Saturday, February 2, 2013

Disney World

Joe--Guess what. I'm going to Disney World.
Steve--Disney World is an overrated hellhole of prefabricated, derivative, manipulative landfill. Walt was a cutthroat capitalist who couldn't create a beer fart during an October Fest. He seldom even fed his overworked cartoonists, keeping them locked in a sweltering room for days at a time.
Goofy is an insult to any kid with working thumbs. Talking ducks and mice. Please. Uncle Remus is a racist stereotype, Snow White a frigid careerist, Cinderella a shallow masochist with no marketable skills, Tinkerbell an exhibitionist, the Seven Dwarfs sexual deviants, Minnie Mouse a battered wife, Bambi the perennial victim, and Dumbo a delusional juvenile with flying aspirations. And I haven't even touched on the characters that came after his death.
Who knows what really goes on in The Epcot Center? Overpriced food and drink, lines everywhere, strange smells, sappy souvenirs, creatures that would frighten Navy Seals. Kids leave scarred for life.
Joe--Have you ever gone there?
Steve--My mother won't let me leave New Jersey.
Joe--I might stop at Sea World.
Steve--A cesspool of rotting fish, underfed octopus and polluted water. Have a safe trip.

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