernia. He was told yoga would help.
Tonto nodded silently, his go to response when kemo sabe whined about something or other. Tonto, when stressed, just went hunting for rabbits.
He helped The Lone Ranger into his saddle and both realized their partnership was nearing its end. They had discussed opening a saloon, but getting a liquor license was a bitch. Tonto wanted to settle down and raise kids. He had his eye on Annie Oakley.

Waiting For It

Rescue team after another train derailment
Women attracted by my new cologne
The sun rising aftera sleepless night
Kirk Douglas to finally get his screen test in heaven
Hillary's latest excuse
New music from Billy Joel
A Zen pizza delevery
Someone to explain Zen
That hair restoration application to kick in
The first tulips and last snowball

Eraserhead

Eraserhead loved the piles of hair that grew straight up like an eraser. People always commented on his unique look. One day he decided to have the sides trimmed to accentuate his look. He went to Angelo, the barber he used to go to as a kid. Now the man was much older, but his business was steady and his reputation intact.
The problem was Angelo had a rash that itched like mad. It soured his whole outlook. He didn't even want to open his shop, but his dedication won over. When Eraserhead walked in, he recognized him immediately. They shook hands and the young man sat in the chair. Just a trim on the sides, he said.
Not a problem, Angelo said. He marveled at the bushy pile of hair as he trimmed. He then asked if he wanted his eyebrows also trimmed. The fellow nodded. Just as Angelo began, he felt an intense itch down in an intimate area that caused his hand to slip. The entire eyebrow was shaved off. Eraserhead shouted obscenities. Angelo got furious and attacked his pile of hair with the shaver. In seconds Eraserhead became Flattop. He flung off the white sheet, jumped out of the chair and out the door screaming.
All Angelo wanted to do was hide in the bathroom and scratch and scratch and scratch.

Trapped

He had a plan. He would wait until just the right moment. The others would be preoccupied during a busy period. He remembered his lost friends, horribly eliminated. He felt completely alone, but he wanted to live.
Patience. Focus. Finally, the chef was in the bathroom, the servers on the floor. The kitchen was empty.
In one smooth leap, he hit the floor and frantically crawled out the back door into an alley. He made it to the sidewalk and thankfully there weren't many pedestrians and few cars.
If he could just find water. Wait! To his left a park, which could mean a pond. Maneuvering through shadows, he somehow made it and scooted atop the dry grass. He was exhausted, but found what he was looking for. Water. Turtles. Safety. Protection. Camouflage. He was about to crawl in when he heard a child's voice. Mom! Dad! Look1 A lobster!
He saw a net and cursed his luck. Why wasn't I born a crab? He was the one who almost got away.

Umbrella Madness

Thank you so much for seeing me, Mr.Wilomet. I truly believe your company is the perfect home for my concept.
Here is my prototype. Looks like a typical umbrella, right? Guess again. Press this little knob and presto! You have a dangerous automatic weapon capable of firing 40 rounds a minute. As you might expect, this baby weighs more than your average umbrella, but weigh that against protection against the wing nuts out there. Plus, it really does protect you in the rain.
Here, let me demonstrate. That is an abandoned building across the street. Watch me shatter some windows. Well, okay it's against the law, but this is a multi million dollar product before you. Think of how happy your shareholders will be. Think of your bonus. Don't you want to protect your family?
I see. That is your decision. I have other options.
Oh God, I am so sorry. Accidental discharge is not acceptable. That seems like a flesh wound. Perhaps your secretary should call 911. Language like that has no place in the corporate world. I said I was sorry.
I know when I'm not wanted. A tourniquet might be a good move about now. Good day, sir.

Benny the Spider

Four years in a row Benny was voted World's Worst Spider by the International Spider Consortium. He created webs so weak flies purposely smacked into them and smirked. Yes, flies can smirk. Specialists told him to eat more ants for protein. Try lower altitudes like someone's shoes.
After finding a location, Benny would begin work. Invariably he became nauseous hanging upside down and vomited. Female spiders mocked him. His confidence was shattered. One day he was approached by three giant spiders who talked out of the side of their mouths. They offered to supply stronger thread in exchange for 70% of the fly meat. Benny hesitated and they smacked him around until he agreed.
The problem was the new thread was so heavy Benny had to contract out to Alex, a big mouth spider who told everyone where it came from. Benny was humiliated. He had sold his soul for naught.He's doing clean up work for the Praying Mantis community.

Bobo Must Go

We had a good book group until Bobo showed up. No one knows how he found out about us. He showed up a half hour late, sat down and removed his shoes and socks to get more comfortable. He pulled out a knapsack and removed several beef jerky sticks and Velveeta cheese. Any beer? he asked.
Our leader Ralph said no beer. It turns out Bobo had only read two chapters of the book, a memoir by Joe Del Priore, "Huddled Masses Yearning to Flee Me."
Bobo nodded a few times as points were made, then decided it was more interesting to relate stories of his days as a mercenary in South America.
After the session ended and he left, we decided Bobo had to go. Eli, A high school chemistry teacher, said he would cook up something that we could slip into a beer bottle, something that would cause quick death and leave the body without a trace.
We took our book discussions quite seriously.

Ocean Things

Dead bodies from the Hudson River
Buoys that won't bob without a new union contract
Ahab's leg
White caps and pink bubbles to die for
Salt and oregano around Italy
Depressed eels who've short circuited
Laid back sharks too jaded to attack
One very confused platypus
Human pee
Bossy octopus

New Fireworks

People just got tired of traditional fireworks. The town council held a meeting and decided on an alternative. Barges would be sent out on the river as usual, but now they would be firing off stray cats and small pets people got tired of feeding. The suspense entailed discovering which survived the contact with the water and which drowned.
It would have been a huge success except for one disgruntled worker who drugged and dragged his hyper critical mother in law to the barge and shot her out of a high powered firing mechanism. She rose high and fell like a stone.
His trial is set for September.