I really want to take a nap right now. I love napping. It's the best thing about being retired. Even if I'm only half asleep, just lying there and daydreaming with TV and radio off, not caring about anything other than switching sides periodically, is at least as productive as meditation. Napping after hitting the gym is Nirvana because you don't feel guilty about sacking out. If you toss in checking emails, opening snail mail, sweeping, writing something brilliant and vigorously flossing before you nap, there is no chance you will feel bad about yourself.
One thing you quickly absorb in retirement is not to think about all those who are out there working. Blank them right out. You did it for thirty plus years and no one sobbed for you. The down side is, of course, you are much closer to death than them. But what is death but one eternal nap?
The dangerous thing about this activity is over napping and missing something important, which is what happened to me on Thanksgiving. But I've learned from that incident. I have to attend a wake later and I am determined to time this nap perfectly so I can be there. So I will wrap this up and get to work napping and stay on schedule. While zonked out I will also be digesting my lunch. Once again, without fanfare, I multitask.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Rain
Rain means I get to stay home and watch reruns of House and Gilmore Girls and old movies on TMC. Rain means I don't answer the phone or door, shut the blinds and don't shave. Continuous precipitation on a Wednesday excuses me from going to the poetry open mike and listen to uneven work by overconfident writers who never pay attention when I get up to read.
Rain means I can paint and read and write insightful blogs, while possibly completing that short story I'm stuck on. It means I can snack incessantly because I promise I will walk it off the following day. I can reexamine my theater pieces, revel in their humor and overall brilliance. I save gas by not moving my car. I let my imagination roam, create jokes, practice my impressions of old TV stars from moderately successful ensemble shows like WKRP in Cincinnati. I take a deep breath and clean out that ancient fruit in my fridge.
I can do hundreds of sit ups and make out bills and write letters I will never send. I can sing R&B favorites, maybe try out some dance moves. I can take my time with bowel movements.
No stress, no pressure, no angst, and, mostly, no expectations on rainy days.
Maybe I'll strip and examine myself in the mirror. Lord knows, I owe myself a reward.
Rain means I can paint and read and write insightful blogs, while possibly completing that short story I'm stuck on. It means I can snack incessantly because I promise I will walk it off the following day. I can reexamine my theater pieces, revel in their humor and overall brilliance. I save gas by not moving my car. I let my imagination roam, create jokes, practice my impressions of old TV stars from moderately successful ensemble shows like WKRP in Cincinnati. I take a deep breath and clean out that ancient fruit in my fridge.
I can do hundreds of sit ups and make out bills and write letters I will never send. I can sing R&B favorites, maybe try out some dance moves. I can take my time with bowel movements.
No stress, no pressure, no angst, and, mostly, no expectations on rainy days.
Maybe I'll strip and examine myself in the mirror. Lord knows, I owe myself a reward.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Cabbage and Cauliflower
I have been neglecting cabbage and cauliflower. I consider myself a savvy eater, but those two veggies have always eluded me. Cabbage gives me gas, especially with mustard slathered over it. I think I've had cauliflower less than ten times in my life. I saw on TV how good it is for you. The expert said you can eat it raw. Eating raw cauliflower on a Friday night alone in your apartment means you may as well turn on the gas, shut the windows and lie down.
I recently began consuming black beans. This passes for excitement in my life. You can't have enough fiber and beans are cheap. Oddly the Goya aisle is more expensive than the American bean aisle. I refuse to use the word legumes. It is a high end name for beans. Debbie Gibson will never be Deborah, veranda must not replace terrace, marsupial never supersede monkey, spittoon will never be replaced by vertical saliva container.
How big of a bite should one take of the cauliflower? Do you spray it with anything first? Why aren't there more blogs about gassy foods? Enough. I have Christmas cards to write.
I recently began consuming black beans. This passes for excitement in my life. You can't have enough fiber and beans are cheap. Oddly the Goya aisle is more expensive than the American bean aisle. I refuse to use the word legumes. It is a high end name for beans. Debbie Gibson will never be Deborah, veranda must not replace terrace, marsupial never supersede monkey, spittoon will never be replaced by vertical saliva container.
How big of a bite should one take of the cauliflower? Do you spray it with anything first? Why aren't there more blogs about gassy foods? Enough. I have Christmas cards to write.
Monday, December 5, 2011
The Lurker
The kid, about 14, is lurking outside my condo. I pulled in and parked in front of my garage located right across from my place. He saw me and now he is waiting, yes, he is going to wait me out because I see he's holding some sort of folder and he wants me to sign up for something that is going to cost me money like support our visual aid department which is a victim of budget cuts and we desperately need a contribution, anything, a dolllar, a quarter.
I will out wait the little bugger by sitting in my car a few feet away, reading a novel from my Nook and I don't care if I have to sit there for an hour, I will outlast the ferret booger nose, except after five minutes I have to pee and the damn kid is still there, I can see him in my rear view. I sense he knows I'm suffering and will have to emerge. He dares not come to the window because he feels my disdain. There is a whole line of condos waiting to be disturbed. Why is he not moving? I simply cannot afford to buy anything extraneous; I have a budget.
I don't recognize him because I pay no attention to kids anywhere. In fact I move away from them as fast as I can. He could be from another town. I swear if he doesn't get going I'm going to give him the finger and I know he can see it because he keeps looking my way expectantly. Let the bastard lurk. I'll pee in my thermos. I have a back up container in my cabinet. No way I'm letting this kid win, even if it's Easter Seals. Okay, maybe I'll make an exception there.
I will out wait the little bugger by sitting in my car a few feet away, reading a novel from my Nook and I don't care if I have to sit there for an hour, I will outlast the ferret booger nose, except after five minutes I have to pee and the damn kid is still there, I can see him in my rear view. I sense he knows I'm suffering and will have to emerge. He dares not come to the window because he feels my disdain. There is a whole line of condos waiting to be disturbed. Why is he not moving? I simply cannot afford to buy anything extraneous; I have a budget.
I don't recognize him because I pay no attention to kids anywhere. In fact I move away from them as fast as I can. He could be from another town. I swear if he doesn't get going I'm going to give him the finger and I know he can see it because he keeps looking my way expectantly. Let the bastard lurk. I'll pee in my thermos. I have a back up container in my cabinet. No way I'm letting this kid win, even if it's Easter Seals. Okay, maybe I'll make an exception there.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Shots
Give them the shots, all of them. Keep inoculating kids with every damn anti-whatever in your arsenal. This nonsense about basic shots causing autism has been disproved once and for all. You can't have unprotected kids getting polio or mumps or whooping cough and then passing it on. We have wiped out these horrible diseases because of the brilliant work of Dr. Salk and others.
Sooner or later these men and women will cure hiccups, lazy eye, anal fistulas, halitosis, corns, hernias, stammering and ingrown toenails. These are the real heroes of our time. I HAD chicken pox and it was hell. Same with mumps. Superstition and old wives tales cannot hold back medical science. There will come a time, with the right financing, that excessively wide foreheads and recessive chins will be a thing of the past. There is nothing more humiliating than having someone ask if they can rent ad space on your forehead or mistake your chin for a small onion.
If your kid is afraid of needles lie to him. Tell him each needle will enable him to consume more soft ice cream with sprinkles. However, if your pediatrician dresses up as a clown while filling the syringe, get your kid out of there as fast as possible. There are limits to tough love.
Sooner or later these men and women will cure hiccups, lazy eye, anal fistulas, halitosis, corns, hernias, stammering and ingrown toenails. These are the real heroes of our time. I HAD chicken pox and it was hell. Same with mumps. Superstition and old wives tales cannot hold back medical science. There will come a time, with the right financing, that excessively wide foreheads and recessive chins will be a thing of the past. There is nothing more humiliating than having someone ask if they can rent ad space on your forehead or mistake your chin for a small onion.
If your kid is afraid of needles lie to him. Tell him each needle will enable him to consume more soft ice cream with sprinkles. However, if your pediatrician dresses up as a clown while filling the syringe, get your kid out of there as fast as possible. There are limits to tough love.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Pulled Over
Driving past someone who's been pulled over by a cop has to elicit more than a little feeling of curiosity, as well as relief. Glad it's not me. You catch a glimpse of the poor driver's expression and it varies. Anger, confusion, nervousness, impatience, panic, vulnerability. Some frantically search for the right ID. Others look straight ahead, not wanting to meet the eyes of others going about their business.
I once saw a young man foolishly jump out of his vehicle, take a few steps toward the police car before harshly being told to get back into the car. Once you're stopped, the cop will sit there forever, checking to see if it's a stolen vehicle. You know your day is probably ruined, even if he decides to limit things to a lecture.
I had a PBA card, which I never used. If I knew I was in the wrong I'd just take my punishment. But one time a polite young cop said I went through a light and I know it was amber. But I didn't argue because you never know what kind of mood these guys are in. They run plates just for the sake of having something to do and maybe they just might catch someone. My registration was expired last summer and I never got a renewal notice to remind me. So I got pulled over, they took my car and keys and I had to take a bus home.
No one wants to see those flashing lights in the rear view mirror. But when it happens to someone else you do tend to feel superior.
I once saw a young man foolishly jump out of his vehicle, take a few steps toward the police car before harshly being told to get back into the car. Once you're stopped, the cop will sit there forever, checking to see if it's a stolen vehicle. You know your day is probably ruined, even if he decides to limit things to a lecture.
I had a PBA card, which I never used. If I knew I was in the wrong I'd just take my punishment. But one time a polite young cop said I went through a light and I know it was amber. But I didn't argue because you never know what kind of mood these guys are in. They run plates just for the sake of having something to do and maybe they just might catch someone. My registration was expired last summer and I never got a renewal notice to remind me. So I got pulled over, they took my car and keys and I had to take a bus home.
No one wants to see those flashing lights in the rear view mirror. But when it happens to someone else you do tend to feel superior.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Footsteps
She's moving around up there. I can hear everything. Sometimes it's quick steps as though she's scurrying. Then the ponderous ones like she's pacing. The times when she seems to be moving furniture around are most intriguing. Can't she make up her mind? I wonder if she's learning to dance up there alone. When it's completely quiet, I'm on edge, waiting for the next fusillade of footsteps.
The suspense is getting to me. She's not doing this on purpose. Seems like a nice woman. Comes home late at night. Maybe she's a waitress or nurse. She orders a lot of stuff, but it stays in our mutual hallway for weeks before she brings them upstairs. I think maybe I'm the one who ordered these boxes, but her name is on the address label.
I should not be paying attention to any of this, but every time I resolve to mind my own business the bell rings at midnight. It's the pizza guy delivering for her, but ringing my bell by mistake. Who orders pizza at midnight?
There she goes again, scurrying across the floor. What if she has a hidden child up there or an illegal alien, barricaded in a closet? Between the pizza guy and me, we could probably break down her door and rescue whoever. Something to contemplate. I could use a slice right now.
The suspense is getting to me. She's not doing this on purpose. Seems like a nice woman. Comes home late at night. Maybe she's a waitress or nurse. She orders a lot of stuff, but it stays in our mutual hallway for weeks before she brings them upstairs. I think maybe I'm the one who ordered these boxes, but her name is on the address label.
I should not be paying attention to any of this, but every time I resolve to mind my own business the bell rings at midnight. It's the pizza guy delivering for her, but ringing my bell by mistake. Who orders pizza at midnight?
There she goes again, scurrying across the floor. What if she has a hidden child up there or an illegal alien, barricaded in a closet? Between the pizza guy and me, we could probably break down her door and rescue whoever. Something to contemplate. I could use a slice right now.
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