Pro Football

Then the season begins. Dropped passes, interceptions, fumbles, sacks, injuries, blown coverage, no blocking, bad tackling, missed field goals, penalties, poor coaching, etc.

Every fall I'm suckered in. Reading the sports pages, I get pumped up by all the positive statements by coaches and players on the Giants and Jets.

I watch highlights of other teams brilliance and shake my head. I spend Sundays walking in the park, watching squirrels. Thank God for college games where I have no favorite.

Maybe I should switch to professional soccer.

House Plants

 I got house plants to keep me company during the pandemic. God, what a mistake. Never heard so much bitching.

I need more light! You haven't watered me in days!

You never talk to me! 

I need to be pruned right now! Stop walking around in your underwear!

It;s my condo and I have to deal with this nonsense. Finally, I went out and got two enforcers. Put them right in the middle of those whining oxygen suckers. A giant cactus and a pot of stink weed. That should shut the bastards up.

I'm going back to my sock puppets who adore me.

Tow Truck

 I fell off a tow truck. Happy? You feel superior? This is actually the second tow truck I've fallen from, possibly a record .How? Very simple. Once the truck stopped so I could get $125 from the ATM to pay the driver, I got out of the passenger side of my car. I couldn't ride in the cab because his trainee daughter was with him.

I walked to the edge of the flatbed, calculated the drop and figured this was a cinch. Money in the bank. I took a step, kept going down, landed wtong, wound up sprawled in the middle of the street, blocking traffic. The driver looked down at me and said, I thought you were man enough. His daughter shook her head in disgust.

I got to my feet as he kept asking if I was okay. He admitted he was worried about a lawsuit. I told him I was a little sore, but fine. I got the money, we dropped off the car at Honda and I declined his offer to drive me home.

Turned out, the problem was a worn out key that no longer connected with the computer. New key--$231. I am beginning to wonder if there really is a beneficent God.

Library Farce

Note to the idiot who sends out emails announcing the library is now open. I park, put fifty cents into the meter, walk inside and all I see is yellow tape blocking off everything. The young guy behind the desk steps out as I stand there befuddled.

What do you want? he asks. I tell him about the email. He informs me one cannot browse, read, bssically only order a book and they'll get it for you. I tell him none of that was indicated in the message. He says he'll look into it.

I am fed up. Five months, every day hot, humid, they sit inside in air conditioning doing nothing, a paid vacation. Shut it down, save electricity. As a taxpayer I am disgusted. Tattoo parlors, casinos, salons are open. Libraries and gyms remain closed. Ridiculous.

Women and Dogs

 Please stop talking to your dogs like they are children. Stop chastising, praising, discussing general topics in parks. You are embarrassing yourself. I know people talk to turtles and lizards, probably out of boredom. Dogs, however, because they live with people, can easily begin to believe they are just as important as real kids.

If you hug your mutt, ladies, limit it to ten seconds tops. Obviously, do not kiss said animal, even if it's a puppy. You're only asking for trouble as the dog ages.

Men do not speak to their dogs except to yell Fetch! Men are evolved, while women are driving civilization backward. Cease.

Do not bring up man buns in this discussion. They scare me too.

Democrats

I used to be a Democrat. Believed in their programs and philosophy. No more. What a mess certain Democratically controlled cities have become. Especially Portland and NY.

I suppose I'm more of an Independent now. I reject the confusion and impotence of our present administration. I am not crazy about Joe Biden. The only female VP possibility I believe stands above the rest is Susan Rice. Biden would be better off asking Barack to be his running mate.

I am baffled by the popularity of AOC, who opens her mouth and sounds foolish. Her squad may be short term, as two members are being strongly challenged in reelection bids.

I think it is sad, but predictable, that Chinese-Americans are being assailed even though they had nothing to do with this pandemic. I also believe Antifa has used Black Lives Matter for its own anarchist agenda.

Dentist

I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. They took my temp, told me to fill out two sheets outside. They would call me when ready. No one was allowed in the waiting room. After answering dozens of questions about every aspect of my health, using my own pen, wearing mask and gloves, I got the call.

The female worker led me inside for x-rays. Then a dentist went over the results, telling me I needed a crown on one tooth. He left.

The woman handed me a scraper, told me I had 15 minutes to clean my own teeth. This is the new normal. I did the best I could. After finishing, I asked what to do about the plaque on the paper towel next to me. I was told that's my problem. Just remove it from the premises. They did give me a toothbrush and small tube of tooth paste.